I don't like how people tend to speak to their children

I did chuckle at this. The amount of times we have found out 7-year-old only wearing one sock and a pair of pants... Mist kids need prompting. TBH, as an adult if I am tired I also need clear instructions or my mind will wander!

This is the answer. I always ask nicely (to start!) but if you have asked a million times and need to be somewhere - you do end up being a little more direct.

It's not only about parental frustration but also about cognitive load.
If my 5 year old (and indeed my 14 year old) have 5 things to do to leave the house, unless I'm issuing one instruction at a time, the 5 year old will be rolling around in his pants and the 14 year old will be on YouTube. They have very little capacity for cognitive load and need instructions given in a clear simple way. Usually I find "shoes now" to be clear and concise for them which shows I'm meeting their need rather than "get your effing shoes on right this second or mummy is going to lose her sh*t" which is too much for their cognitive load and they won't recognise the important part of the sentence. The politer version of "come along darlings, mummy had to be at work 10 minutes ago and you're still in your pants and playing on you tube, could I trouble you to put your shoes on?" would have similar issues with cognitive load for them to identify what they need to do.
Also maybe you should stop being so judgy- hope that's not too much for your cognitive load 😀

Without trying to sound patronising, helping a friend is very different to being the parent 24/7. There’s a joke that the time you’re the best parent is before you have children.

Im a teacher and I can’t tell you what a negative affect your approach has on children in general. Children who are used to being bribed (as you did), cajoled, pandered to. Children who don’t put their coat on at playtime because it’s (lightly) raining because they don’t want to and think they should do what they want and no you can’t allow a young child to get wet and cold just to indulge them.

What a load of old shit

I have an only child who had always responded really well to being 'treated' as an adult. I would say, come on DS let's put your shoes on/brush your teeth/get dressed, you don't want to be late for school, and he would do it instantly. (I know this will probably change in the teenage years).

My 2 god children do not respond well to this style, and will say 'Yes I do want to be late for school', 'why do I have to brush my teeth?', 'I don't want to get dressed', 'I don't want to go to school' etc. a simple 'right, shoes on now' works much better, they see anything other than a direct instruction as more of a suggestion to be debated and their parents do not have time to debate for hours every morning.

When I first looked after my god children I tried the 'well sweet heart, if you're late for school you will miss out on learning' or 'you must clean your teeth to have a lovely smile', they just ask deeper follow up questions (How does toothpaste work? Who invented a toothbrush?) and they can go for hours!

Absolutely!

i used to have 5 theories about raising a child and no children, now I have 5 children and no theories 😀

We were all experts before we had kids 🤣

Adults are people too. Sometimes their patience is exhausted. Sometimes they don't have time. Sometimes they don't feel well. Constantly pandering to a child and putting the child first is not good for the parent or the child. Yes, be kind and respectful but acknowledge that the world isn't a perfect place and everyone has limits.

I would respectfully suggest, OP, that you spend less time hanging around this child’s house and instead get therapy to work through whatever lingering issues from your own childhood are making you post this farrago of nonsense. And if you think this six year old’s parent is abusive because they shout at their child about threaten them, tackle them about it. Don’t pontificate on the internet about your childrearing theories about making no demands, ever, of children.

As everyone else has pointed out, kids and adults are not the same. And actually if an adult consistently acted like a young child did you may well raise your voice or get angry... or at the very least give up on the situation and get professionals to deal with it like the police or mental health workers.
Because another adult isn't going to try and chuck themselves in the road usually.. or miss a dentist appointment because they don't want to put their shoes on.. and if they do do those things they'd be noted to have some serious issues and would need professional support.
So yeah in an ideal world you'd model how to never lose your patience and how to always speak politely to your kids.. but it's not an ideal world it's you on your own with children doing absolutely daft stuff whilst you have to make sure everything runs smoothly throughout the day.
I try to be as respectful and polite to my kids as possible because I want them to be respectful and polite to others. But it's not always possible because this is real life and I do need them to be out the door when I need them to be out the door!!

Ugh, up with my two children who don’t want to get back into their own beds because they are excited about something we’re doing today. If only I had OP here to offer chocolate buttons! Why didn’t I think of speaking to them nicely and making their room a nice environment…

Tell us what else you think you know, OP.

Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

This thread is up there with the time my husband said "when we have children they will only have classic wooden toys"
Yeah ok then... To echo pp, OP I look forward with great anticipation for the day you have children and I am sure they will grow up to be well-rounded, society ready, young people, I'm sure the teachers at their schools will relish that they need a little discussion/respect/ take up time around every single request.
I don't think it was the OP but another PP who suggested letting children have autonomy/choose what they eat?
Why?
Are you going to curate them a lunchbox every day with exactly what they want (which is famously changeable)? Or are you going to make them a sandwich/wrap/pasta which whatever you need to use up/what is in the fridge.

It's just so wild to think there are people out there who don't understand that children need boundaries, and clear instructions in order to feel safe. They are learning how to make their own decision and part of that development is to push boundaries. If you don't have a firm boundary that comes down and stays in place then they feel insecure/unhappy and continue to push more boundaries. Enforcing structure and rules is itself kind and developmentally appropriate.

Would much rather have that then my SIL who is always late everywhere and is a pain to go anywhere with as she always speaks in a softly softly voice to her kids and never raises her voice or says no or now.

result- it takes her forever to get out the house as the kids just ignore her and to be honest they are not turning into nice kids.

Erm so why would you speak to a child differently to an adult… precisely because they are a child and not an adult ?

Would you treat all people exactly the same independently of their capability ? Course not

I can’t imagine ever needing to mention to an adult that they should put their shoes on

but there are many situation where you would give an adult an order rather than a request - work being obvious one - pass me the scalpel

lol, I knew this thread would have some hilarious posts, and it does!

OP, I had 4 naturally chilled and well behaved kids and I’m naturally a mellow person and I almost never shouted or raised my voice at the. However, I did give them timeouts or ‘consequences’ that involved the removal of privilidges (typically screen time privilidges) though. Would you consider that ‘abusive’

A parent-child relationship can’t be compared to an adult-adult relationship. Adults have free will and are responsible for themselves. A child can’t do what it wants when it wants. You can bribe and cajole a child but ultimately a kid can’t do whatever it wants.

Parents are responsible for their children - their health, wellbeing, ensuring punctual attendance at school, keeping them safe - and so have to ensure compliance somehow.

Some children are very attentive and compliant, and so asking nicely works. Some, like my own DC, are amenable for a lot of the time, but generally only hear things that interest them and often ignore the rest. Some will take a mile if you give an inch.

My DC respond best to simple clear instructions - "You need to brush your teeth please, then put your homework in your school bag and put your shoes on". If they're away with the fairies, it then becomes "Brush teeth, homework in bag, shoes on please". And then if they're still zoned out, "Teeth, homework, shoes NOW!"

Sometimes you have to be firm to be kind. My older DC does not enjoy being late for school. Hates it. But he'd while away the minutes at home playing with his lego or counting the cornflakes in his bowl. It's my job to keep him on track until he develops some executive function, and sometimes the softly-softly approach doesn't work.

The reason I don't talk to adults the way I talk to my children is because I'm not responsible for them, and because most adults don't require anywhere near as much direction as young children. They don't need to be told to stay away from the edge of the platform at train stations, not to talk in theatres or not to climb on seats, for instance.

YABU children are not adults and you need to be more direct with them.
With an adult, you can say you are getting ready to leave the house, so the other adult will know they have to get ready. They know what tasks to fulfil to get this done.
Kids don't. They are still learning and you have to spell stuff out to them.

Yes let's give them a chocolate coin every time we want them to do something!

A chocolate coin to climb into the dentists chair too!?

Bribing to do every day things is rubbish. I wouldn’t dream of bribing my dc with chocolate coins every time they didn’t want to do something. They would suddenly never want to do anything until they got a chocolate coin. I’d be psychologically training them that that’s how it works.
They’d be entitled, spoilt and probably have rotting teeth.
Children need to do things that are functionary and sensible. It’s our jobs as parents to make sure they are dressed suitably, have healthy food, go to places on time and whole lot of other things. Bribes can work but they need to be sensible bribes and fit the action.
Things like Let’s get in the car now so we can get to the place on time. You can choose which songs we listen to. Or Eat all your dinner as quickly as you can then we’ll have time to watch tv.
Sometimes it doesn’t work so that’s where shouting comes in because we’re humans and have limited patience and these things must be done.

Maybe it was me you noticed? About a year ago? Big Tesco? We just needed 2 things. We’d talked about needing to go to the shop. She wanted to stay in the car. But she’s three. So we agreed we needed to both go in. 5 metres in there was a meltdown. She was carried sideways around the whole shop to pick up 2 things. The whole time my little speech was :’The thing is, I try to explain it like the book says, but it just doesn’t work. I’m just not used to talking to dictators. I can imagine how Putin and Trump’s Aides feel, but right now we just need raspberries and olives and you won’t hold me back’ much to the bemusement of many middle class people who either had never had kids or have forgotten. It’s not that parents are awful. It’s that trying to negotiate is like trying to negotiate with a dictator. It’s different to talking to normal human beings. And if you forget that you’re in for a world of hell.

Unless you're dealing with kids yourself 24/7, no one cares what you think.

Oh dear. 🙈

It's often much easier to have a novel influence, such as with a friend's child, it's a totally different dynamic.

Bribing with chocolate or anything else isn't a healthy or sustainable approach for a parent.

Bribing isn't a healthy approach with anyone, it's not dissimilar from grooming, consider the message it gives.

Part of parenting is setting and maintaining expectations and boundaries, the best way to do this may also vary by DC.

If you are saying not to be verbally abusive then I agree with you, that's as far as I agree with you.