I don't like how people tend to speak to their children

I would love someone to talk to me like we talk to our children

but we are soft and cool and their happiness is the reason for our existence right now

so screw your misplaced judgement @BeWaryFinch

Because they are children, not adults, and I am raising them, which involves training them in various skills and social behaviours. They are immature, have poor judgement, and I know better than them 99.99% of the time, which is why I'm in charge.

If you hear me being firm with them its because they've not been doing as they are told and what I'm instructing them to do needs doing.

It's not rocket science.

Hahahaha this 🤣

HOW do you speak to YOUR children and how old are they?

Ha! Same. It’s like ‘giving choices’ - my kids will demand a 3rd option that isn’t even possible then tantrum because ‘you said it was my choice’.

I don’t think being polite is about simply copying though, it’s an innate consideration that develops into adulthood naturally. I don’t preface my every request to my kids with please because I ask them to do something 1,000 times a day and if we are in a rush I need to keep it simple.

Said every mum ever.

The manuals make the classic error of assuming that the children will read them and play along with it.

My darlings have never bothered reading parenting manuals

The relationship between two adults and an adult and their child is different. An adult is responsible for their child's welfare and schedule and for ensuring they do the necessary things at the required times in order to be safe, healthy and prepared for adulthood. For this reason, communication is also different.
Because its not an exchange of equals, but one where the adult is by necessity in control. To faff about pretending otherwise with "shall we get in the car now?" as though the child has a choice, when they need to get to school or home for dinner, is disingenuous and frustrates the child when they realise it was actually an instruction not an option.

It’s not about producing carbon copies it’s about teaching children to be polite and respectful. If you don’t do it yourself how can you expect your children to? And I’m not talking about an occasional losing it. I’m talking day to day general way of speaking to children.

Exactly. What do you do if you’ve asked nicely and firmly 10 times, but they’re still not doing what is asked of them? The manuals never address that possibility.

If role modelling worked then everyone would produce children whose behaviour would be an exact reflection of their parenting. We all know it doesn’t work like that.

I think that it is worth contemplating the tone you use when speaking to children. If you want your children to be polite and patient, you ought to be polite and patient. If you want them to learn to ask nicely, instead of just barking orders rudely, it helps to role model how that is done.

But at the same time - if we're comparing them to adults, it's more like you're dealing with a messy, bad tempered drunk. So yes you want to be respectful, but you've also got to take charge to ensure what needs to be done is done safely, and sometimes very direct and firm instructions are required. And we're all human and will react to frustrating/aggravating behaviour.

@BeWaryFinch
OP
We, the accused, need to know if you have children of your own. And if you do, we need to know how old they are. Could you tell us please?
This information will help us to understand where you're coming from.

I agree no please or thank you, spoken in a rude voice. It’s really poor role modelling.

I dont like a lot of things other people do. Focus on your own children and how you speak to them. You're going to be very stressed if you're worrying over how other people are doing things.

Well I speak in clear short sentences if my child is tantrumming because their capacity to process language vastly reduces when they are in fight or flight mode

i speak in direct commands with eye contact because young children cannot always attend to more than one thing at once, eg if a toddler has ANYTHING in their hands they may not process what I am saying to them.

look up blanks level questioning, 0-5year developmental milestones, and then realise that the time for speaking to your child in complex, nuanced sentences is RARELY when you are rushing around giving instructions

If an adult was making me late for work by refusing to put thro shoes on I would probably be quite firm with them too.

I’ve never had to tell an adult to put their shoes on 313 times.

If you were instructing an adult how to cook a certain dish you would say ‘turn the oven on now’, ‘chop the onion like this’ etc. it is kind of like that with children; they can’t run their own lives and need instructions.

Why do parents do this.

Because they don’t know someone is listening in and judging them when all they’re trying to do is their best.

Because children need very clear instructions, including WHEN they need to do something. So 'put your shoes on', it might not be obvious to them whether you mean at this moment, in 5 minutes, after you've finished your drink. 'Now' tells them exactly when.

100% all of this.

I watched as my friend spent 20 minutes at a cafe asking their toddler "it's time to put your shoes on now darling". Fuck me I wish she said "shoes on now". I haven't got the time or patience for all this permissive parenting.

DH is a self-sufficient adult and responds to complete sentences in a timely fashion.

The DCs are better with a succinct "exit mode in 10 minutes" "exit mode" "socks!" "shoes!"

It's a communication style developed with much trial and error over the last decade.

In a few years when they leave the nest, I'll have time to take up cat herding as a nice, relaxing hobby to fill the void.