I don't like how people tend to speak to their children

When my kids were playing up, usually when late for school it was "do it NOW" there wasnt time for "come on sweetheart, please put your shoes on"
Same when im doing the school run with my grandchildren. 3 strikes and then "GET YOUR COAT ON NOW!!!!"

I have to deal with drunk people regularly and I think the same principle applies as it does to toddlers. Try the polite and nice approach then clear, direct and firm or they just ignore you and take the piss

I have to say on the whole I agree - and I do have a child. Just one, a daughter, who is a lovely person with whom I get on really well - so that may make it easier for me to agree with you!

We both overhear parents talking to their kids on the bus, say, or in a supermarket, and wince - at times it sounds like the parents actively dislike their kids!

I realise this sounds judgemental and potentially even offensive, and it's not my intention. I am talking mainly about extremes, when people tell their children off with real malice.

I do think that modelling respectful and kind ways of talking is really important, if you want your kids to grow up respectful and kind.

But I have never had the (domestic) challenge of coping with several kids at once, or with a badly behaved child. So I guess I don't know what that would drive me to.

I am a teacher in secondary school, and while I try, again, to remain respectful and kind at all times, I do occasionally snap, have even raised my voice on occasion, when things have been particularly stressful. I do always try to apologise if I think I have been genuninely unfair.

(And I also think that there are certain extremes of behaviour - violence or extreme verbal cruelty to another child, for example - that genuinely warrant a verbal expression of outrage/anger - though I know not all would agree).

DS2 tried that once. I asked would he like me to demonstrate actual shouting and told him to put his hands on his ears, and I shouted the instruction into the doorway of an empty room.

Funnily he hasn't accused me of shouting since

God I’m glad I didn’t grow up in a house like that and that I don’t run one!

I don't need your approval. I've got lovely happy kids who get delightful school reports saying how polite, kind and considerate they are, and how well behaved they are.

Most of us here are talking about situations where a child needs a firm instruction. It doesn't mean we aren't role modelling polite behaviour, saying please, and speaking respectfully to our children. It means we understand that our children are not adults and there are situations where we speak firmly to them because we are responsible for them - for their safety, their health and wellbeing, and their behaviour.

I laughed so loud at this!!!

I know what you mean, OP. The way I hear my siblings and BIL/SIL speak to my nephews sometimes does shock me a bit. It’s usually out of exasperation and I am sure I don’t have the backstory so I stay wayyyy out of it.

When you don’t have children, you’re used to peace, calm and decorum. But yeah, my advice is stay out of it, in the nicest possible way. :)

I find that not phrasing things as a demand helps a lot and probably does with all children!

I'm not sure - my experience of NT children is they prefer clear instructions and boundaries, a demand is clear and safe, a choice (especially where really there isn't one) can be uncertain and worrying.

I agree, I’ve always spoken to my kids with respect so that they’ll respect me. I notice a lot of people think you have to shout to communicate with a child.

God I’m glad I didn’t grow up in a house like that and that I don’t run one!

As a teacher I get around this by saying things like "sit down, thank you".
The expectation is set by the thanks that they will do it, it's not a question.

Yes this works well.

Yes!!!
And then Moana has the cheek to eye you up like you’re a crazy person and say “ok ok, you don’t have to shout” 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

I do know what you mean. I find I get so much more co-operation from my children by not speaking to them this way!

My son has ADHD which comes with a helping of PDA - I find that not phrasing things as a demand helps a lot and probably does with all children!

Do you not put please on the end

She's not asking them to put their shoes on. She's telling them to.

It's an instruction, not a plea. Children's language is less developed than adults. They hear "please" as meaning they are being asked and there is a degree of optionality, when there is not. Its actually clearer for the child if you don't mince words when giving an instruction.

I've just asked my daughter to clean her teeth. There will be several reminders in the next 15 minutes

At 8.00PM when I stomp upstairs declaring that "I will brush your teeth myself if you are not in the bathroom in two seconds" she'll move at the speed of lighting.

As a teacher I get around this by saying things like "sit down, thank you".

The expectation is set by the thanks that they will do it, it's not a question.

My husband is a world class faffer - the sort of person who, if we're due to leave the house at 8am, by 7:58am has not yet got his shoes and coat on and suddenly decides to boot up his laptop to check the weather forecast or something. I freely admit I will sometimes snap 'Put that down and get your shoes on!". I am the opposite and if I need to leave the house at 8am I will be fully ready to walk out the door by 7:50 at the latest.

I think parents are far too bossy. You wouldn’t like to be told what to do all the time and certainly not like that. I don’t think it’s necessary. Why wouldn’t a child want to put their shoes on or why would they not want to go to bed, fix that and then you don’t have to tell them what to do. There are some exceptions where it is necessary but generally and all of the time bossing someone about isn’t nice yes they are not adults but are still a person and should have the freedom to make their own choices

You’re absolutely right, it sort of reframes it as a question rather than a command - you’ve hit the nail on the head

Children typically lack the empathy, respect and consideration to copy adults polite behaviour. While we are waiting for them to mature we do also need them to comply, for their safety, our sanity, and social cohesion.

Obedience might not be fashionable but its rather essential for it to be learned.

Do you not put please on the end

My children have learned decent communication from the time spent together that isn't functional instructions, time at the dinner table, general conversation and observing other communications.

They're teenagers now and reports from school are positive, and they interact well with adults at extra-curriculars so they haven't been stunted or damaged too badly by the brusk, minimal instructions over the years (even with executive function and autism issues in the mix)

I think the key is to slowly escalate. No point doing the same thing 10 times when it isn't working. (Easier said than done though when you're usually busy yourself and could really use them just putting on their own f*cking shoes when asked, without further parental involvement).

When my children repeatedly ignore my instructions, it's usually because their attention is fixed elsewhere. So I physically intervene to ensure their attention has to be on me. For example, remove the toy / turn off the TV, and get down in their face and say something like "Look at me - it's time to get your shoes on, we are already running late. Get your shoes on, now".

We should speak to children with respect and model good manners. I'd say the majority of parents do but after asking nicely more than once and being ignored, a firmer approach is needed. What do you think we should do OP? Just continue to ask nicely and never get anywhere? I'm sure you're the type who'd be quick to complain about parenting if a colleague didn't turn into work or a friend didn't show for a meeting because their child didn't put their shoes on and get in the car.

I have ND children so I have to be precise with language. If I was to say “Put your shoes on please?” it makes the phrase into a question and then it becomes an option but saying “Put your shoes on now” is very clear and they know exactly what is expected of them. I will thank them after they have done it.