I don't like how people tend to speak to their children

Gosh that’s so surprising that you don’t have your own child!

I agree with you to some extent OP. Give them time to finish what they're doing before expecting them to do what you want. Make putting on your shoes a game instead of resorting to yelling the minute they don't do it. The more time you spend with your kids doing positive things the more they are going to want to please you. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and speak firmly but yelling and threats are not the way to go - kids soon become immune. It can be difficult but I have a young adult with ASD so it's not like I've had an easy ride.

Riiiight. Because children make such wonderful, mature choices. 🙄

When I was a kid, if I didn't do as asked the first time I got a smack - don't you think the "sternly voiced instruction" method is an improvement?

You can't expect small children to really grasp concepts like "mummy has an important meeting at nine so we need to leave for nursery now" or "we can't be late for the doctor". Everything can't be a bloody negotiation. Personally I wish more parents would drop the wheedling and make it clear to their DC that obeying them isn't optional and they'll save themselves some hassle if they just do it the first time.

Sorry - your example of your superior approach to parenting is bribing a child with chocolate. Wow! I'm not saying in desperation some good parents don't do it - but I would see that as a "minor" parenting fail because its super unsustainable and interferes with keeping them on a balanced diet that isn't made up of chocolate.

Also, as your congratulate yourself on your own genius at dealing with children you don't seem to have read any of the research which says that kids largely play up with their primary parenting relationships the most because they feel most safe in those relationships and so use them to test boundaries. It's super common for kids to push back hard on their parents and then comply with rules from people they are much more distant from e.g. teachers.

So you bribed him to get into the car & think that makes you some sort of guru 🥴 do you have children OP? If not, then I don’t think you can really give a nuanced opinion on parenting.

Because after explaining why, explaining why again, counting down, explaining that time is running out to leave the house and get to where we need to go ( e.g school for the child and work for the parent) there is still nothing doing and a clear explicit command has to be given!

I have to do things I don't like and don't want to do, but that is how the world is.

Why on earth would we bribe our children with a chocolate button to put their shoes on? I have to put my shoes on to go to work. I don't think my boss would be best pleased if he had to bribe me with buttons to get stuff done.

Children still have to do things like go to the shops with a parent, it's not going to harm them. Doing exactly as they want though, will harm them.

You obviously don't have children.

Tbh, she's incredibly young.

To be honest I don't have my own child

That's pretty obvious.

But when a 2.5 year old points and whines when they know perfectly well how to say mummy I want my bottle please, then it’s reasonable

Have you considered adopting him from his inferior mother? 🤣

You are incredibly arrogant OP

Another non parent telling parents how to parent 😂🤣 come back to us 8 years after you have your first child, your views will differ.

Also telling a child firmly to do something now doesn't even necessarily involve shouting.

To be honest I don't have my own child
No shit, Sherlock!

Fairly sure if another adult spoke to you the way that you speak to your children you would not like it. 'put your shoes on now' 'go to bed now' 'get in the car now' many other examples, or changing your tone of voice to be different than if you were speaking to another adult. Why do parents do this

You're correct, I would not like it. But also, another adult wouldn't have had to ask me 32 times to get ready to go out before I agreed to do it.

Yes, you should sometimes give your children choices - trainers or wellies? Pink or blue t-shirt? Carrots or peas? Fine. But shoes on now because we need to go to school? Get in the car because we need to pick up your brother? Go to bed because we need to get up early tomorrow? Go to the supermarket with me otherwise we won't eat tonight? These would be non-negotiable in my book, and no, I am not going to bribe my child with chocolate - all I've done then is teach my child that if I want them to do something, they can hold out for a bribe each and every time.

You should ask your child with respect. But equally, there will be very few parents who have not, as some point, told a child to 'do it now'. Some children, even after you have asked with respect, several times, just won't do it. If you are shouting often, then something clearly isn't working. But the occasional shout does no harm at all. I think it can be good for a child to understand that sometimes they've just pushed you too far.

Your OP talks about how parents need to talk to their kids like they’re adults and then later on you mention bribing a 6 year old to get in the car with chocolate? Might try that with my husband next time I want him to leave the house with me. As it apparently works on adults too by your own logic.

@whispycloud I remember a teacher when I was in year 4, who would yell regularly "are you deaf, daft, or disobedient?" And no, this wasn't combined with a lesson on alliteration. She also once gave an order in French, and challenged the class to translate it for her (one child could!), to make the point that she might just as well be speaking in French, from how much people were listening. I also remember a teacher saying to one child, and I quote: "what do you think you're doing, you horrid little boy?" And not in a cheerful jokey way, but with pure venom. And it wasn't even her class. Teachers speaking in this way did not make me respect them.

Actually, I have to admire some of the tricks my parents played when I was older. When I simply wouldn't take advice from them as a teenager, such as the importance of doing homework, they got other people to persuade me, such as my grandmother, because it was a very different relationship. And I have to say, this approach worked. I did feel a little tricked when I found out, but even then, I saw why they did it.

I used to think like OP when I was about twelve. 🤔

Because OP when my children where little they tested boundaries like all children do. After I've asked nicely a few times I will tell them to do it now. Parents don't have all day to put them in time out if for example I need them to put on their shoes to pick up another child from school. Also don't bribe them with chocolate, they will expect it every time you ask them to do something. Not a good parenting choice.

From the age of 12 I looked after my little sister, a lot. She was 10 years younger than me. I mean I had her a lot - fed her, bathed her, played with her, taught her, took her shopping for clothes, put her to bed, took her to nursery and school (and missed my own schooling), counselled her, comforted her. I thought it had prepared me a little bit for having my own child. It did, but only in the most superficial ways, because ultimate responsibility did not lie with me for anything. It was a lot, but it was still nothing like being a parent. Even with all that kind-of responsibility, I could still hand her off to another adult or phone another adult to deal with it or to find out what to do. There were no consequences for me. When she was ill I comforted her but I didn't make any decisions about medicine, doctor or hospital. That applies to everything. If she didn't get didn't get her shoes on ultimately I didn't have to argue with her and try to get her to do it. That responsibility to get her to school was on me for that day in the most superficial way - but the responsibility for her to go every and receive an education wasn't. I could have bribed her and probably did but what did it achieve in the end? The only 'achievement' was probably just to make things harder for her actual parents.

So maybe the OP really does believe that hanging around intervening with bribes now and then is the same as parenting but we all know she is utterly, utterly wrong.

I tell you what, I was an absolutely amazing parent before I had children.

I have been able to calm my friends child down and get him to do xyz when she couldn’t

a friend has been able to get my son to read and do his homework enthusiastically I failed this throughout his school years

how children behave with a parent is often very different to how they are with other adults (including grandparents or Nannie’s/childminders) because the relationship is different, it’s not bad parenting or wrong parenting its you just can’t compare

this is fundamental to understand when analysing how children react and how parents parent

“I don’t tell children to do the things they’re refusing to do, because we wouldn’t do that to an adult. If I need a child to do something I encourage them with chocolate coins instead.”

So basically you train them with treats like a dog? Right, yeah. That’s much better then, isn’t it? Maybe get a clicker to signal the reward as well, and maybe start on the crate-training for when you’re out of the house. Don’t forget to fill a chew toy with treats to keep them busy as well. They need the enrichment.

Also LOL at ‘If they don’t want to wear shoes to school, put them in a bag and take them with you and they can put them on later’… ie, don’t perform essential care tasks for your own child because you’re scared to issue basic orders, but expect their teacher to do it all for you instead.

I keep coming back to see if @BeWaryFinchwill come back and show any insight. I think you have a general point by the way, but it’s delivered with such crazy naivety about what’s involved in raising children. That’s why I posted that Michael McIntyre clip earlier - we all ‘thought we knew’ what it was like to raise kids before we did. I think people would engage with your points a bit more if you could actually show some humility and realise you don’t know much about the reality of parenting kids 24/7.

She said she doesn’t