Not using second christening dress MIL bought

This isn't really about the dress, or the christening, or the decorations.
It's about the fact that your MIL thinks that she has the right to make decisions which are yours to make.
If you don't put your foot down NOW, this will continue and get worse.
She will find a way to do other things that you would naturally want to do (e.g. first trip to Father Christmas etc.)
Time to make it clear to her that this is your child - yours and your fiance's (and he needs to have your back!)

Well the cake was just an offer and you've nipped that in the bud.

Baby is wearing the dress you chose and MIL seems to have accepted that.

The coffee table thing was rude.

I think much of it is just exuberant grandparenting op. I wouldn't frame it as all this "passive aggressive doormat psychobabble" or you will end up breathing too much energy into the situation. Maybe thank her for the second dress and say you will pop her in it for some photos after, and use the decorations you like and quietly shelve the others. And leave your coffee table where it is if you like it.

Start as you mean to go on, nip this utter nonsense in the bud.

MIL had her children and presumably decided on their clothes, decorations and cake many years ago. It is your time now not hers.

oh, is there a drip feed?

I'll have a look ...

When you say "this nonsense", she's only bought her grand-daughter a gift.

I think the nonsense is more the idea that having a baby means you can dictate what people are allowed to choose to gift with their own money.

My grandmother used to make us dresses - months of smocking and sewing. My mother and my aunts always made sure we used them for a nice occasion and gave my grandmother a photo, if she wasn't actually there to enjoy seeing us in them. My grandparents also travelled a lot and would bring us each back an outfit - often a traditional one; we all still have the most fabulous traditional "trachten" - and nobody got all weird about it. My grandmother had a photo of me in one when I went as Heidi on Book Day. It sat on her mantelpiece for years.

@Calliopespa what about the cake, decorations, removal of furniture demands of MIL?

I think the same op. You've chosen the main dress, she hasn't asked for it to be used in place of that, and she didn't know you had bought the other.

Is it such a big deal to pop her in it for a few photos after the other has been showcased?

I suspect this has nothing to do with the actual dress and everything to do with her being a passive-aggressive control freak. I was raised by one so I can spot them a mile off! It’s hard to stand up to people like this because they play the victim and call you ungrateful if you call out their controlling overbearing behaviour (“oh that’s such a hurtful thing to say, I was only trying to be helpful” blah blah blah).

With my DM, once I realised she was incapable of seeing anyone else’s viewpoint or respect people’s boundaries and was never going to change, I learnt to be breezy but firm with my opinions and then shut her down by changing the subject before she could respond again - playing her at her own mind games basically, which is sad but it was the only way I could have a relationship with her without going insane or smothering her in her sleep!

I think you need to take the same approach with your MIL and work out what tactics will work on her otherwise you’ll become her go-to doormat whenever she feels like throwing her weight around. Your DH is probably so used to her doing this shit that he’s either oblivious to it or just think it’s normal.

She is your child ... decorations cake dresses it's not mils choice.
Why oh why do mils have to give us mils a bad name by doing these things.
I'd just offer any help needed just shout to my kids not taking over... we've had our children let the parents have their special times mils.

I’m an easy going person but you really need to nip this in the bud now or she will ruin every Christmas, birthday etc with this nonsense. My parents wanted to treat our daughter to her christening dress. They asked us which one we wanted and then bought it. They wouldn’t have dreamed of choosing a different one.

Not all mil are like this. I loved mine who passed away at 95. I still miss her. Is your husband an only child?

What ever he wants, it shouldn't be a dress his mum bought. If he was that interested im sure he would have picked a 2nd dress himself

Good
seems like you’ve got it surrounded
just tell her NO. with a pleasant smile.

Really? It’s not kind to just lie down and accept whatever someone else wants to impose onto your life. OP wants her child to be christened in a dress she’s chosen and has very good reasons for using her dress. MIL just wants to override OP as a power play, no real reason for her behaviour other than that. This is not a ‘be kind’ scenario.

OP, it’s your baby and your Christening. I think your MIL’s behaviour is a combination of excited grandmother, and wanting to be involved. You’re going to have to be firm though - “MIL, we love that you are so excited about DC’s Christening, but we want to do it our way.” So compromise - put the baby in her awful dress for a photograph; only use the decorations that go with your scheme, and make it very clear to your MIL that your house is yours and that you will choose whichever furniture suits you and she doesn’t have to like it. As far as the cake is concerned, I think she was trying to be helpful. You said that she wanted a friend (and not her) to make it - so if she’s not a baker herself, she probably regards it as a big thing to make a Christening cake. I made a Christening cake for one DGC and bought one for another, but this was at the request of the mother. It doesn’t do to fall out with your MIL, but equally, you need to set the ground rules. She sounds well-meaning but inclined to over-step - so take advantage of the fact that she want to be involved and next time, take her shopping with you so you can get decorations together - you get what you want and she has the pleasure of being involved. I think her motives are good: it’s the imposition on you, and the fact that she goes against what you want, that is irritating.

We can't stop other people being controlling but we can refuse to be controlled. You are under no obligation to use the things she buys. You also don't have to have a conversation about it, beforehand, with her. If she asks why you didn't...."I didn't want to" is a fine response

I mean, I'm a very committed atheist, but your attitude isn't very Christian, surely? Love and compassion, and all that..

Why is your partner, supposedly agreeing with you, telling you to stand up to MIL? Why isn’t he standing up to his mother? Why is he expecting you to do the dirty work? Her interference needs to be stopped, this is more than an excited granny.

She is taking over. She may feel like she’s helping, but it’s your child and totally normal to want your own theme etc. You need to nip it in the bud, before she is buying birthday banners etc. I’d just say you really appreciate her thoughtfulness but you already have a theme in mind. She has had her time to do this with her own DC, now she needs to step back a bit, and offer if she wants to be helpful, as she is over stepping the mark.

Your partner agrees with your choices and says you need to stand up for yourself, but this is his mother being domineering - why isn’t he standing up for the choices that he agreed with you? Seems to me that he is afraid to stand up to his mother, he is always the one being dominated. That’s the charitable opinion. The other option is that he’s not actually a very nice man and is setting you up to be dominated. Does he have your back?

Your p needs a kick up the arse, it's his mother he needs to put her straight, not expect you to sort her out.
She's laying down the law now, just wait until you are married and she 'owns' you as a dil. Get her sorted now with proper support from your p and let her know her place.
Your home, your rules.

If I’m understanding rightly , your dh is agreeing with yiu , but , standing up for yourself , is doing what you believe to be right , even if , No one else agrees
You weight it up and try ti be fair.
But yiur mil is a pushy personality, and will continue to walk , roughshod over you till you draw the line.
it is hard , but draw the line NOW
from here on it gets easier
you have one life …..

Don’t use her dress and use only a few of her decor pieces. If you do, you’ll only encourage her.

If she says anything, “oh MIL, but we told you we’d got her outfits sorted!”
”yes your pieces are nice but I saw these and they work better in the room. I put some of yours over there, look.”

My dc’s dress for her first birthday party was chosen by someone who did it by trampling over my boundaries, but I had no support in asserting what I wanted. I ended up feeling like a spare wheel at the party and it still hurts now to remember (child is mid teens).

If your husband thinks you need to be more assertive, I would take that on board. I still struggle now with people pleasing, but as I’ve got older, the field in which my fucks are grown has got less fertile and I look forward to a time when it’s completely barren!

Can't you ask your fiancé to talk to her?

He should tell her that this is your baby and you wanted to plan the christening yourself. You wanted to choose your baby's dress and the decorations and the cake and she's acting like it's her own baby's christening.