Page 6 | To quit work and be SAHM

SingingSands · 01/10/2025 14:19

@Blueyrocks yes, I see now, thank you for replying!

Also - you've given a little bit of your background on here and I just wanted to say that acknowledging your difficult background is totally valid in your decision here. You want the absolute best for your children and for them to have a stable and calm home life. You might be framing your decision to give up work as what is best for them, but it would also be healing for you, I think.

You've given great answers here and I think you should go for it (for what a stranger's opinion is worth!).

You sound confident that your DH will support you and you say it won't be forever. Life with 3 kids will ALWAYS be busy, but taking a few years off to reset the balance while they are young may be the best decision for your family right now.

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 14:18

@ranoutofquinoaandprosecco can I ask what you mean when you say your DH pays you? As in, you get money put into a separate ACC of your own, on addition to having access to the family money?

OP posts:

Wethers121 · 01/10/2025 14:17

Hi OP, how many days do you work? We were in a similar situation but my job was more of a career and would be very hard to get back into. I chose to work part time (2 days), have retained my role and salary and stayed part time now the youngest is at school. I love it and our life is so much easier as a whole. That being said, if my job was easy to get back into at any point, I would absolutely have had a few years at home. I could easily fill my time now over five days and would really enjoy it.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 01/10/2025 14:13

I gave up work about 18 months ago, but my DH pays me to stay at home, I have access to all family money and he pulls his weight (with a nudge sometimes) when he’s home. Our kids are both at secondary school now and in main it’s been great for us all. DH has climbed the corporate ladder, DCs can go to all the extra curricular they want as I’m around to taxi them, they come home to home cooked meals most of the week.
However, after finishing most of our house projects off, I did get itchy feet and have now started a very part time position which I can work as when suits me, which feels good to be part of a team and to be making a little bit of money and feeding in to my pension.

So, I suppose what I’m saying is, you and your DH need to be on board with what you staying at home entails, what access to money you’ll have and that weekends and holidays don’t all fall
on you.

Crunchymum · 01/10/2025 14:10

If you truly think you'll be able to step back into a similar, PT role in a few years then I'd say consider it.

If not then I'd stick it out. PT work isn't as easy to come by as people think and the job market could shift quite a bit whilst you are taking some time off.

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 14:09

Hankunamatata · 01/10/2025 13:53

Why dont you approach work and ask for a two year unpaid family leave. Worse they day is no.

This is a really good idea! I very much doubt work will let me, but it is worth asking...

OP posts:

ImGonnaKeepOnDancing · 01/10/2025 14:06

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 09:30

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

I took a break to be a SAHM when my daughter was around 20 months old. I found working, parenting & running a house very stressful and like I was constantly chasing my tail. I also felt like I missed out on a lot while my daughter was a baby because I went back to work when she was 9 months old once my mat leave ended. I don’t regret it at all but she is 8 now and I’ve decided to go back and have just been offered a job in the career I trained hard for and I’m qualified to do. It’s not always been plain sailing but I don’t regret it at all. I think if it’s something that will ease your stress, make home life easier and give you more time with your family while they’re still small then it’s worth it, especially as your income is very small after all fees. Good Luck OP 😊

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 14:04

@SingingSands ah sorry if I wasn't clear. I just meant after childcare costs the family as a whole is £300/month better off with me in work. And much much busier. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 14:03

@ThatLemonJoker yeah, honestly, in no way whatsoever am I independent! My job doesn't give me that. And I'd still need support in one way or another if my marriage ends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 14:01

@MellowPinkDeer @margegunderson I think you both asked about DH being SAHD, would he ever consider it, and why are we prioritising his career over mine (sorry if wrong posters!) Good questions, and the honest answer is absolutely no chance my DH would do this. Financially it wouldn't be possible, we'd have to move house which we wouldn't be able to afford. In principle, he might, though I think unlikely he'd want to.

Unfortunately his career just has better opportunities. Mine isn't likely to have many. So I'm not sure what the theoretical answers are, but the practical situation is that it's just not an either/or. He has a career, I have a good job.

Plus, I really do love being with my kids. So does he, of course, but I just mean it doesn't feel like a massive sacrifice I'm resenting, if that makes sense?

OP posts:

SingingSands · 01/10/2025 14:01

Sorry if I missed this, but why are you paying all the childcare costs if your husband is earning twice more than what you do?

You say in your OP "We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare. "

Is that actually true or are you skewing your perspective? If you share finances with your husband jointly then you are both contributing to childcare expenses.

Frankenbetty · 01/10/2025 14:00

If you want to then be a SAHM, alternatively get an evening job, that’s what I did when dcs were young

ThatLemonJoker · 01/10/2025 13:56

Could you cut your hours in your current job? That would be quite a safe option.

It sounds like the main barrier to trying this is being afraid of not being able to find another job if you need to. I would have a good, rational think about how likely this is. Go on job sites, talk to people in your current workplace. Really bottom out that fear.

I completely understand people saying ‘keep your independence’ but on the other hand, the whole point of marriage is that you’re not independent.

Hankunamatata · 01/10/2025 13:53

Why dont you approach work and ask for a two year unpaid family leave. Worse they day is no.

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 13:50

ARichtGoodDram · 01/10/2025 09:45

Also is your husband employed or self-employed?

If life goes tits up then it's much much harder to force self employed men to pay child maintenance so I'd never be a SAHP if my spouse was self employed

Thank you for this - he's employed. But these are the sorts of considerations that wouldn't have occurred to me. Of course I don't see us splitting up, but who does, so it's an important question.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 13:47

I can't find the posts where people have said going SAHM had a bad effect on their marriage but thank you to those posters for the honesty. I do worry that DH will end up more stressed ,not less, if he's the only earner. And that will increase the whole family's stress, so I'll have to look for a job again and not find one as good as what I have now.

OP posts:

Mischance · 01/10/2025 13:44

You and your OH are a team. You work together for the good of all of you. Sometimes that will mean you are both out at work, sometimes only one, sometimes a bit of both. The aim is for things to run smoothly so people can lead peaceful and calm lives, and with 3 children that will often mean that 2 full time workers is not ideal.
Stay at home for a bit if you are both happy with that. Everyone will be able to relax and life will be easier.
You can go back to work when there is a bit of slack in the system when the children are older.
Families are under such pressure and if it is not necessary in your case then take some time out from work and enjoy your children.

estellacandance · 01/10/2025 13:40

Cut your hours but keep your job?

BorderCauli99 · 01/10/2025 13:38

I think you can make it work as long as All money into one pot and you both agree the budget for everything ahead of time. (Watch Dave Ramsay on YouTube to see what I mean) You need to feel empowered to make decisions, financial and otherwise first, and both have a ‘family pot’ mindset where you both understand your roles. I would urge you to really examine this. Lots of women in my friendships (age 40s) only realised after giving up work that their DH wasn’t quite as willing to be equals as they first thought.

If you genuinely have financial ducks in a row then go for it. The relief will be immense and all of you will be happier. Keep thinking ‘what’s next’ as the months tick by and invest in yourself. Do some training or volunteering and keep your own career in mind. Return when you can and build something that is for you for when the kids grow and need you far less/move out.

Agree the finances that will be needed for this self investment too eg money for a part time OU degree, professional IT training, investment in your own business etc etc. This shows that you both recognise the impact of leaving work on you. That positions this plan as two people fulfilling roles that need doing currently rather than my identity is mum/doer of everything that is unpaid forever more. It shows you both value each others roles.

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 13:37

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/10/2025 10:48

The short answer is £1300 a month additional disposable income for a family of 4 is £15600 a year. If you won that in a radio competition in the morning you'd be totally chuffed and would find a million things to do with it. That you can generate that much spare cash while working PT is kudos to you.

Yes, it's a complete grind with small children but it will be anyway if you are at home FT without any of the luxury of some extra cash for treats, for a fortnightly cleaner, for days out with the kids when you are not working, to have some cash of your own to buy some nice things for yourself. I wouldn't give it up at all.

This is very true, and you're absolutely right to point it out in these terms: it's a lot of disposable income, once we get it. And yeah, I hadn't joined the dots and realised that, once we aren't paying it all in childcare, we could use some to get a cleaner, but that is true.... 😂

I'd also love to be able to help my wee brother out a bit more, financially. His washing machine broke recently and I just can't afford to give him the money for a new one. That wouldn't be an option if I'm SAHM, but in a year's time it's the sort of thing I can do if I stay in work.

Though, on the other hand, he's fairly nearby (45min drive. Just no help at all with the kids, which of course I don't expect, but that's why I said no family support). If I was a SAHM and all fell apart with DH, I think me and the kids could stay with my wee brother for a while at least, until things were sorted...

OP posts:

Gamerlady · 01/10/2025 13:29

If you can afford it then take it, you can get another job when the children are much older and more independent. I loved being a sahm for quite a while, im now back working full time now the children have become teens.

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 13:25

@ishimbob but he means, if I'm a SAHM, I can prep dinner during the day while he's working. The whole idea is that he would have less housework to do, if I'm at home. And I'd have less work to do, as my only work would be the domestic stuff. Definitely the idea isn't for him to be doing more housework, if I'm a SAHM. Just it would reduce the hours of work done by the family overall, so both of us end up with more time. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

ThatLemonJoker · 01/10/2025 13:22

I am a big believer in giving things a go. Life is short. Try it for a year or two. If it’s boring or your DH is a pig or you miss the money, you will find another job.

Fwiw I know exactly how you feel. I work part time school hours with a short commute and 2 days wfh and I still feel like I’m frazzled and permanently on the edge. I don’t even have your mh challenges which sound significant. I think having a lot of kids (more than 2!) and no family support really does mean you are pushed to the brink when something happens (kid ill, you ill, multiple kids needing different things at the same time etc). My view is that assuming you can afford a basic, reasonable quality of life it’s better for kids to have parents who aren’t frazzled than to have extra holidays and stuff.

Original poster

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 13:21

Gremlins101 · 01/10/2025 10:14

Your situation is very like my own and I wouldn't quit my job. I'd absolutely love to not work, but what it does offer me is so valuable and long term is vital (paying PRSI, helping with mortgage, independent financially in case life goes away etc). Im always in a hurry, on the school run, house a mess, but those things are manageable.

What makes things a little easier is that I can WFH if a child is sick so I understand that can be stressful if you have no back up

Sorry @Gremlins101 but what is PRSI?

OP posts:

mazedasamarchhare · 01/10/2025 13:20

Don’t do it. I was in the same position and rue the day I gave up my job, I’m back working now mine are at secondary school, but it took the best part of a year to find a job. I absolutely hated being a sahp, I love my kids but really missed adult conversation, and felt my brain rotting away. My husband also felt it meant he didn’t have to lift a finger (including weekends), it’s taken some serious backside kicking to get him to pick up the slack and realise he can’t just swan off for a jolly now I’m back working. Your husband has to get the idea into his head, that your work, while lower paid is just as important as his, and if the kids are ill, sometimes he’s going to have to take time off to look after them. I’m sure the more men do 50/50 the more work places will accommodate it, it’s crap that women still effectively oil the wheels of society, by picking up most of the slack when it comes to child care, yet we get zero recognition for it.
by giving up work you put yourself in a financially precarious position, and your pension will also take a hammering, you need to look at the long term consequences of giving up work.