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AIBU?

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Original poster

To quit work and be SAHM

220 replies

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 09:30

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

OP posts:
bluebettyy · 02/10/2025 07:28

I wouldn’t give it up. You have the best of both worlds working part time.

Om83 · 02/10/2025 07:27

I appreciate you've now come to a decision to stay on and see how having the money turns out next summer… I just want to add some observations that all the way through, your posts have been very much that you want to be with your children and that life as it stands is to overwhelming - to the point that even the thought of having some short term respite is making you emotional.

the sick leave will give you time to see things clearly when you’re not chasing your tail but honestly, if you are looking for answers, you have them- for now you have clearly stated you want to stay at home to be with your kids and have some breathing space, this is what deep down I think you know is right for you, over and above any extra money.

it’s too hard to look into a crystal ball to think will you miss work, will it feel like drudgery.., but the great thing about life is that if it does you go back to work! From your description of having a job rather than career, it possibly wouldn’t be hard to find something again a year or two down the line if you wanted to?

I took time out to be a sahm but my kids were older - 10 and 12 and by that time I was completely burnt out and exhausted. My kids hadn’t had the best of me and I have so much guilt to have missed out on aspects of their childhood as mentally and physically I wasn’t always there and was constantly fire fighting my own mental health until it got to the point I couldn’t carry on. I worry that if you don’t deal with your PTSD now and carry on then it may all break apart in a few years and you will be picking yourself up from rock bottom. I expect it to be hard and scary taking the time to deal with your PTSD- it is easier absolutely to avoid and distract yourself by keeping busy as you are, but it may come back and bite you in the bum as it did with me.

the thing that got me in the end to let go, get some perspective and stop was someone said to me something along the lines of when you’re a wee wise old woman, what advice would she say? Looking back, Would she want you to keep pushing to your limits (when financially you can manage)?? What’s going to be more important to you when you look back on your life? Only you know if you will be truly happier with extra money/holidays to say if it is worth it. Kids are resilient and they will adapt to whatever is the status quo- this decision is down to you doing what’s right for you and your happiness.

nothing has to be forever and what’s for you won’t go by you (I’m back at work now and feeling much more balanced now in a better position all round). Life is short and if you feel the urge/ gut feeling to act now then I would listen to it. Good luck x

Bobbieiris · 02/10/2025 07:23

if thats your gut feeling and you can afford it, then do it! Weigh up the pros and cons. It seems like you enjoy your job….would you miss it if you left?
if you think you would be happier then you could trial it and always return to working later in life.

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 02/10/2025 06:12

Thank you all so much for all the advice and insights. DH and I talked through the question again last night with all the things raised here, which was so helpful.

I also realised that I wouldn't consider quitting until Christmas at the earliest as that would really screw my lovely colleagues, and would feel terrible quitting before the end of the financial year, which takes us so close to the funded childcare hours that it's hardly worth quitting until we get those and see how life feels with the extra money. If work doesn't let me change my hours to school hours & term time only, it may not feel worthwhile financially anyway, but all that we have to wait and see.

But meanwhile, a few weeks of sick leave does feel like a possibility. DH very much in favour. I feel kind of weepy or something at the thought. Not sure if it's feeling like a failure, or feeling like it's acknowledging the PTSD in a way I haven't before.

OP posts:
Dunnowhatimat · 01/10/2025 23:04

Can you take a career break or similar for a year and see how it suits you first before quitting altogether?

justasking111 · 01/10/2025 21:50

By the time you retire you'll have been working for fifty years. A few years out if you have the children fairly close together is neither here nor there. Friends had good enough pensions from the NHS to retire at 55.

Zanatdy · 01/10/2025 20:46

You need to think of all possibilities and what happens if you take 10yrs out of work, your marriage breaks down and you’re no longer in a position where you have the luxury of being a SAHM. You would struggle to get a job with a decent salary when just returning to the workplace, not to mention stuff like pensions. I personally would never be a SAHM for many reasons, but keeping independence is vitally important as if the marriage breaks down, your DH would be just fine given he’s the main earner.

wfhwfh · 01/10/2025 20:39

When I read your initial post, my first thought was about your pension - as I think a lot of people just think about the present day and don’t think about how they will fare in retirement. However, having read you have £400k already in your pension pot makes this less of an issue. Even if you don’t pay anything else in and just let it grow, I think you’ll end up with a healthier retirement fund than a lot of people who plan to work right through.

If I was you and dealing with all you’ve had to deal with and having the support of your DH, I would be very tempted to give being at home a try. Ultimately, the best choice isn’t always the one that makes the most financial sense but the one that will make your family the happiest. Obviously this is provided you aren’t being financially reckless - but this doesn’t sound like it applies here at all.

(And I do think all the more cautious advice you are getting is great. But - in your shoes - I think I’d be trying a spell as a SAHM).

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 20:29

@GOODCAT Thank you for replying. These are all good points for me to consider. I have a pretty good pension already, for reasons unrelated to my job. And I won't be in an 'elderly parent/ teenager' sandwich, as we live abroad from both our mothers, and our fathers are both dead. DH is very far away from his mother, and I have a very limited relationship with my mother and have no intention whatsoever of caring for her in her old age.

AI proof - I have no idea! My guess is not, but who knows? My job does involve a lot of people-working/ relationships... ?

On DH resentment longer term, it's a good point to raise. I could imagine, if I was still a SAHM when our kids are teens and need less practical care from me, he might feel he has the rougher deal. But on the other hand, I think the early years have been hard for me in ways he hasn't experienced (though of course they've been hard for him too), so swings and roundabouts?

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 01/10/2025 20:07

I would normally want to make all the sensible points here about pension etc. and fully agree with those, but if your job is not particularly AI proof, could you use a period where instead of work you retrain for something that is better for your long term future, so you can make up for the lack of pension later. It also gives you something that is for you.

I would just say that I have seen people on the wrong end of this by not making those pension contributions and having to work so much harder later on when health declines, sometimes widowed or divorced, and you are in the elderly parent/teenager sandwich.

Also spouses can be OK without you working at the start, but the longer it continues the more they can feel the burden of being the financial provider. It seems to change the dynamic.

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 19:56

Seamoss · 01/10/2025 19:33

You sound like you're trying to make a major life decision while you're standing inside a burning building. You need to get out of the fire before you you can think straight.

My advice to you is to get signed off work. You have PTSD which is sufficient to go on long term sick, you also sound very stressed.

Use the income you have from sick pay to pay for private therapy. Find a Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist, make sure they've had their own analysis and have supervision. Use your therapy to address your PTSD; your feelings of guilt at taking sick leave for a very serious mental health condition; and also to talk through this decision.

Give yourself the time and space to become fully well and think about what you want.

I read this to DH and he laughed and said it was a great response! I will give it some thought - thank you.

OP posts:
RandomUsernameHere · 01/10/2025 19:49

YANBU in my opinion, but Mumsnet is generally very against anyone not working full time, as you can see from the responses!

Seamoss · 01/10/2025 19:33

You sound like you're trying to make a major life decision while you're standing inside a burning building. You need to get out of the fire before you you can think straight.

My advice to you is to get signed off work. You have PTSD which is sufficient to go on long term sick, you also sound very stressed.

Use the income you have from sick pay to pay for private therapy. Find a Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist, make sure they've had their own analysis and have supervision. Use your therapy to address your PTSD; your feelings of guilt at taking sick leave for a very serious mental health condition; and also to talk through this decision.

Give yourself the time and space to become fully well and think about what you want.

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 19:08

Delatron · 01/10/2025 17:19

With regards to ‘setting a good example by working’. I was so stressed and shouty that this was completely negated.

My boys know I had a big career. They know I took time off to reset and at that time I could pick them from school and spend more time with them. Then they saw me retrain and start my own business.

So I don’t think taking some time
for your health and not working is setting a bad example (and I’m gonna be honest when they’re young they are not really paying attention to your careers!).

Yeah, I totally understand - DH and I aren't always setting a good example by working, as we're sometimes stressed and cross 😞That said, my sister doesn't work, and that's not an example I'd. Want to set for my kids either, even though she does have a fairly calm lifestyle. She has no partner or kids, so lives off my mother's support. But my older brother has a job and also 3 kids, but a lot of anger issues (I think prob PTSD as well). He tries his best and I don't want to criticise him, but I want a calmer life for my kids. l think he's great but I don't want that to be me. But I don't want to be my sister either!!!

But a few weeks off is maybe an option. I can't do it now, but maybe once I finish this big piece of work I have to do.

OP posts:
Mischance · 01/10/2025 19:05

I honestly think that taking time out to care for children (by either parent) sets an example to them of how to balance life and establish priorities. It is only a good thing if it can be afforded.

DurinsBane · 01/10/2025 18:15

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 12:15

I definitely don't love my job. I'm just very conscious it's a huge stroke of luck to have part time, well paid, safe and low stress job with nice colleagues amd I can WFH as much as I want.

But I think I'm easily overwhelmed because of PTSD. Someone asked why the heck we feed our kids instant noodles when they manage home cooked meals every day with 95+ hours of paid work. We mostly do cook home cooked meals, but I had a really bad week, flashbacks, dissociation and physical illness as a result of that. And that just throws everything out of routine badly. Plus DH and I both do exercise a lot, which is really important for my MH and just for him feeling ok in himself. So home cooked meals sometimes fall off the list. I do feel bad about that, but I just have lower capacity than a lot of other people.

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for giving your kids instant noodles etc at times. Most parents do, MN isn’t reflective of real life in some situations

Mary46 · 01/10/2025 17:21

Hard to know op. I had a long spell at time but harder to get back to workplace then. My friend loves it but he high up in his job life easier with her home (kid in college). Hard know isnt it..

Delatron · 01/10/2025 17:19

With regards to ‘setting a good example by working’. I was so stressed and shouty that this was completely negated.

My boys know I had a big career. They know I took time off to reset and at that time I could pick them from school and spend more time with them. Then they saw me retrain and start my own business.

So I don’t think taking some time
for your health and not working is setting a bad example (and I’m gonna be honest when they’re young they are not really paying attention to your careers!).

Delatron · 01/10/2025 17:13

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 17:10

@Delatron so sorry to hear you had cancer, I hope you're recovered now. Thank you for posting. I am a bit afraid of taking sick leave, even signed off. I had a different career before kids, and sick leave was absolutely not an option, unless you were like not able to leave the bathroom sick. And this is a new sector and new job for me, I'm only a year in. But my brother has said all that you've said - get signed off, reset, health is more important, and I can maybe go back to work after a few years.

Maybe get signed off for a few weeks OP - whilst you make a plan? Don’t feel bad, your health is your priority. You don’t want to burn out even more. It’s hard to come back from that.

FraterculaArctica · 01/10/2025 17:12

I would just be wary of thinking it will be easier to get back to work when DC are at school. I just about coped working with 3DC when they were tiny. Now we have 2 in primary and one in secondary. The amount of extra curricular activities they do, the length of the school holidays, the need to do homework every day with 3x children... I am completely burnt out now, feel on the edge of a breakdown every day. Eldest is likely ADHD and cant so much as get dressed without support. Would love to be a SAHM for a bit but all the arguments about setting a good example of working and keeping pension going put me off.

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 17:10

@Delatron so sorry to hear you had cancer, I hope you're recovered now. Thank you for posting. I am a bit afraid of taking sick leave, even signed off. I had a different career before kids, and sick leave was absolutely not an option, unless you were like not able to leave the bathroom sick. And this is a new sector and new job for me, I'm only a year in. But my brother has said all that you've said - get signed off, reset, health is more important, and I can maybe go back to work after a few years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 17:04

@QuiltPlantCandle DH definitely wouldn't begrudge me money for spending on myself,but I might struggle to do that if that makes sense?

But yes, I don't want to miss the sport days and assemblies and all that - no one ever came to those things for me, and I would so much prefer my kids have someone there for them.

OP posts:
Delatron · 01/10/2025 16:15

You could speak to a doctor and due to the PTSD they could well advise some time off. Then you would have been officially signed off.

Though if you feel that would stress you out more then taking a career break might be the best option.

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 16:09

MuggleMe · 01/10/2025 15:04

If you're being strategic, I'd wait until August and see how you feel with a cleaner, possibly premade meals like stocked and other time/energy saving options, but if you're really struggling to spin all the plates right now and feeling the effects of PTSD, is what you actually need some time off sick? You're sounding quite burnt out.

My brother has also suggested sick leave. But I worry it would feel dishonest because I am able to function mostly. I've pretty much only ever taken sick leave when I'm vomiting! He said I should, but I know he wouldn't. He just has double standards 😂

OP posts:
Mischance · 01/10/2025 15:27

Just do it. It will make life easier for everyone, so less stress.
Your OH feels work stress ... that won't change whether you are working or not.
What will change is that you will be less stressed and better able to make home a peaceful place for ALL of you.

It is so bad for children to be growing up in a whirlpool of rushing about and tension.
Take the time out and cross the employment bridge when you get to it.
As others have said, they have used any spare time to develop their skills ready for a return to work.
I took 5 years out and rejoined work with no trouble at all. We had a calm home life.