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AIBU?

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Original poster

To quit work and be SAHM

220 replies

Blueyrocks · 01/10/2025 09:30

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

OP posts:
Mischance · 04/10/2025 06:50

I can't understand why you are agonising over this. It is a no-brainer and an opportunity that many would jump at.

Imagine the smooth running family life that is within your grasp .... everyone would benefit.

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 03/10/2025 16:35

@Coffeetime25 I do understand the concerns you're raising, but although my DH isn't perfect, he is incapable of being tight with money. He's more keen on me SAH than I am tbh, and has always been even frustrated that I don't spend more money on myself, and that I didn't always use the joint account for stuff for the kids. I just don't see that being an issue. More of an issue though is whether I'd be comfortable spending any money on myself without earning.

And I'm not remotely independent, even with a job. I couldn't possibly afford the life I have, without DH. I would have to stay with my brother if marriage ended, until I got a better job, even if I didn't give up work now.

DH and I do need to look at exact numbers. ATM we're just conscious that my salary effectively covers childcare, and a few hundred quid extra which we're sure isn't going on anything essential. It's covering the other costs associated with two working parents, plus a bit left over, I think.

And we would need to get life and critical illness insurance for him.

But oh my, the time we'd have. We've always felt more time poor than cash poor. But maybe that's the innocence of never really being cash poor....

OP posts:
justasking111 · 03/10/2025 12:20

Needmorelego · 03/10/2025 09:15

What's the point of having money if a person's life is so stressed and is causing them health issues?
A person isn't independent if they are tied to a job.
(The OP has £400,000 in a pension fund)

Show quote history

That's a good slice already. I'd definitely take the break. My friend NHS 30 years pension. Quit at 55. Took a break. Set up a self employed business has been building up a second private pension. She'll cut back or employ someone if she wants to go part time.

Mischance · 03/10/2025 11:36

Coffeetime25 · 03/10/2025 09:01

keep job have your own money and independence
leave job and rely on your partner for every penny and maybe get an allowance or pocket money if your lucky and also rely on him for your independence
yeah keep the job

Well that all only applies if you are married to a nitwit. Thankfully it looks as though the OP has a decent partner with whom she works as a team.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/10/2025 09:16

If you can easily afford it, your DH is supportive and you feel it would benefit your family then absolutely why not?

Needmorelego · 03/10/2025 09:15

Coffeetime25 · 03/10/2025 09:01

keep job have your own money and independence
leave job and rely on your partner for every penny and maybe get an allowance or pocket money if your lucky and also rely on him for your independence
yeah keep the job

What's the point of having money if a person's life is so stressed and is causing them health issues?
A person isn't independent if they are tied to a job.
(The OP has £400,000 in a pension fund)

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 03/10/2025 09:11

Go for it. You can be replaced at work, you can't be replaced at home. Your kids will love you for it.

dijonketchup · 03/10/2025 09:08

Quit if you want, it’s your life.

But do consider how much harder it will be getting back into work after a few years at home, if that’s what you want to do. And consider what sort of jobs you would be able to get if you suddenly had to start working again a few years from now, if your DH was ill for example.

I understand it would be easier in the short term, I really do. But it’s not as easy to get those quite nice part time office jobs as it used to be, it’s tough at the moment.

Coffeetime25 · 03/10/2025 09:01

keep job have your own money and independence
leave job and rely on your partner for every penny and maybe get an allowance or pocket money if your lucky and also rely on him for your independence
yeah keep the job

Mischance · 03/10/2025 08:37

Blueyrocks · 02/10/2025 21:18

@Hobbitfeet32 this would have a far bigger impact on family finances than me dropping a day, short and long term.

Plus, I may be wrong, but I feel, especially after some of the posts here, that the SAHM thing could, partly, be a healing thing for me. I didn't get a lot of care as a child, and devoting myself to building a calm, healthy family life for my kids (and myself) seems like peace and closure from a very chaotic childhood.

What I mean is, maybe I misunderstood the problem when I first posted, and the overwhelm is deeper than just 3 kids and 2 jobs.

Creating a calm healthy life for your children ... indeed all of you ... is a laudable goal. Grab it!

Seamoss · 02/10/2025 21:22

My very best wishes to you whatever you choose. I hope your health improves in spades 🩷

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 02/10/2025 21:18

@Hobbitfeet32 this would have a far bigger impact on family finances than me dropping a day, short and long term.

Plus, I may be wrong, but I feel, especially after some of the posts here, that the SAHM thing could, partly, be a healing thing for me. I didn't get a lot of care as a child, and devoting myself to building a calm, healthy family life for my kids (and myself) seems like peace and closure from a very chaotic childhood.

What I mean is, maybe I misunderstood the problem when I first posted, and the overwhelm is deeper than just 3 kids and 2 jobs.

OP posts:
Hobbitfeet32 · 02/10/2025 21:13

I would ask husband to drop a day. This would make family life easier but means you don’t have to sacrifice your earning potential

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 02/10/2025 21:11

Thanks so much everyone - this has been so helpful. No decision yet, but I feel much more aware of the factors I need to consider, and also of what's really going on with me

@Mischance @Delatron @Seamoss @Om83 thank you for your posts - I really do think they've woken me up a bit to the big issue in the corner beside this debate I've been having with myself about SAHM or not. The PTSD is a big problem - another flashback this evening, it's multiple times a week at the moment. I feel exhausted by it, and it can wreck me for days sometimes. No wonder my kids sometimes eat instant noodles 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueyrocks · 02/10/2025 21:00

@BingaBongBoom haha, I was one of the beneficiaries of someone's else's pension, who died in their mid-60s, before they even retired. I don't recommend the devastating bereavement, but I am so grateful for the financial security. He wanted it put in a pension for me (my younger brother got the same).

OP posts:
Notdanishsusan · 02/10/2025 20:30

UnhappyHobbit · 02/10/2025 19:34

Why would this OP have the same with the work experience she has as an office worker?

Show quote history

The post I’m referencing was also an office worker but couldn’t get any office or admin work having been out of the workforce. And was sad that she’s had to take on cleaning work.

BingaBongBoom · 02/10/2025 19:46

I have nothing useful to offer but just want to know how you got your pension pot to where it is without being a higher earner! Asking for a friend 😉

UnhappyHobbit · 02/10/2025 19:34

Notdanishsusan · 01/10/2025 09:34

There’s another thread about an OP who is sad that after being a sahp she’s now becoming a cleaner because she has so few options.

You see daily threads of women who’s marriages have broken down and they’re financially dependent.

I’d consider what five years’ time looks like, when you have more time but less money. And even longer term - retirement?

Why would this OP have the same with the work experience she has as an office worker?

QuiltPlantCandle · 02/10/2025 19:28

FraterculaArctica · 01/10/2025 17:12

I would just be wary of thinking it will be easier to get back to work when DC are at school. I just about coped working with 3DC when they were tiny. Now we have 2 in primary and one in secondary. The amount of extra curricular activities they do, the length of the school holidays, the need to do homework every day with 3x children... I am completely burnt out now, feel on the edge of a breakdown every day. Eldest is likely ADHD and cant so much as get dressed without support. Would love to be a SAHM for a bit but all the arguments about setting a good example of working and keeping pension going put me off.

Yes! It's so much easier being a working parent when the kids are preschool age than it is when they are in school!

Mischance · 02/10/2025 11:24

HeyThereDelila · 02/10/2025 10:27

It’s really hard now, but cling on. You’ve done brilliantly to keep working with three kids. Maybe drop another day. Better to retain your toe hold in the labour market and - crucially - your pension.

If you do decide to give up work make sure DH puts £500 at least a month in a private pension for you.

She's got her pension sorted! -

Life is not just about clinging on n- it is about quality. Why would anyone want to bring up their chidlren in an unsatisfactory "clinging on" situation when it can be done in a more relaxed manner with some slack in the system?

smallsilvercloud · 02/10/2025 10:31

I’ve been both extremes, Sahm and a divorced full time working mum, I’m still glad I had the early years at home with the kids, I didn’t regret it, I got divorced as the kids got older and managed part time, then full time, things have a way of working out even if the worst happens, just do what you need to do for now, you can go back to work later.

HeyThereDelila · 02/10/2025 10:27

It’s really hard now, but cling on. You’ve done brilliantly to keep working with three kids. Maybe drop another day. Better to retain your toe hold in the labour market and - crucially - your pension.

If you do decide to give up work make sure DH puts £500 at least a month in a private pension for you.

Mischance · 02/10/2025 10:22

I just want to be hanging out with my baby, weeding the garden, sorting laundry, preparing a healthy dinner for my family.

Then DO IT !!!! Just FGS do it!

You speak as though these tasks are secondary - they are not. Caring for a family is a fundamental and vital task and if you enjoy doing it then just DO it!

You and your husband are a team and each of your contributions to earning money and keeping the home together will fluctuate over time and depending on the ages of the children - neither task is more important than the other. Earning money is one of the tasks and your OH is happy to take that one on for the time being while the children are small; and you are happy to take on the other side of things. Everyone will benefit from you being less stressed.

What is stopping you? Are you worried about what others might think? - then don't - just don't! Just stop it!

You get just one stab at this parenting lark so do what is right for your family.

I find it deeply depressing that people make their plans on the basis of possible marital breakdown and single parenthood - you are a team and it sounds as though you are a good one. Build on that for the benefit of all of you.

JUST DO IT !!!!!

Original poster
Blueyrocks · 02/10/2025 09:06

@Om83 thank you for this lovely post. I'm not sure we have come to a conscious decision tbh, just continuing to do nothing, which isn't really enough... Except maybe the sick leave though I'm not sure I quite believe myself when I say I'll think about it!!

I used to have a real wise old woman in my life and I know exactly what she would say.

And I'm at work now (waiting on my dying laptop to cooperate, which is why I'm also posting on Mumsnet), and yeah, I just want to be hanging out with my baby, weeding the garden, sorting laundry, preparing a healthy dinner for my family. Instead I'm doing a data gathering thing, and not even earning money for it!!

OP posts:
Delatron · 02/10/2025 09:05

I think what comes across in your posts OP is always putting other people first and worrying what others think. You’re worried about going off sick. You don’t want to let your colleagues down, your brother wouldn’t do this.

Really try to put yourself and your health first. It’s the most important thing. Good luck.