DS hating UK uni and feeling guilty for encouraging him to go

It'll be a huge shock, in a variety of ways.

He really does need to stick it out though, not make a decision on how he is feeling right now. His halls mates will probably be being loud and partying hard/being quiet in a room/barely being there, as their own ways of settling in. It is rare people become really good friends with the people they're initially thrown together with.

Everyone has to find their feet, find their people, throw themselves in there. I'd tell him if he really feels he won't like the course by Christmas, then look at changing courses if at all possible - however the only way to get up to speed, listening and learning in English IS to do it in English.

He should also be able to go and ask for support if he is struggling to keep up due to the language issue, he isn't totally left to sink or swim, but he will be expected to go and ask for help for himself!

Isn’t it a huge adjustment if he’s done all his schooling & lived mainly in Russia to go to a completely different country at a big enough time of transition & separation as it is? I think that’s a pretty major undertaking & maybe more your dreams for him than his own OP. I would support him wanting to return and study at home - he can travel or work in the UK surely after his studying?

I hated the whole 3 years of uni, it did not get better, I spent the whole time counting down until I finished. I was 3.5 hours (each way) away from home so at least I had the option to go home for the weekend where as your son doesn’t really have this.

My parents didn’t give me the option to leave and attend a uni closer to home the following year, if I left I’d have no where to live.

I think telling him to stick it out until Christmas is a good idea though as a lot of the time it probably does get better and at least he has an end in sight if he still hates it.

Some people do adjust with time, but then others can know very quickly when something isn’t for them and there’s little point in prolonging the proverbial agony.

I would advise supporting him rather than trying to convince him one way or the other. It is ultimately his decision.

He can manage the maths but the lectures are quite fast and he says sometimes by the time he has understood one thing the lecturer is already three slides ahead.

It is quite common for lectures to recorded so that students can watch them later at their own pace. Usually with an auto-generated transcript to enhance accessibility.

My daughter moved away to a university which was culturally very different for her and she struggled for the first few weeks.
The Christian groups were invaluable for her and provided a bit of respite from the Freshers events etc.It's a huge adjustment for them and it takes time.

This.
i was you this time last year op. Also abroad, and Dd at uni in the uk.
She was so unhappy. We said we would stick it out til Christmas and then reassess. I researched all the other options so that we had a plan B.
now she’s in year 2 and flying. Friends, chosen flatmates, involved in societies and loving it. Says she appreciates it all the more because of difficult first semester.
it’s tough for you both, but do give it a chance up to Xmas. Suggest he find international students society, politics, economics or music society, or whatever he’s interested in. It will be up and down, but even just one small social chat a day will help.

OP, you’re definitely doing the right thing by encouraging him to stick it out for longer. It’s hard, I know, and I hope he settles into student life over here

Some students in the societies will know each other already, of course. If they are second and third years, they may have been in this society together since the start of the uni.

Part time jobs can be a great way to meet people as a student because the pressure is off socially - you are there to work so you automatically have something to help you bond with other and talk about which then, given you see each regularly, helps build relationships.

Student volunteering groups are also great for the same reason - if you are working together to plan a project like building a pond in a nature reserve, you have something to talk about that can help start building a connection.

Find the line between being supportive but not being a crutch. If he is phoning you to talk extensively every night, that isn't a great sign. You want a close relationship but not a smothering one.

Economics at selective universities in the UK does tend to be quite maths intensive. As a first year, he is likely to have the opportunity to take some elective courses including potentially some outside the department. He should look at some classes in other departments and see it that is of interest.
The university will likely listen closely to any requests to switch courses to a related one - not a guarantee but in most cases, it is better for both parties to facilitate a switch sometimes.

He needs to stick it out until Christmas and then reassess.

Even for students who grew up in the UK, the first term away from home can be daunting.
You are given the impression that you will meet your best friends forever in Freshers week and life will an endless parade of socialising with your new tribe.

But for lots of students, it takes time to find their friends and their support network.

Remember, his flat mates are just people randomly allocated to share a space with him. If you picked three random people out of a street, you might not get with them all either. It doesn't make them representative of the entire student body of the university.

Term has barely started. He won't have built relationships with his course mates yet. Or with other students in any society he joins.
Friendships take time and repetition to build.

I ending making good friends with the students I worked with in a restaurant part time rather than with my flatmates in halls, who were nice enough people but just not ones who I particularly clicked with.

Feeling a bit down and lacking in confidence that this is the right place for them is totally normal for many students at this stage.

Provide support and encourage his resilience.
Don't make it about you and your feelings.

He can't "know" that this isn't the right course for him. He can't "know" that it is the right course for him. But he needs to give it enough time to make an informed choice. It's way to early for that.

Has he immersed himself in UK TV shows and radio? This will all help him with the speed and the accents. He can stick the subtitles on if it helps. The advise in a non native language is to try to think in that language- as I'm sure you're aware -easier said than done though, but that might make the difference. Also he has to ignore the daft comments and just keep communicating accent or not. Very best of luck.

This is really tricky.

I would agree with you on the benefits of exposure to a foreign system. It’s just really difficult to know when the right time is. I think only you as his parents would know him well enough to know whether he’s got what it takes to pus through, or whether he’d be better off coming home and trying again eg for a Masters programme. I do think there are downsides to coming home, too: at this age he might consider himself as having failed, which isn’t a good start to whatever he does next.

I think maybe keep an open dialogue for now. He’s so young for having left home, moved to a new place all alone, entered a new educational culture. It’s a lot. Maybe you need to take every two or three days and just keep a moving target on what might be best?

I think he should also consider reapplying to a London uni (although they’ll all be hugely competitive for economics but being an international applicant will help - they need the fees). There’ll be a bigger Russian speaking cohort plus lots of other cultural opportunities to mix outside of uni.

He’s not just moving to uni, he’s moved countries and sounds very isolated. It’s not the right place for him by the sound of it and I wouldn’t give it much longer as it sounds like his mental health is being affected. He may also feel the burden of your expectations and the financial commitment to make it work. It’s a lot of pressure.

Personally I never found my people, I did economics in the 1970’s but it’s become very maths heavy nowadays and I preferred the more narrative approach of A level.

I would seriously think about supporting him to reapply elsewhere.

My husband’s from Yorkshire and my son now lives there, but I’m sorry to say people there are a bit parochial. Maybe London would have been better?

The teasing about his accent was not nasty, more like they repeat words back in a funny voice and laugh.

Well, I suppose you’d have to have been there, but that sounds quite nasty to me… No wonder he’s feeling uncomfortable.

Yes. It’s an open discussion. You replied to my post that was directed at @BoredZelda. As I mentioned above. Which was followed by you denying that you had done that. I am simply pointing out that you did!

oh im sorry, i thought this was an openn discussion! You seem to be v bitter that you had to stay in a job you hated., this is nothing to do with jobs, its uni............

No. Look back at the thread. BoredZelda wrote a long post that started ‘In practice it’s quite easy’. I replied to her ‘Did you find a new and much more enjoyable job right away’ (a question that still hasn’t been answered). That was a question to her. Then you replied to me ‘what ?! Life is too short, dont be unhapy, change’. Which, obviously, didn’t answer what I was asking her.

but this isnt a job, its uni so very different! Not unusual to chop and change a bit, yes give it more time, but if not right, take a year out, work, whilst having an application through Ucas for another uni that may be better suited

I just don’t always think it’s a question of bravery. I’ve stayed in jobs I didn’t like because I wasn’t immediately finding a better job and I couldn’t afford to just be unemployed. As I would have had nowhere to live and nothing to eat. I didn’t enjoy the job and it was pretty miserable but in the long term it did give me skills and experience that eventually allowed me to get to something much better. Was staying the right thing to do? I don’t know, but I didn’t really feel I had much choice. Most people can’t afford to just be unemployed every time they’re not enjoying a job.

My eldest had just started uni, feeling out of place and unsettled is perfectly normal.

I would say he needs to give it a bit more time but also help himself a bit more by joining more clubs or going to lots of events basically faking it until he makes it.

Even if he doesn't feel like it he needs to go do different social things. Also just because others know each other doesn't mean they don't want to get to know him or that he isn't welcome.

If he's feeling really low he must go see someone in pastoral and hey some support they will be experienced in this.

It's hard but sometimes things are, I'm a great believer that new experiences are worth it even if they sometimes get a bit uncomfortable or hard. Even if he drops out later on heel still have gained something from this.

no, look back at your own posts

Well yeah because you replied to my post that was directed at @BoredZelda!

plus you directed your post at me

Oh ok.
Sometimes you have to walk away after a few weeks, life isnt as simple as walking towards something , in fact walking away from something that makes you unhappy is incredibly brave, then you can start walking towards the right thing.