DS hating UK uni and feeling guilty for encouraging him to go

Were you born yesterday? The 'massive majority' is a farce - no one believes it - the election was rigged. Dictators always report massive majorities. There is no free press in Russia.

Kid has gone to uni in the UK, presumably to avoid the draft so we can assume he's not out killing Ukranians.

You may also have noticed people who protest against Putin in Russia get dead very quickly. I'm not so sure you would take such risks. I know I wouldn't. I'd probably... I dunno... send my kids abroad or something? In that situation?

Another message to say how difficult both the culture shock, being young and going to Uni is!
I would tell him to keep doing his best with the course but ultimately not to worry about the academics too much. Speak to the tutors, use this year to consolidate his English and get used to university life. The slides from lectures might be available online, he could ask to record lectures as well-possibly get an tutor to go over them with him once a week. Even if his academic results are not the greatest this year, it will help whatever he decides to do next year.
But rather than go home and waste a year, ‘waste the year’ by trying to enjoy life in the UK.
Good luck.

It took my daughter until Christmas to settle in her first year. She's now in her last year and loves it, it just takes time I wouldn't let him throw in the towel just yet :)

My DH came to the UK nearly 20 years ago speaking Russian and started off in Leeds. He was very much like your DS: his English was pretty good, yet he couldn't understand a word people were saying and they were not particularly geared up for foreign accents. His social life didn't get off the ground until he moved to Bristol, where he could finally relax knowing he could speak without people saying "Eh? What?" By the time I met him there, his English was so good that I often forgot it wasn't his first language.

We had a mutual friend from Leeds, and DH once asked me to answer a call from him because he wouldn't be able to understand it! I thought he was joking, but took the call and to my surprise I found it hard to follow, too -- very fast talking!

Not sure what to advise, OP, I do feel for your DS. It is true that it takes a while to settle in to such a new environment, but the odds do seem to be stacked against him.

Socially, he could make a joke of his predicament (as DH did) and play it as Niko from GTA, lured to New York by false promises and appalled by his new surroundings:

But ultimately, this might not be the best place for him. It is worth agreeing on a timespan to see what changes, and then rethink if necessary.

Best of luck with this OP 💗

@Bumblebee72 the Russian people didn't vote for Putin (unlike the Americans and Trump). He's a dictator. The Russian people are victims too.

Wow the one hour lecture for 5 hours reading - I really wish someone had explained it to me like that back in the day! I felt so thick in my first year!

NB that's pretty much what I ended up doing but I thought I was catching up because I was stupid.

Very good point - there is a thriving Russian ex-pat community in London and he'd likely find more active Russian-language societies etc. Maybe an inter-UK move could be an option.

You need to separate different things going on:

• academics - the university learning is very different from school one, especially from a typical Russian school/University. In fact, you are not supposed to get the lecture after hearing it for the first time. The ratio is usually 1 lecture (in effect guidance what to study) plus 5 hours of independent studies through textbooks just to really get it. This is normal not ti understand a lecture straight away; if one does, then they chose a wrong university for their abilities.

• being an international student. It is tough, especially in the universities where there are not that many international students. Might be worth exploring Eastern European societies around. Does he want to stay in the UK afterwards? Is he familiar with youth British culture? I bet it is quite different from a Russian one.

• normal homesickness due to starting a new university.place.

Hi OP! Fellow Russian who went to UK uni (and has been here ever since). 👋🏻

Any reason you chose the North rather than London? I don't think he would have the same problems with his accent in London as the cohort is so international (plus there are MANY Russian-speakers 😂). I think it would be madness to give up on a UK uni education to go back to Russia the way things are. He either needs to give it more time or look at transferring to a London uni.

I was same / similar situation to your son back in the day. Slightly different set of circumstances to your son but I was from a working class background and went to a posh uni, so the experience of 'everyone knows each other' and feeling from a different world does resonate. I knew within weeks it wasn't for me, and I wasn't going to find my people there.

If he's joined societies etc he's doing the right things but maybe it's not for him.

My parents made me stay until the end of the year so I could do a transfer and start second year at a different university, as we just couldn't afford an extra year of uni as a family which would have been required if I'd dropped out halfway thereby forfeiting that years' fees.

It was an utterly miserable year but in retrospect I learned a lot. The academic challenge made me hone skills which have served me well in the following decades, and the lack of a social life allowed me to devote myself more to my studies. I finished my degree at another uni and had a much happier time, then went into the world of work and had the happiest time of all. For many uni isn't a highlight but a means to an end.

So in summary I'd ask him to finish a year (or a semester) and at least focus on his grades. I can only imagine how hard learning in a second language is but that is absolutely something which will get much easier with practice and give him an ease and fluency which will benefit him forever.

He needs to give it longer. My DD absolutely hated her first term at uni, I lost count of the number of middle of the night teary phone calls I had from her begging to leave. I persuaded her to give it until Xmas if she could bear it. After Xmas she decided she would go back and see how it was. This was after a teary Xmas. By February she was totally settled and loving it. She’s now in her second year and has never been happier in her life. I’m really pleased I pushed her for that bit longer, if she had left at the start she would have missed out on so much,

Honestly OP the way your son is feeling is so normal and most students will be feeling the same. I really wouldn’t encourage him to come home just yet

Firstly, can I say how sorry I am to read of your son's difficulties in his first term, and also say that he is not alone in finding himself overwhelmed by his situation. I'm one of the admins for a very active parent group on Facebook (Parents of Current & Prospective University Students in the UK - approx. 25k members, other groups are available) and can honestly say that this is not an uncommon situation in the initial few weeks when students are finding their feet and have a lot to contend with. Being away from home, their family and friends, and finding themselves on unfamiliar territory with people who are not 'their tribe' is a recurrent theme, as is unexpected course content. Please do join a group, as advice shared by other parents in the same situation or similar and the opportunity to discuss possible solutions can be incredibly helpful. There should also be a wellbeing team at the university who you can contact - with your son's permission - who may also be able to offer advice on settling in during those initial few weeks.

This is great advice!

Please grow up and take off your blinkers.

The definition of racism in case you have forgotten is as follows:

prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism by an individual, community, or institution against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular racial or ethnic group

Op hasn’t said that her son is unhappy for any reason relating to the war in Ukraine and other students’ reaction to that. Intelligent eighteen year olds obviously understand better than you that a young student starting out at uni is not responsible for the actions of Putin. For that matter, why would it occur to any reasonable person that that would be the case?

Another here to say ignore the Russia-haters. Most of us can distinguish between a government and the individuals from the country.

Actually, his experience is pretty common. My daughter is very sociable and a domestic student at uni in a city that she loved from first sight. She still really struggled for the first six weeks and talked about giving it till Christmas. By Christmas, she loved it and was very settled and happy.

It’s easy to imagine that everyone else is friends and finding it easy but they really won’t be. A lot of people will be putting on a brave face.

As a previous poster said, it is quite reasonable for your son to ask his flatmates not to tease him for his accent. As regards understanding the local accent, that will come with time. I grew up in the Midlands and live in the south and I still have to listen harder when I’m in the north-east or Scotland to start with while I get used to the accent there.

In terms of social opportunities, there are still students starting to learn Russian at university. It is a beautiful and very rich language and I myself was a student of Russian ab initio at university centuries ago and had an amazing year out in Saint Petersburg. Hopefully, the university your son is at is one of the universities that offers Russian, in which case there may well be students of Russian who would be very glad for the opportunity to practice their Russian with him and that would give him an opportunity for connection.

There will also be societies and other groups that do quieter types of socialising and activities and they might well be easier for your son to break into.

I could be reading this wrong, but it sounds a bit as if you’re speaking to him every evening. Actually, it may help to to speak a bit less often because the connection with home will continue to feel very fresh and keep being renewed every evening. When I was living in Russia, the only way we could communicate was by letters and the occasional phone call booked through the local post office. Really I think that helped because my focus and that of my fellow students was on settling into life in Russia. I’m obviously not suggesting that you simply stop speaking to him or refuse to take his calls but maybe if he is the one making the daily calls you could encourage him to cause slightly less often and reorientate his focus.

It is early days and as shown here lots struggle to adjust. Hopefully he will be fine but keep a close eye on him.

My DS dropped out of university 3 years ago after 2 weeks. He told his sister he wasn’t coping, came home for the weekend and was in such a bad state mentally it was unthinkable he could go back and the whole thing triggered severe depression that sadly doesn’t respond to drugs and he isn’t much better 3 years down the line and no closer to being able to think about going back or working.

That’s obviously extreme and DS has ASD that was undiagnosed at that point but just keep a close eye on him.

I do not condone any xenophobic behaviour, but pragmatically were I in OP's position I'd be loathe to send my son to a UK university at the moment.
The UK is very much on the side of Ukraine, Russia is seen as an aggressor and there are large numbers of accusations and reports of Russian spying and interference In UK politics and on social media.
To be clear I am obviously not suggesting that OP's son is a spy or a tool of the Russian state, but there will be many people who might think that he is, and there are likely to be fellow students who will behave differently around him based on his background.
As an aside my son is studying in Estonia at the moment (and loving it). Russian and Belarusian students have recently been banned from studying there.

He should be able to watch lectures again they are usually recorded. If he needs help academically there may be support re study skills or extra maths. I’d definitely encourage him to access international students events.
The quieter flatmate sounds a possible friend.
Part of uni is learning to live with different people from different backgrounds and countries.

I think this is good advice for an older, independent adult with a bit of life experience under their belt who knows themselves, what they are good at, and what they want in life. After you have worked in a few jobs it is possible to make confident decisions like this very quickly.

But it’s not applicable in the same way to an eighteen-year-old who may never have lived away from home before, is very young and unsettled by his new environment, who doesn’t really know what to expect, has academic worries related to language, and on top of that is suffering from culture shock.

In the latter circumstances, it’s perfectly natural to feel miserable at first and take your time to find your feet. And it’s perfectly reasonable as a parent to encourage them to try and stick it out for a bit, while they assimilate. Feeling uncomfortable is not always a bad thing! We have to
exp discomfort sometimes in order to grow and develop competence and independence.

This is bad advice. He needs to check the fee cut off at his specific university. It was 5 weeks at my old university.

Please be kind

And the accent thing? My daughter is English but went to a uni very "up north" (Lancaster) and she was gently teased a lot for having a southern accent.

She just laughed it off - there was no malice intended and it is just the UK sense of humour in most cases.

Sorry to hear that your son is struggling, that is very common in the first few weeks of uni even for students who are living in England before uni starts.

Things will probably improve as the term goes on - the social side calms down a bit and people concentrate on their course and course mates more.

Having said that, an unhappy teenager shouldn't be left to feel there is no escape route. I would be advising him to give it until Christmas say - or at least until the end of October - & if he still feels unhappy then, to drop out of the course, come home and reapply to a different uni starting September 2026.

Can I offer a slightly different perspective?

I went to University and hated it. The people were nice enough - though I didn't really bond with anyone - but I really disliked the courses I was on. Not what I expected at all. My parents asked me to stick it out till Christmas, which I did - but I left in February.

My parents were supportive but clear. 'If you leave, you've got to get a job." Fair enough. I did. I was fortunate to get a job in the industry that my subject would have led to anyway. I felt I had three years' head start on life.

And, forty-five years later, I've been successful in my career, despite not having a degree.

If you're expecting to go into a profession for which a degree is essential - medicine, engineering, that kind of thing - then you've absolutely got to persevere. But if you're looking at the arts, anything creative, most Humanities, then experience in the job is as important as a qualification. So there's not much to be gained by being unhappy for three years.

I think the question I asked myself back then was 'what am I at university for?' And if the answer to that is 'because only a degree will lead me to the life I want', then you have to stay. But if that's not the answer, there may be other ways forward.

He’s an international student and should access the support and activities for them. There’s far more than clubbing, if you follow uni social media you can nudge him towards suitable activities. Encourage him to go, everyone doesn’t know everyone.