DS hating UK uni and feeling guilty for encouraging him to go

I'm guessing Yorkshire or Newcastle, a lot of British people struggle with the accents. I have been told I sound like a machine gun to non native speakers.

Two weeks isn't long.

As a PP said there will be a counselling service, he won't be the only one walking around with a smile and crumbling inside. Counselling is as much a resource as the library.

Speaking of the library most unis have short courses on study skills which he might find useful.

I'd suggest going back to the societies and fake being more outgoing if he can. Most societies will have some form of contact, usually an email, he could contact them and ask for someone to meet him before the next meeting.

Can he cook? I find cooking will bring people out of their rooms (I never did halls but lived in hospital accommodation which is similar) maybe invite his flatmates to a Russian meal or just a single dish.

He will have a personal tutor, they are not just there for academics but to talk to about the course.

I think the big thing about uni is you have to seek out help, no one is checking up on you.

Would he consider you being in the loop with tutors? Under data protection the uni can't talk to you about him unless he gives permission.

Is there any way he could ask around for contact with other Russian speakers? I know there might not be any but you never know. Maybe start a society.

Oh the teasing about the way he says things, let him know we do this with each other as quite normal when the accent is different and it is perfectly OK for him to do it back.

Is he coming home for Christmas? I know Russian and UK Xmas are about a week apart. Give him a list of things you would like him to bring home. Maybe stagger things so it's once a week he will have to go out and do some shopping.

Sorry he is not enjoying it but there is time.

Nobody at university is at risk of conscription - you can defer army year until after you finish university. Education in the UK has always been considered very prestigious and there is absolutely nothing strange about this boy going to uni in the UK. The only unusual part I would say is choosing a uni in the North.

He needs to meet the other international students. There will be loads of them and he will have so much more in common with them than with the Brits who just want to go out drinking. There will be an international office at the university who may be organising get togethers. What he’s experiencing now is absolutely to be expected, and it will get better if he sticks it out.

https://www.ucas.com/international/international-students/support-for-international-students/five-support-organisations-that-help-international-students

I used to work with international students and always remember a speech given by a young man from India who did an undergraduate degree in Wales, about how scared and confused he was by everything at first, all the food was unfamiliar, the customs were different and he didn’t want to speak to anyone at all because he sounded so different to everyone else. He ended up loving it and staying on at the same uni for a PhD and became an international student ambassador. It can be very empowering to stick with something that’s tough and get to a stage where it’s better.

Yeah I think there should be some honesty here.

I also wonder if the kids around him aren't able to process him being Russian and being in the UK considering what is going on in the Ukraine. I'm not saying it's right, but they could feel that way especially if he is avoiding conscription.

Does your son want to go to uni in Russia?

It is a big culture shock and he well may experience negativity for him being from russia - it is not Putin personally fighting or dropping bombs, it is russian people doing these things and killing other people. Also, other eastern europeans, with whom he would previously have shared cultural outlook, might not be as willing to accept him, especially if he is ambivalent or "not into politics, as russians say", etc. Mostly, when people get to know him and his views, this will ease.
Many students struggle in the first term, but ask him that - would he be happier to live in russia now, knowing how things are, how you can't speak freely, how you are expected to support all that "patriotic" bullshit over there, studying with people and learning from people who (in significant majority) do support the war and are very anti- west? Clearly if your family lives there, you are happy for your taxes to be used to finance the war effort, so he might as well be too and might feel comfortable at moscow uni.
There is plenty of excellent advice and personal experience on this thread from various posters, but unfortunately politics does come into this and can't be ignored.
I hope he settles eventually and will enjoy the course.

I think your analysis needs to think more about the globalist perspective, but I don't think it would be fair to derail the thread.

Well we could well end up at war.

Because our leaders have dithered and been incredibly weak about russia.

I don’t hold myself out as a russia expert, but my understanding was they were happily conscripting foreigners.

Still, I guess if the OP feels happy then that has to be taken at face value. I’m sure you can avoid it if you have money.

Personally if I could avoid living under a dictatorship I would, but the whole family have clearly taken a decision to live there so 🤷‍♀️

I would advise the DS to stay in the UK if he possibly can!

Great uni!

Might he be on the receiving end of negativity for being Russian? The Ukraine invasion especially affected how young people see Russia and there may be some suspicion towards him.

It's been two weeks. His brain is rewiring a huge amount of new info. Location, climate, language, accents, people, workload - it is a LOT. Especially as winter is coming which can drag mood down.

I went to uni about 90 minutes' journey from home - and hated it ALL to begin with. Because everything was .... Other. Different. And for an 18 year old (as in still developing) brain, it was hard.

My advice to him:

Get out there.

Everyone else is feeling exactly the same as you are, especially those in your year. Look at and think about them in that way, have compassion and sympathy for them as well as feeling sorry for yourself.

Join ... EVERYTHING. I did theatre and film stuff.

Be active - there'll probably be a gym, sports teams, fitness classes.

Join foreign students' groups to find people you can relate to.

Eat properly. You're being sensible about the drinking.

Throw yourself into the classes, seminars, tutorials, assignments, presentations.

Be friendly and chatty - it will help you practice listening, understanding and speaking as well as help you integrate and fit in, and the shyest ones will be grateful.

The academic workload and cultural pressures - speak to your tutors, head of year, pastoral team, student mentors. Be open and mature about how you're feeling and why, and ask for their help and support.

Hi, I'm xx - I don't think we've met yet.
Where are you from?
How are you finding the course?
I'm finding x a bit of a challenge - do you have any tips?

Which University is he at? Some universities have a lot more "international" students than others, but there will likely be Societies for "international" students or maybe even a "Russia Soc", though I don't know if the war may have reduced numbers. There will likely be an International Students Office too who could signpost him to other support networks.

Agree he should continue with the sport, it may take a while to make friends - though do be aware some sports socs are very heavily linked to drinking socials.

What other hobbies or interests did he have at home? Music or volunteering or gaming may well open up some other non-drinking social avenues.

Do encourage him to stick with it until Christmas.

I remember feeling similar "fish out of water" when joining a UK uni from abroad despite being British! He definitely needs more time to find his group of people, there are more options out there! Most activities/ societies / groups have a few trial sessions before they ask you to commit so I would encourage him to try as many as he can: all first years are in the same boat and he will meet lots of new people trying activies. I remember trying trampolining: never stuck with the activity but found a great group of people! A family member is still in touch with his D&D society from playing together at uni! I would say give it until Christmas and review, then it might seem more achievable

I understand the language issue.

but apart from that… would going to a different uni change anything? If yes: Why? People might still already know each other. He might not click with his house mates, the classes might be difficult etc.

These are completely normal issues students are expected to overcome. It may be difficult and unpleasant. But it may still be worthwhile and yes, even „character building“.

I definitely agree with those people suggesting the international student union.

I hate to tell you both this but conscription is a very real possibility in the west too unless public opinion rises up and says no. Some countries in Europe are already asking their hospitals to be read for as early as next year for a war time situation. Studying in a different country unlikely to make any difference.

I hope that public opinion rises up and stops the madness. It really is a grim situation.

FWIW, OP, I did Russian as a degree and had a year abroad. (Split because it was the Cold War and couldn't get a year in the one place.)

I was monolingual, of course, and it wasn't until I'd been in Moscow for more than three months that my ear tuned in. Later, I was in Leningrad and it was a much more positive experience because my Russian was more up to speed.

Given that your son is bilingual, he should catch up much sooner.

I hated it at first and then grew to love it. I went to a northern uni but came from London and felt exactly the same as your dc even though it was London not Russia! Could not have been more different, different social rules, couldn't understand what people were saying at times. They mocked in a "nice" but initially quite othering way the fact that I was from the south. I had had a completely different upbringing from everyone around me. I had gone through a partying stage between 14 and 16 (!) and found the insane partying in freshers' week to be really annoying, and I sounded very posh which people commented on. All this will be even worse for someone from a completely different country.

It changed for me when I started going out with someone from Doncaster (Yorkshire, north, very strong accent, a lot of local words) who basically interpreted everything for me (as though I came from Russia) and to some extent I decided that I was going to be happier if I gave in and let my hair down a bit. I even picked up a mild northern accent.

There are going to be people who would love to meet your dc as he is though, too, they just might not be as visible right now, so giving it a bit of time on the basis that he will meet other types of people as time goes on is worth it.

Within a fairly short space of time your dc's ear will tune in. If the course is more than expected, if he just focuses on that for a short time to make sure he gets to grips with it, with the belief that socially things will work out, then that might work too.

The key things for his decision, though, is does he know where his future will be - Russia or the west? And will the degree from where he is be better or worse than in Russia? And how will Russia look on his UK qualifications if he wants to return there?

Many people don't make best friends of their flatmates; they find their friends elsewhere. It is a shame they are being less than thoughtful, though. I do think joining a society where you are actively doing something is a good idea eg hiking/sport/film etc. One of my friend's DS was utterly miserable for the first term, and she was all ready for him to come back home at Christmas. He is now starting his second year.

Definitely contact Student Services. You can do it on his behalf if you need to. They are used to all sorts of situations, and may well be able to help.
Does he like the course he is on? it is always possible to switch to something else if he is finding it isn't what he likes, especially in the first term. He can go and talk to his tutor if he is finding some aspects of his course difficult; it is better to do this sooner rather than later.
It must be very difficult when you are so far away.

I’m from the UK but even I struggled in my first year of uni. You are placed in a flat with people you don’t know and don’t necessarily have anything in common with. I got on with my flatmates but we were very different and they went out drinking and taking drugs.

I decided that wasn’t for me and joined a uni sports club. I went on my own. I know he says they will already know each other but I can guarantee they don’t. And even so, by being part of something they have a mutual interest in, he will make friends. I met by best friends at the club, moved in with them the following year and then even met my future husband through that.

It will take time but with only 2 weeks in he still has plenty of time to make friends. If he is happy to then he needs to stick it out with the sports/societies. By my second year of uni I was much happier and settled.

However, if he is really unhappy (depressed) then let him come home. He can think through what he really wants and then apply to a different uni in the UK or in his country of residence. Uni doesn’t always work out for people and that’s ok.

British boy born in the UK raised in Russia. Its all in her OP.

I know someone like this who grew up abroad and who I met at uni in UK.

He struggled so much with sharing a common language, but not a sense of humour / cultural reference base, etc. Not realising when joking/pisstaking was normally friendly, or just mean.

What helped was finding groups with a shared interest, climbing or sport or something, and also other internationals. There’s specific support for international students, lots of them are housed together and have extra social events or local visits, et cetera. People from all over the world will be complaining about British students’ drinking culture and sense of humour together. Your DS might miss out on being offered this kind of support if enrolled as a standard UK student, but it should still be accessible.

Also buy your son a book so he can start to understand his identity as a third culture kid. It’s possible he will have the same issues elsewhere.

edited to add: talk to him about longer term goals. Is living in the UK/ getting UK work placements relevant to his career plans? Help him focus on the big picture, not just his social life.

Sorry I know this isn’t the point of your post but how on earth is he not at risk of conscription?

Plenty of good advice already (ignoring the derailers). I work at a northern university and our lectures are recorded, slides are online too.

I was a homesick international student in the UK, several decades ago. I felt similarly lost and suffered from culture shock despite thinking I had a good understanding of British culture from having read and studied a lot growing up. It was particularly difficult to socialise and make friends when it seemed all my fellow freshers were getting horrendously drunk and/or high. I found the accents and colloquialisms hard to follow, and in return some people couldn't understand mine. And back then, in the infancy of the WWW, I couldn't just call or message my parents/friends back home for support. I can't remember when I eventually really settled in, but somehow it happened - made amazing friends from all over the world, enjoyed my degree so much and ended up staying.

I'd say your son needs to stick it out for at least a couple of terms not least because the first few weeks are nothing like the rest of the time, even for UK students - everybody is acting like they're not themselves, when they're freshers, I see it every year. He could try joining a couple of less rowdy clubs and (painful and embarrassing though it may seem) converse regularly with British students/lecturers, even if just small talk - that's how to get your ear in.

Yep. We have family still living in Russia. They all hate Putin and what he's been doing in Ukraine of course, no one believes what they hear on the Russian news, try to read foreign press only, but when you're living in a KGB/FSB-controlled state it's not easy to stand up and do something meaningful about it and it's bloody dangerous!

I am pretty certain that many many students are feeling the same as him right now and putting a brave face on things. He needs to give it a term, it's too soon to decide if this is right for him or not.

My old flatmate at uni came from France and couldn't speak a single word of English when she arrived, sat there with a book and translated what she needed to say. But the language didn't stop her one bit, she was so bubbly! She went to English lessons on top of her course and was fluent and dreaming in English within the year and she loved learning the idioms and slang - by the way, I went to uni in Edinburgh so there's an accent for you.

We also had Danish and Norwegian students in the hall opposite, so we'd play word games as they all said it helped, and bonded over that. We also had a Belgian girl in my halls (6 rooms per apartment) and she never really fitted in. She was nice enough but wasn't really interested in the rest of us, perhaps we were intimidating, we always invited her to join, but I think it's just down to personalities.

He just needs to find his people and they may not be the ones he is in student halls with. International student clubs is a great idea made by others, they can get together, talk and swap notes how it is to be the UK! I just hope he gives it a bit longer before he decides because it could turn out to be one of the best experiences of his life.

My main tips for socialising (as the slightly geeky international student I was) are:

• Join the international student society (no one knows anyone and everyone wants to make friends)
• Join the board game society (wasn't really into boardgames, but you get automatically grouped with a few people and if the conversation doesn't flow you just play the game)
• If the course isn't working for him give it a few weeks and then see if it's possible to change his course, a lot of unis will allow this

But most of all, it takes time. It's overwhelming to move abroad, live on your own, build a new social network. Give it at least till Christmas. He'll learn lots from this, even if he doesn't continue his studies here. Don't see it as a wasted year.