My children have ruined my birthday.

@NotbloodyGivingupYet

What’s wrong with going out by oneself?

sounds way better than going out with two arguing, tantrum- throwing kids!

OP can take herself into town, browse the shops, treat herself, have a cocktail or two 🍹

the day can be all about her and what she wants to make up for the shitty day yesterday

Yes. They sound like absolute brats.

@FiatLuxAdAstra

you are so right, this all boiled down to OP wanting a drink at the pub. She sounds like a selfish alcoholic doesn’t she? Everyone knows that when you become a mother you have to stop doing frivolous stuff like going to the pub and having a glass of wine, in fact you shouldnt do anything for yourself ever again, it should all be about the kids and what they like. That’s just being a decent mother.

🙄

I dont know how that was said to you but obviously it didnt work for you.

My DH's family were and still are very close. They werent broken by learning that they were not the centre of the known universe and that sometimes their behaviour had made them unlikeable for a short while.

My own DCs have grown up knowing they are always loved but that sometimes their behaviour can mean that just a muttered 'sorry' isnt enough. They are going to have to work through a short period of time not being liked. Obviously this is done in an age appropriate way.

Home/family should not be a consequence-free space. Yes, children should be loved and feel safe but safe includes learning about there being limits and consequences.

Mature- explains your parenting advice 😅

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Do you honestly think that if OP went “oh well, never mind” , the girls would’ve instantly forgot their argument, got ready and be perfectly civil in the pub?

I think they have behaved badly yes.However I wouldnt let it spoil a birthday treat .They apologise and move on .Often they are overtired and yes a little spoilt( whose arent!) School is tiring and kids get burnt out .Try to move past it and enjoy your Birthday Weekend, They are still young .My friend says Birthdays are just another day .Try and relax and have a nice day out.

Except OP was the one that cancelled the plans and held herself to ransom, not them.

Have you ever cancelled one child’s birthday celebration because your other other child decided to have a tantrum? I imagine not, because that would be ridiculous and punish the birthday child for their sibling’s behaviour.

Yet you think the kids should get further punishments because OP for some reason decided to cancel the plans? You think the kids should witness their mother behaving like a child on their birthday, simply because her own birthday was ruined by the punishment she chose to impose on her kids.

No wonder so many people need therapy as adults to learn the emotional regulation they should have been taught as a child - when parents masquerade emotional dysfunction as discipline, it must be really damaging.

Ridiculous 'advice' from @MyDeftDuck .

As this behaviour has happened previously on Mothers Day I’d be tempted to avoid any plans for their birthdays, there’d be no parties, no sleepovers, no special events and the very moment they asked why I would throw one almighty tantrum, slam doors, kick off ……… and let them see how very silly and selfish they both are……a taste of their own medicine I guess.
Their behaviour in totally unacceptable and the longer you and DH allow it the longer it will continue. Be the parents now otherwise forever be held to ransom by these children

I allowed DS to become spoilt and behave just like this and eventually had to put my foot down and give him a lot of hard life lessons. After some particularly awful behaviour I started to make him have to earn all nice trips and gifts with good behaviour and chores.
He soon stopped acting out.
Don't let them take nice things for granted. This is the result. The adults run the show not the kids. It was a salutory lesson for me.

They didn’t start off throwing things. They started off having a physical and verbal sibling fight. Their behaviour escalated due to OP and her partners handling of the situation.

And if they haven’t learn to get their emotions under control as preschoolers whose fault is that? It doesn’t mean emotional regulation should now be ignored, it means that OP should prioritise teaching them this before they become too old to learn.

If my 8 and 10 year old had been hit/ screamed at by another child at school, I would expect them to sort it themselves. They won’t tolerate being treated by a peer like that. I think it’s unhelpful to bubble wrap kids by getting involved in every argument with their peers. If it becomes bullying rather than a one-off incident / another child’s “off” day, then that’s different.

If that means I get less the that’s by the by, I don’t make a fuss of my birthday

But don't you see that that's part of the problem @Fluffalumpper?

Part of being a parent is teaching your children that other people matter and sometimes their needs and wants come first. They need to learn that your birthday DOES deserve fuss, presents and attention. That's how they learn to appreciate other people and focus on them.

OP I’m so sorry you had a crappy birthday, I hope you can turn things around today. Honestly I think you should go do something nice today but make it clear to the DC it’s not for them it’s for you.

I didn't insert my own narrative really, I was just going with the information you gave. I still maintain that your feelings around this are mixed in with some resentment about the balance of responsibilities between you and your partner, which have absolutely nothing to do with your children and are neither their business nor their concern. Whether you are the breadwinner etc has nothing to do with this situation and I have no idea why you mentioned it at all other than, as I said, you are resentful about it. Constantly saying you don't expect much but what you do want you don't want your children to 'ruin' just feels off to me - I highly doubt they wanted to 'shit on' your plans - they acted their age and then the response from you two escalated it all in a way that took up the whole evening. When exactly was the glass thrown?

Helicopter parenting?
Everything revolving around their needs does sound extreme.
Are we raising a generation of mini emperors?

I’d actually be tempted to book a sitter and go out and enjoy myself…you do deserve nice things for yourself too, doesn’t have to be 100% about them. Might make them want to join in next time / not misbehave like that…

Belated Happy Birthday 🎂 op.

My children get a consequence for poor behaviour but we also try to help them learn to emotionally regulate and express frustration constructively.

Anger is a normal human emotion and just like any other we need as children to learn how to express it constructively in a way that doesn't hurt others.

So teach them to count to ten or say I'm walking away as I need space.

Being calm when they are losing it is really important (sometimes I even fail at that).

I vividly remember at about 10 years old having a temper tantrum and being sent to my room, I remember because I really wanted someone to help me calm down and manage my anger and wished I had been shown how.

A sibling argument on a Friday night after school is completely normal off behaviour not targeted at OPs birthday. A two hour tantrum is abnormal behaviour and a direct reflection of OPs discipline.

If OP reinforces that she doesn’t matter by cancelling the event to celebrate her just because they’ve had a sibling spat while tired on a Friday night, then they are never going to learn to put emotions aside to celebrate others. OP’s just teaching them that her life revolves around them and they are always the priority. Why couldn’t they have been told off and had expectations laid down in the car on the way to the pub?

As I’ve said upthread - OP punished herself, and they’ll have learnt that tantrums can get them out of events they’d rather not go to.

Same here. The one time DS did play up on DHs birthday he was sent to his grandparents and we still went out! He never did it again 😂

No. In my household no one is allowed to have “an off day” that involves hitting another person or throwing glass. Full stop. The time for talking about getting emotions under control and doing work on how to regulate yourself was in preschool. With the exception of some people with severe disabilities, there is no reason or excuse for a ten year old to behave in that way. If your 8 or 10 year old had been hit, screamed at and had a glass thrown by a peer at school you presumably wouldn’t be talking about having a bad day, all kids fight, minor tiffs, the impacts of puberty etc? It’s no more acceptable at home.

Of course I agree, but, I think in this instance the punishment could have still happened, but maybe delayed till the day after, in regards to the OP being able to go out and get a glass of wine for her birthday. Not ideal but now OP is feeling shit and had a crap day

She’s 43 not 63 😆