My children have ruined my birthday.

Your partner suggested you head off today and spoil yourself…. Anything planned aside from mumsnet?

Do you really not see the parallels to your mother's behaviour in your own behaviour? You "demanding" an 8 and 10 year old not have a tiff because it's my birthday. They weren't thinking about it being your birthday when they had their sibling tiff, these things just happen. You are making their behaviour all about you.

Where did OP say that??

Imo you are being completely unreasonable. OP did not have unreasonably high expectations but her children behaved badly (fair enough if they stopped when told) and carried on behaving badly for two hours. If you think it’s "self-centred" to expect an 8 and 10-year-old (presumably with no SN) to have enough self-control to not be selfish enough to do that and spoil someone else's very low-key birthday celebration, your own expectations of your children’s behaviour must be rock-bottom and you must behave like a doormat.

That combination has led you to a point where the barest of bare minimums now feels like a big win. You deserve FAR more than "not actively violent". You should be celebrated and loved and appreciated.

Set out your expectations now and don't accept such miserly, mean and selfish behaviour in future. The children are old enough to understand and their father is certainly able to get his act together and make sure it happens.

I wish you a very happy belated birthday and that you have soft restful sleep and calm days ahead.

Now you’re just making things up! They were told to calm down but it was after she started to throwing things we cancelled the plans. You may think lobbing glass objects is ok but it’s not in my book and doesn’t warrant a treat (which is what going to the pub would have been for them as they love it).

I mean from a young age they never did what they were asked.
Behaved badly and were never removed from a situation where their behaviour spoiled things for others.

Swiped toys from children and were not corrected.
Slapped and grabbed children and were told "gentle hands".
Kicked out and screamed at parents when it was time to leave the park after school.
Kicked up and tantrums when time to leave the party.

Mothers all gentle helpless smiles, useless father ignoring it or not around to help due to work etc.
Parents overwhelmed and afraid to sit on their children.

My children are privately educated and despite a top education, several of these children have dropped out and are still finding their way. They were all bright and well able.
They have lovely, decent, kind parents, who simply appeared unable to lay down the law that their behaviour was not acceptable.
The tough parents don't seem to have such difficulties.
None of these children would have been close friends of mine but they were in their wide circle of friends.
I am not suggesting for a minute my children haven't had their moments, tHAVE absolutely HAVE.
However, they are very aware of the line and how I as their mother am not to be trifled with.
They knew that from a very early age.
We all always knew where we stood.
Their father is definitely softer than I am, as is often the case.

It’s less of a self worth thing and more of a response to how my mother behaved. She demanded 110% for birthdays from planning big events and holidays to extravagant gifts which she was never satisfied with. It caused me a lot of anxiety and dread when the date came around.

That being said I do expect my kids to at least not kick the crap out of each and (1 of them) trash their rooms on my birthday. I don’t need extravagant gestures but some consideration from kids I know are capable of it is expected.

Ah, I was talking about the OP experiencing a tiff between siblings as ruining her birthday, and literally cancelling her own birthday plans. The OP's partner's parenting choices subsequently escalated, rather than calmed, the situation, which culminated with the 10 year old throwing a jar.

@WallTree

youre talking nonsense. The ten year old threw a glass vase. She could have done real damage. That’s not just a “tiff”. She is way too old to be behaving like that.

You forget the rest of the story where she does this entire performance in front of her kids to shame them and then eats the single person cake while they have none and watch.

Removing privileges for wholly unacceptable behaviour isn’t having a “tantrum”, it’s parenting by showing them that actions have consequences. And expecting them on any day to be able to get a jumper whilst behaving themselves is asking too much of them?

Expectations are extremely low for some of these MNers.

Eating cake to celebrate your birthday is not emotionally abusive 😂.

It sounds like these kids need a sharp reminder that the earth revolves around the sun, not them, and that others have needs and wishes as well.

@Broccolitime

do you really think it’ll take the kids that long to recognise that their behaviour was out order and that their mother is important?? I sure hope not! I’m sure they’re quicker learners than that 😀 but if not, OP does need to persevere until they get it - they’ll be much nicer people for it!

@Broccolitime

hopefully the kids are feeling remorseful and the OP is in town either on her own or with mates getting pissed on cocktails!

What’s the mood like today OP? Cut the tension being a knife?

They’ll be teens / young adults / adults and no doubt thinking “bloody hell yet another of mum’s bitter grudges that she throws at us”

I'm honestly really surprised by answers like this.

They are 8 and 10 years old. One of them is almost secondary aged. Of course they can cope with a family meal/trip out after school on a Friday night without throwing a tantrum, hitting each other and smashing things.

OP should be able to go out for a meal with her family on her birthday, not have to resort to cooking some mail delivery dinner in front of the TV.

A takeaway is an hour round drive and we just can’t be bothered after all this. My partner (their dad for the person who asked) is having toast in front of a crap film. I’ve had a long week and I’m exhausted.

We’re new to the area so don’t have a trusted babysitter yet so it’s with the kids, on my own or not at all unfortunately.

We did separate them to cool off but then the screaming and wailing started (with one little bugger throwing things in her room!) which is when plans were cancelled.

If it happens again don’t go to bed early, YOU’RE NOT THE ONE TO BE PUNISHED!

takeaway, bottle of wine and muttering under your breath to your partner that the kids are cunts

this was how I got through my 40’s 😂

@Broccolitime

i hope she does! Well at least until her kids have properly got the message that it wasn’t ok how they behaved and that their mothers birthday matters.