My children have ruined my birthday.

You're deliberately (I think) misunderstanding my position. They didn't have their initial spat "at you", did they? You described it as the two siblings fighting.

Your parenting choices escalated things to a bad point - you must admit, it was ineffective at best.

This simply wouldn't have happened in my house. We would have stopped the bad behaviour, spoken about it, had a round of apologies from the kids to each other and then moved on with our evening.

Kids will have arguments with each other, it's not all about you.

To be crystal clear, I am describing your children's initial spat as a tiff. Not the subsequent behaviour (which could obviously have been avoided with different parenting choices).

There are lots of rural areas that don't have takeaways that deliver - you have to go and collect. An hour on country lanes isn't that unusual, really.

My partner (their dad for the person who asked) is having toast in front of a crap film.

what a catch

I don’t give a hoot where you live per se 🤭

but I’m curious what arse end of nowhere haunt is an hour away from a takeaway in the UK!

I don’t in the slightest expect the op to do anything

all sounds a bit depressing tbh!

@Holler very interesting.
I would be much much closer to gentle parenting than I realised!
The biggest thing for me was "follow through".
I never made an idle threat.
I followed through.
If behaviour was stopped and corrected, their would be consequences and I always followed through.
Usually technology/tv being denied. It worked.
I only ever had to remove my very young children once each, from where they were, for them to believe me when I said something. Easy lessons, but important.
Being considerate of me was another important early lesson.
Children learn to be considerate of others through their parents first.

@Broccolitime

why are you so interested in this?? It’s the second time you’ve asked her. Do you expect OP to be all jovial and diffuse any bad atmosphere? She doesn’t have to be. It’s perfectly ok for her to be disappointed in her children for yesterday’s bad behaviour and for her to express that today. She doesn’t have to put on a big, papering over the cracks smile just to make the atmosphere nicer for everyone else.

Who is responsible for the majority of childcare, OP? You mentioned you're the main breadwinner - is your so-called DP a sahd or does he work part time and 'parent' the rest?

His suggestion that you go out and spoil yourself is pathetic. He should have planned something for you, not left it to you to figure something out.

I'd take him aside and tell him he needs to up his game for all the gift occasions from now on. And if he's the primary caregiver of the children, he needs to start doing a better job of parenting. Children are not 'inherently selfish' - not at 8 and 10. Children that age would have been very excited to plan a nice surprise for mum with their father, if he had considered it important.

Guess we will never know where this place is that’s an hour away from nearest takeaway!

What’s the atmosphere like today op?

Not really…. Got Covid and parked In front of TV

I don't really understand how this escalated to there tbh.

Kids are inherently selfish. They react on impulse so won't have even thought about the fact it's your birthday if an argument started. It doesn't make them 'bad kids'.

I don't know why you wouldn't just tell them to pack it in and carry on with your plans. The only person getting a punishment here is you - they won't give a shit in an hour or so but you will be resentful all weekend.

All seems a bit dramatic

"But the girls are old enough and intelligent enough to handle one drink in the pub without this being a deeply disturbing event."

I know OP. Some posters on MN are obsessed with routine for children. How in god's name will they ever cope with adulthood or enjoy spontaneity if everything has to be planned like a military operation six weeks in advance. Besides, life doesn't always go according to plan and children need to learn to fit in with others.

‘It’s like that Christmas advert from a few years ago when the mum does all the shopping and cooking and her shitty family don’t even let her have a proper chair at the table.’

omg that advert! And she smiles indulgently about it too 😠 gives me the absolute rage!

How could they be grandchildren given that OP is only 43! 😆

😬

First of all, happy belated birthday. I hope today is a better day for everyone.

I must admit, I’m surprised by some of the comments on this thread. A number of people have minimised the children’s behaviour, referring to it as a tiff or saying it’s normal for siblings, or excusing it by suggesting the children were tired after a week at school. I completely disagree with that. It sounds as though this was much more than bickering between sisters. Screaming, slapping, slamming doors, throwing things? That is unacceptable behaviour for children of these ages. The fact that they behaved in a similar way on Mother’s Day suggests that they aren’t prepared to celebrate if the attention is on someone else (specifically their mother).

These children are certainly old enough not to throw toddler style tantrums, simply because they aren’t the centre of attention. Several people asked whether the children are usually well behaved because their wishes are constantly catered to, and I think that’s worth examining.

Other PPs have said that children should always come first, but I disagree with that as well. In this situation, it’s fine for them to put someone else first. I think they should have been encouraged to make a birthday card, maybe a gift of some sort. And certainly behave much better.

I’m not a fan of punishments in general, but I see nothing wrong with separating the girls and giving them a chance to calm down. Their continued screaming and throwing things would make me think they needed that time alone, though I wouldn’t ignore their actions (not saying you did). And I would have a serious discussion with them today. The fact that one child has written a note of apology is a positive outcome IMO.

I somehow don’t think so

Eh? I wouldn't see my primary-aged kids having a tiff with each other on my birthday as directed at me at all. We would have just gotten on with our happy birthday plans in my house. To be fair, I do have far higher expectations than the OP when it comes to my birthday - my family go all out for birthdays - presents, cards, flowers, a fancy meal out. We love birthdays in our house. We also don't let a sibling tiff "ruin" our celebrations - we're a happy bunch!