My children have ruined my birthday.

You can’t teach the whole lesson in one day, when tempers are already frayed.

You teach the lesson over years of both modelling and encouraging good behaviour, and pointing out lapses.

Little is learnt in showdowns.

She needs to spell out what she expects rather than expecting them to know, and singing happy birthday to herself when they fall short. I don’t understand how the DP gets off Scot free

But how do they actually learn consideration, respect and thinking about others if you don’t show them at an age appropriate point?

It is a very white western society thing for kids to be so free of expectations. Of places I have lived:

Japan - they would be really horrified by this sort of behaviour, kids are given emotional and practical responsibility from a very young age. Being considerate and socially responsive is probably the most important lesson you can impart to your kid.

The German speaking parts of Austria and Switzerland were similar.

Anyway I hope your birthday weekend turned out OK in the end OP.

I mean, you could try not to live your life as a martyr and see how you get on. "One day that's all about us mums" - eep! Lots of my life and family life is about me - I'm a member of the family! Maybe then you wouldn't be setting everyone up for failure by expecting perfect behaviour on your one special day!

You do realise that your kids are going to argue sometimes, right? And that there'll always be a, "I should be able to expect them to get a jumper/walk to the car/watch a movie without a tiff". Did you never - in your entire childhood - have an argument with your sibling? And let's say you did, at age 8: were you thinking, "I wonder how this fight I am having with my sibling is impacting on Mum"?

Oh give us mums one day to be all about us.

Set higher expectations for your birthday and mothers day. You set the tone for how you're treated. All your hard work goes to them but remember to put your own oxygen mask on first. Don't be a martyr to mothering. Get a babysitter and go out with you DP. Don't include them in everything. Does he get birthday and father's Day treats?

They are 8 and 10. Of course they have no consideration for you. Why should they? Of course they should behave properly, and be nice and yadda yadda, but they are also kids, who don’t have the maturity to stop and think “oh mum won’t like that.”

It feels worse because it’s your birthday, but don’t pretend they’ve never done this at any other time. If my daughter kicks off and it’s a special day, we largely just ignore it and carry on. The parenting part of trying to make sure they know how to behave correctly doesn’t need to be done in that moment. You chose to make everyone miserable because it was your birthday. You could have chosen just to let the kids be annoyed at each other and had a lovely meal.

You wanted payback for “everything you’ve done for them”. We’ve all had that feeling but it just raises the stakes.

Your whole problem was the high expectations placed on the evening.

If they had argued on a normal night you probably wouldn’t have noticed but on this special night it felt doubly bad.

You feel resentful and unhappy because what should have been amazing became disastrous. You were cheated of what you were owed. You are now unable to let it go but have to double down on your grief.

Kids argue. Sadly they don’t become thoughtful and considerate until they are a lot older. You are wasting time ruining your own birthday by being resentful about this. Let it go and make the best of things in whatever way works for you.

They probably picked up on the pressure too, which led to the arguing in the first place.

Low expectations are the secret of happiness.

My kids are teens and I always make it clear to them that I expect them to think up something nice for them to do for me. It doesn't have to cost anything, it can be a picture or something nice words about why they live me in a card.

It's the thought that counts!

I wish I was a wet blanket. I'm a mother of 3 children with SEN needs and neuordiversity and i'd say Im one of those who parent on the extreme scale. As in my husband and I are already planning on how we do Christmas at home alone without the violent meltdowns that preceded other years. I've had to spend the last 10 years deep diving into every type of book, style, support groups, courses, just to somehow stay married, keep our family together. Being able to disregard your own parenting style is a privilege.

I would sit them down individually tomorrow morning and ask them what nice things you do for them on their birthdays.

I'd then ask them to have a think about what made your birthday special and what might have made it not special.

I'd spell it out to them that their behaviour meant you missed out on something that you were looking forward to.

I'd ask them.to think up something nice that they can do to make the day after your birthday special instead. I could be giving you a foot rub, going to the shop with Daddy to buy you something nice, a picture they've drawn for you.

I'd also set expectations of behaviour and how to treat you on special days the day before the special day comes along.

Very interesting about Tiktok.
A lot of kids seem to be getting their social cues and ideas from rubbish like Tiktok and Snapchat.

So they can get the kudos from friends about breaking rules and behaving anti socially and badly especially towards their parents.

I saw this with a good friend's children not long ago. She was horrified at first as her kids were in no way perfect but were usually happy.

Then when he school got in touch with her. She realised where all the nonsense had come from.

She put her foot down good and proper.
And the kids soon came round.

Next time make clear plans. Do you think the uncertainty of the evening has contributed the behaviour escalation? Similar to mother's day possibly? You feel disappointed which means you obviously do want to celebrate your birthday. Plan it next time, tell the kids in advance, see if it goes smoother. X

If you want your birthday to be about you. Then do so. Arrange what ever you want without them. They are a little old for temper tantrums but they will mature. Take control you are the adult.

Your parenting style has made them behave this way, and now you are moaning.
Book some parenting lessons so next year is a better experience.

This is great idea. Let DC know that you and their dad will be celebrating without them.
Also tell DC that if they continue to ruin family celebrations then neither of them are having a special birthday celebration for their next birthday and stick to it. Don’t mean no presents/cards just no parties. You really need to sort their behaviour now, otherwise they will be nightmares when they are teenagers.

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them.
Sounds like you have them as the centre of your universe! Only going to end up with spoilt brats.
Time to let them rumble along with life that isn't all about them.

You are aware that we can see your post where you said "shit on", right?