My children have ruined my birthday.

Have you had a proper apology OP?
I think they are old enough to say more than just “sorry”.
I think you are entitled to a longer apology when they say that they are sorry for behaving so badly that they spoiled your birthday, that they are sorry for disrespecting your home by throwing things, that they are sorry for repeatedly not doing what they were asked and that they understand that ruined your day.
How will they feel if, just before leaving the house for their birthday treat, you and your DH decide to have a big fight and so upset that you can’t go?
And what commitment will they make about not behaving this way again? And what commitment will they make to not spoiling other people’s special occasions again? Do they understand how selfish this is? They’re children and they will sometimes fail to live up to their commitments but at 8 and 10 they are plenty old enough to promise to try to do better. And, unless that promise comes alongside an age-appropriate acknowledgement of what they did wrong, it’s just empty words.

Totally agree. You need some couple time, OP, and time for yourself. Get more balance, invest your time and energy into not just your children. It will benefit both you and them.

I have met a 32 year old grandmother.

Exactly. When I was that age (and younger) a drink/meal out after school would have been a massive treat - I would never have dared behave the way OP's kids have behaved.

We're not talking about toddlers or reception aged children here - the oldest is a year off secondary, FGS!

Start getting a sitter.

Silly question.

Everyone gets a birthday; don't be so sour.

And it's nothing about martyrdom. It' s reality that mothers tend to spend more time tending to children than the other way round.

Can’t believe some people think that going to pub for a drink with their parents and not kicking off is too high expectations for an 8 and 10 year old!! You’re not doing your children any favours by seeing such low standards for them.

Morning @op. Happy boxing-birthday (the day after your bday 😬)

I had a very feisty girl who could kick off at the drop of a hat and be very disruptive so I can relate to your situation. She had form for doing it on important occasions -likely she was overwhelmed. But. I would not have tolerated that on my bday and would not have cancelled plans. In cases
Like this I would have been very shouty (right down at their level for the shock value and face to face for impact) Sounds harsh but now that my kids are grown adults who are compassionate, loving polite and respectful I know it worked. It may not have been the most compassionate way to approach things (especially if being overwhelmed was the underlying cause) but it's a human response and sometimes we need to be raw humans in front of our kids. It's not ideal but I'm being honest about how I sometimes dealt /reacted to similar.

They need to be told in a very straightforward way that their behaviour is unacceptable, selfish and will not be tolerated. 'Shut up, stop throwing things, get dressed and get in the car. In silence. Right now'. 'How dare you try to spoil my birthday with such awful behaviour. It's rude and disrespectful and I will not tolerate it. You are better than that and I deserve more from you '.

'If there is one more peep or suggestion of an argument then x will happen ' x being a thing they will hate.

'This is my bday and I expect you to be nice to me and to let me enjoy the evening'.

Seriously they are not too young to be told this. They need to hear clearly what they are doing wrong and how they need to fix it. It's just such selfish behaviour. There may well be things behind it that need further thought and discussions the cold light of day (for example feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what is expected) - the fact that they did this at Mother's Day too is pretty sad. Have a calm conversation with them to explore your and their feelings -but be very clear on your needs and expectations. You need to help them find more positive ways to navigate their feelings in a less selfish way.

If they are allowed to do this to you regularly they are likely to grow up as very selfish entitled people and I'm sure you don't want that.

Anyway. Happy birthday. 🥳

The fact that your kids have now acted up on both your birthday AND Mother's Day suggests more than just a coincidence. Sounds like you've trained them to believe that your wishes and preferences don't matter.

I have a friend who sounds like you, OP. She has two kids, and ever since they were babies, she's poured ever drop of her spare money, time, and attention into them. She makes every holiday a magical experience for them. Weekends and term breaks are crammed with enriching kid-centered activities. When they watch TV together, it's always what the kids want to watch. When they go somewhere in the car together, they listen to whatever music the kids want to hear. My friend even ceded control of her birthday to her kids, allowing them to choose what THEY preferred for her own birthday dinner. It reached the point where my friend was eating McDonald's Happy Meals for her birthday, because that was what her kids wanted.

Now her kids are older, similar ages to yours, and my friend wonders why they treat her like their personal servant. Why they have zero care or empathy for her own preferences and desires. Why they don't see my friend as a person in her own right.

Don't be like my friend, OP.

Do you often suffer from a lack of self-awareness?

Pot meet kettle. The vast majority of your posts are about what a shitty parent OP is (especially compared to you).

Don’t know if this is the case for your kids OP, but we’ve realised that ours (bit younger than yours) can’t cope with anything other than a v chilled night in on a Friday night. After a full week at school/nursery it’s too much to do anything else. Maybe go for a Saturday celebration in future and on the actual eve just get a takeaway for you and DH. Sorry your birthday was ruined.

on a separate note, you say you never ask for anything or make a big deal of your birthday. I’d change this. You’re sending a message that you’re not important and that DDs don’t need to think about you. I’d start training them that they need to make you a card, make a cake with dad’s help and buy you something. Trains them to think about others and makes it clear it’s a special day. They’ll also be more invested in it going well if they’ve put effort in to make it special.

If this had been my partner, I wouldn’t have made myself a slice of toast and settled in front of the TV.

Id have rooted out a nice bottle of wine, lit some candles, hunted around in the cupboards and cobbled up something for dinner…. Even if just pasta in a sauce (you presumably had that in OP?)

Do you often deflect to ad hominem attacks?

Thanks 😄

Where I live for a start 🙄

I don’t know, she just wanted a bit of a moan about her birthday and you’re giving her a pretty hard time.

^

My sibling was like this, struggled on days that weren’t about them and picked up on pressures and expectations. Even did it on my parents wedding day! They have a good relationship still, as kids can be short sighted/impulsive and selfish - sometimes a part of normal development! Otherwise she was a lovely and generally ok behaved child.

now working with kids, I see this a lot as well. The pressure can get to them. They find it hard to be invested if there is no ‘direct’ benefit. Empathy develops at different stages. Struggle to take perspective etc etc.

it doesn’t mean you can’t be annoyed or upset, but if they are generally good, plan another nice day for yourself and let them have a natural consequence or punishment for their behaviour!

Good one, OP! You post a Mumsnet thread and then when people respond and engage, they're obsessed with your post. Am really seeing a pattern in your thinking here...

Did the glass vase smash? Was she aiming it at someone or just the wall?

Either way, it’s very concerning behaviour. I would have prob completely forgotten it was my birthday if my tween had done this, and instead now be very bloody concerned what this completely extreme behaviour indicates and what I need to do about it

Sounds lovely. Your teens doing something for your birthday because mum has basically threatened them 😆

I would be annoyed, and children that age should know better, but I also think they aren't emotional mature enough to consider the implications of their actions.