My children have ruined my birthday.

I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc.

Maybe they need it modelled to them that you are important too and not some sort of wind-up enrichment monkey. Everyone else gets presents and parties but we don’t bother with mum. It’s not a good lesson for them apart from anything else. It’s like that Christmas advert from a few years ago when the mum does all the shopping and cooking and her shitty family don’t even let her have a proper chair at the table.

I don’t have kids so maybe I’m wrong about this, but when I read posts like this, which I quite often do on MN, I sort of think that you shouldn’t be afraid to visibly lose your temper a bit on rare occasions and let them know that it’s your birthday and they’re ruining it. I’m sure it’s a hard balance to find, but imo being a good mother doesn’t mean making a total martyr of yourself. You’re allowed to want things. When I was a kid we once all forgot my mum’s birthday and had no presents for her. She’s a fabulous mum and was all about us most of the time, but on this occasion she really lost it and let us know how upset and angry she was. I was shocked but it didn’t do me any harm, it taught me that she was a human being with wants like me and I had some responsibilities to her as well as vice versa. I can’t remember how old I was but I was old enough to learn that lesson. I never forgot her birthday again, I always planned in advance. Of course you don’t want them to be afraid of you, but they shouldn’t just be riding over you either. Honestly if they are girls I think there is some value in them learning young that mums are people and other people don’t just get to take them completely for granted. They’ll be grateful for that lesson later in life!

Why do you expect your children to respect and appreciate you when you don't respect and appreciate yourself?

Why don't you ever ask for anything or have anything planned for your birthday? Did your dp take them shopping to buy you something from them?

You deserve a nice day for your birthday, you are allowed to celebrate it and allow others to celebrate it.

Absolutely this. What a ridiculous comment.

I don’t bother about my own birthday, never have.

however, I do care about others. Perhaps your children would benefit from some helping others work. Mine are adored and ran after like you describe. But since they were born have done
covid community food car drop offs.
visits to care homes
random acts of kindness which they suggest as age appropriate
as a few examples. What do they do for others?

I say this as someone who does not do birthdays, yet they blew me away with a homemade card and a cuddle.

make sure you are teaching kindness and compassion for others alongside your own experiences. And mine ain’t perfect, they also knock nine bells out each other and scream the house down, but they don’t do that when thinking about helping others.

Why didn’t you and your partner get a takeaway and ignore them?

I agree with this. Tomorrow is an opportunity to have a nice day all together. I hope they've learned their lesson. Happy birthday!

Kids can ruin meals. Mine sighed all the way through an expensive afternoon tea because she could hear people breathing. So I'm not taking her to the next one!

But even at this time you can treat yourself to a nice takeaway. Get something they wouldn't like!

Being upset by hurtful behaviour and having your appetite spoiled by it isn’t drama queen behaviour, it’s a normal reaction.

I think this is all a bit dramatic for a sibling fight which are pretty normal at this age. They also aren’t old enough to genuinely put others before themselves.

I would have separated them, 10 mins to cool off, reminded them of expectations and carried on with birthday plans.

I have almost 8yr old twins and I’d never do anything if I cancelled plans every time they had a fight.

I’m sorry. Based on my children the return to school and well and truly kicked in and their behaviour reflects that.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of the weekend and have a happy belated birthday.

I’d imagine the OP is a person who (like me) gets put off food when you’re really upset or stressed. I would also just go straight to bed and try forget about the upsetting event. Nothing’s gained sitting, picking at a meal that’s been ruined by bad atmosphere in the household.

I’m sorry you had a bad birthday OP.

I think it’s fair enough you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself, and maybe that’s all it is but there is a hint of it all being very loaded and emotionally charged as much as you’re claiming your birthday doesn’t matter, there’s nothing in to eat and nothing planned but then also you did plan to go to the pub and were so disappointed by it not happening that you didn’t eat at all and took yourself to bed. With a side of ‘after all I do for you all …’. Again, I can totally see feeling like that and I’d probably be a bit that way inclined myself, but the rational side of me knows it would be far better to a) separate them and stand no nonsense getting ready b) press on going to the pub anyway - less telling off and more just getting on with it and not allowing children the power of derailing an entire evening and if that really didn’t work then c) salvaging something of the evening to show them they don’t actually have the capacity to wreck an adult (their mum’s!) special day and change the emotional mood of the entire house. Because that’s actually too much power for young kids and pretty scary for them to think that - nobody is actually in control or keeping the show on the road - they’re wailing, dad is shouting and mum has taken herself off to bed without any dinner on her birthday.

It might be time for a reset, I’m not for a second suggesting it’s easy and I can understand why today felt worse. Hopefully you can do something nice over the weekend - if you’ve any babysitting options maybe something childfree just you and DH?

Jeeze arrange a babysitter for another night and you and dp go out as for the one who was wailing about it being the worst day ever a quick reminder that it was YOUR birthday they ruined would be a fine conversation to calmly have tomorrow

I’m sorry, this is really rubbish. I appreciate that we you want to spoil them and putting them first at all times, but sometimes it’s a good lesson to learn that they do not come first at all costs at all times, because life doesn’t work like that. It’s good you stuck to your guns when they behaved like this. Any chance you can find a sitter for a nice and have a night out just you and your DH?

Sorry you've had a bad night OP! Happy Birthday, you definitely should still celebrate with your partner tonight, grab a bottle of wine and takeaway! Id message around your friends and see if anyone is free tomorrow to do something, make tomorrow about you and enjoy yourself! Kids can be brats sometimes and Fridays are usually worse after being in school all week. Hope the rest of your night is better!

Ah. Cross posted. Do you WANT to go out by yourself? Doesn't sound like much of a birthday treat.

I would be annoyed too, OP, and I totally get why you can’t be arsed to do anything now and have taken yourself off to bed, sounds like all your energy has been zapped! Maybe just a combination of over-excitement, still settling into the school routine, a bickering age etc all just added up and sent them round the twist, not that it’s much consolation for you at all.

Could you maybe have a chat with them tomorrow when they’re (hopefully) calmer and just explain in an age appropriate way how to be considerate and mindful towards other people? Maybe get them to talk through how they would like you to behave on their birthdays so they can see the difference and how it has made you feel? I think they’re old to understand the concept of this and take some accountability. In addition please organise something nice either for tomorrow or next weekend to celebrate and do something fun.

Oh, and happy birthday 🎂 I’m sorry it hasn’t been a good one.

OP, don’t continue it into tomorrow. They had their consequence. Talk to them tomorrow, they say sorry, go to the event.

it’s poor behaviour but it’s not the end of the world.

I thought similar. You punished yourself.

Sorry your day got messed up, happy birthday, can you still get a takeaway?
Maybe the kids got overexcited. Hopefully they will be calmer tomorrow and apologies.

This!

Your DDs are usually well behaved, bright and happy, God so many parents would give their right arm for that. You are so lucky.

Try to hold onto that. It's probably the excitement and pressure is setting them off today. Tomorrow is a new day.

Sound like this is the first major parenting test you've had and it's a good time to reflect on how you want to approach and react to tricky things in future and what you would like to model for your DDs.

You sound a bit burned out tbh like you feel like you give everything. Maybe start channeling more into self care.

When you say they are usually well behaved, is that because they are usually indulged and get pretty much their own way? Not expecting an answer, just thinking out loud really.
I think you should book an evening out for just you and DP, get a babysitter for the kids. Tell them, calmly but with no room for argument, that they spoiled your actual birthday so they are not coming on your substitute celebration. And stick to it. They are old enough to know that their behaviour was unacceptable.

Is your partner not their dad?

sounds like they get wound up, maybe with pressure of knowing how important it is. Youd have ended it quicker giving them a snack and leaving the house.