My children have ruined my birthday.

Offer some constructive advice then? Rather than berating someone's parenting?

If you haven't got anything nice to say....

Strangely enough when emotions are running high it's not always easy to think straight. Hindsight is a wonderful thing...

Sorry yes, I see I pretty much cross posted with you telling someone else he is. The way you phrased the opening post as you and the kids, who you (singular ) prioritise, fund, organise and and so on seemed like one single parent family entity, then you and your partner an entity, and then it read as though your partner was throwing his weight around taking the lead on dragging out open ended house arrest type thing...
Obviously if he's their dad it's different, it just read oddly.

Sorry your birthday has been a disappointment, but don't drag it out - talk to them at breakfast and clear the air, then go out as planned.

Please be honest about it spoiling your birthday (but please don't cry and wail - as a daughter of a mother who tried - successfully for the first twenty years - to manipulate me into doing what she wanted by crying or having tantrums and making me responsible for her emotions and for my younger siblings' emotions too, from the age of seven onwards, there is a huge difference between being honest about feeling hurt, and crying deliberately in the hope of making your child feel guilty, or shouting).

Next year I would get a babysitter and go out with your dp alone. If your children ask tell them why you are celebrating without them. At 8 and 10 they absolutely should know how to behave.

Do NOT carry it on tomorrow
That's just dragging out punishment for a relatively minor offence that doesn't deserve it

That is what I would have done.

Sorry your children are playing up but taking yourself off to bed without eating is ridiculous. Why wouldn't you get a takeaway or something with your partner and watch something? Come on OP, this is just martyrdom

Don't be silly.

Exactly, the dinner out should not have been cancelled, the children should have been told to behave and that should have been it…..why was that not possible?

Who decided to cancel the meal out?

OP did the heavy lifting on ruining the day.
Instead of finding out why they argued and defusing it.
She shows them that the one with the power wins and invoked group punishment on them.
Apparently 2mins of arguing with a sibling gets you 48hrs of mummy dearest retaliation. Especially since mummy did awfully want that drink at the pub 🍷

Order yourself a takeaway between yourselves when they're asleep. No need to starve yourself. Happy Birthday 🎂

Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner

At 10 and 8, they were likely irritable because they were hungry and you had no plans for dinner and really were focussed on getting a drink down at the pub.

they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed.

What did you feed them for dinner if you had nothing in for dinner?

The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

Protesting your ridiculous over the top punishment for what was simply a sibling outburst.

more of a sudden explosion! It came out of nowhere and we reacted immediately and they were sent to their rooms but then the 2 hour pity party started. I’m pretty strict..

You are VERY strict and your punishment teaches them nothing. There is zero teaching from you on conflict resolution. You’re just teaching them to avoid all disagreements and conflicts.

We’d planned a day out to an event tomorrow but we both agree they shouldn’t be rewarded after this.

After what? Protesting what was definitely an extreme reaction and harsh punishment, you are going to double down and make sure tomorrow will be even worse.

Your parenting is terrible.

Your partner sounds brilliant. I hope you have a lovely day by yourself or with a friend doing things for you. You deserve it.
They are a pair of spoilt brats sadly. They need to have the most boring weekend possible after their show down on your birthday. They are old enough to know that today is about you and they should enjoy making it nice for you.
I'd make a list of chores and expect them done by the time you are back.

Why are you confused? Its quite clear they're her children ? 43 is very young to be a 10 years old grandma...

Mothers day and your birthday and you mention you work hard to give them experiences etc?

Maybe start working to give yourself experiences.
It's really healthy for kids to see mums treating themselves and putting themselves first

In this situation (I've had similar) I sent them to bed after a dinner of toast or something equally as boring and ordered myself a takeaway and icecream etc.

If they wanna act brattisg they don't get to take part in the treat

When calm down ask how they'd like you to do that and spend two hours screaming on their birthday instead of a party...

Give them chances to miss out and regret their actions, and see other people being put first.

Things like your partner saying to them 'let's ask mum what take away she'd like as she works so hard to give us all nice experiences let's do one for her' etc

What the fuck?

Yes. I wouldn't be afraid to tell them they ruined your day and that you are expecting thoughtful behaviour from them for the treat tomorrow. They have to learn to think of others and to rise to an occasion.

I've learnt over the years it does dc no harm to hear you shout /see you cry /be hurt /make mistakes and basically see you as a human being not Superwoman.. Tomorrow they can make you cards and do something nice for you.

Happy birthday OP 🎁 🎂 🎈

You get quite easily confused it would seem.

By your own admission, you do seem to have given them the impression that they come first and you only exist to serve them. So maybe it's not entirely surprising that they wouldn't see your birthday as being more important than their fight.

Totally agree with all of this

This.

Dragging out some kind of ad hoc punishment (which actually punishes you) indefinitely will achieve precisely nothing.

Talk to them over breakfast then carry on with your original plan - you're not rewarding them, you're just not punishing them and yourself again and again without a clear plan.

It's highly improbable that they "chose" to fight on your birthday btw - don't torture yourself by attributing malice and forethought to pure thoughtlessness and lack of impulse control (and probably over tiredness given the time of year and ages).

Is your partner not their dad? Something feels odd about the way things are phrased, but if he's not been part of the family ling this is highly likely to be adding to the tension, especially as he seems to be taking the lead on the whole punishment track you're going down...

I wouldn't take it personally OP, I'm sure your DDs ddn't plan to get the rage with each other specifically because it's your birthday, you're just a by-product to their 'feelings'.

Your DDs are incorrect as their "worst day ever" hasn't happened yet - that day comes when their DM puts herself and her needs first; hopefully this weekend should either assume they're getting taken anywhere. Because indeed their DM prefers to do anything other than that, even lying on the sofa flicking through the channels if needs be.

As after all, they preferred to do their 'screaming and fighting' instead of celebrating your birthday, so fair's fair.