My children have ruined my birthday.

Bullshit my kids didn’t behave like this at that age

@Lincolnlemons or maybe the OP was just upset and pissed off and didn’t feel like eating so went to bed. I’ve had those moments of sheer fed up-ness as a parent where I’ve sent them to bed and then gone into my bedroom with a bag of crisps and thought, sod you all for the night, I’m done here!

If the kids have been sent to bed they will presumably have been unaware that their mum has also gone to bed (and with no dinner).

I know what you mean about the transactional turn of phrase but I think it’s natural to think like that internally. I doubt very much the OP voiced it in such a transactional way because she is grown up. Could be wrong of course!

They owe you respect and basic human consideration. It's the job of the parent to make them value and practice those attributes.

Agree! And well said.

I think your H dropped the ball here. Why didn't he rope the kids into planning something nice for you? If they even made birthday cards, it would have been a better gesture than what you received, which was precisely nothing. And why couldn't he order a food delivery for you once the children were in bed?

Next year, tell your H you expect him and the children to plan something nice for your birthday. Teach the three of them to treat you with the respect and affection you deserve.

And cut back on the overweening devotion.

If your H is a sahd, he needs to start the kids doing chores and learning to cook and do laundry.

I totally agree that children need to be taught to think about others but that sentence I quoted screams transactional does it not? Yes absolutely discipline them for behaving poorly but the whole “I’m going to act like martyr and go to bed without any dinner” is incredibly manipulative.

I have seen the results of the gentle/no parenting route and it is really not great.
Without exception, dropping out of college, extended gap years, lots of farting around finding themselves while expecting to be funded.
Gentle parenting is low effort constantly satisfying them.
Absolute disaster in my view.
Not compatible with the real world where consideration of others is a necessary life skill.

It really isn’t wild. My kids have known from a young age that when it’s someone’s birthday, you get your ass out of bed and make them breakfast and go and choose a card yourself at the very least. Again, so much babying. Kids need a push to grow into considerate adults and absolutely should learn that love is a doing word.

I do agree it shouldn’t be transactional - ie, I do it for them so they should do it for me, but this idea that we are put on earth to serve our children and make their lives golden, with no expectations on them, really IS wild. To me at least.

I feel really old when I read some of the gentle parenting approaches to this stuff.

If they were mine, they would be sat down tomorrow and told in no uncertain terms that they had spoiled my special day and how upset and unimportant that made you feel. Ask them how they would feel if they had their own birthday party planned and you and your partner had a massive disruptive row when it was about to start, and the party was cancelled.

So much mollycoddling. Kids should absolutely feel thr force of others upset and disappointment sometimes. It’s a powerful learning tool. I don’t give a shiny shit if that makes me a Luddite.

I disagree with the posters who make excuses for this outrageous behaviour and say it's normal. It's really not at that age. Throwing things? Screaming? Two year old tantrum behaviour. A two year old can't help it but they shouldn't be acting like this. All that carry on as well after they were told off and sent to bed. Clearly not much of a telling off! He should have read them the riot act.

I too suspect they are good as gold most of the time because most of the time it's all about them. I don't think it's a coincidence that they play up when it's a special time for a parent. No advice as you don't want it but if it carries on they will be hellish teens.

And I'd expect my similar age child to make some small effort on my birthday, given everything I do to make his special.

This is absolutely wild. As a parent you’re supposed to make their birthdays special. They are a CHILD and don’t owe you something in return for being treated like any child should be.

It’s heading that way. It’s manipulative and designed to invoke feelings in young children that they can’t understand or deal with at that age. It’s a bloody birthday, get a takeaway and chill out.

This. Plus I don’t understand adults who fixate on their birthdays. If they behaved similarly on Mother’s Day sounds like they’re feeling the pressure and acting out

You have extremely low standards if you think the behaviour the OP has described is just ‘kids being kids’ and something you would shrug off.

@FiatLuxAdAstra

that is not emotional abuse.

Where was your partner and why weren’t they disciplining the kids and making sure it didn’t even get to this point? They should have stepped in whisked the kids off, bollocked them and sorted it the F out

This is exactly what I thought! Nowhere does it mention grandchildren. Plus,I know it's not impossible,but it would be highly unlikely that someone of 43 would have grandchildren aged 8 and 10!

I would have stuck to the plan

Exactly this.

They've been punished.

If you're overly strict/unreasonable they will rebel as soon as they hit their teens.

Talk to them tomorrow about why it was wrong, don't punish them further.

The odd thing to me is that you're describing it as if they are someone else's children. YOU are the mother, so YOU are responsible for a family where the children pull this kind of tantrum.
You said that you don't need parenting advice, but I suspect you did need it - about a decade ago.

Firstly, happy birthday OP 🎂

I love my 2DC but I've learnt that even as we all grow together (mine are teens one an adult) that even DC who know right from wrong tend to be selfish and think life revolves around them.

Try to out-think them and make the situation work to your advantage, e.g. they play up so you tell them they've lost their time with you. Walk away, go and have a bath with music, play on your phone, do your hair, chat to friends/family on the phone. Your DH can put them to bed.

As soon as you have a babysitter (do this soon) go out and have your birthday meal with your DH then keep having fun couple nights. Have back up plans so you enjoy time yourself.

When your DC are getting on more tell them you like being with them when everyone behaves well and, as their behaviour is good, you will consider planning something else with them. There can be good consequences for good behaviour.

I think sending yourself to bed early without dinner, is a weird way of punishing them

like you made they say deliberately worse for dramatic effect

kids sometimes behave badly and fight, but to attribute to them that they did it deliberately as the attention was not in them seems a weird interpretation?

it sounds like you feel thst you give your kids everything and more at great cost to yourself, and therefore tgey should be grateful?

in your shoes I would have told them off, send them to their rooms and try and have a nice dinner with your partner regardless (the kids Would have likely apologised and joined by then)

Are your children usually well-behaved because you do everything they want? Because that might be the problem - as soon as it's not about them, they throw a strop. Even making all the allowances for their age etc. they need to learn that they are actually not the centre of the universe.

OP, happy birthday.
Sorry to be harsh, but that behaviour is shocking.
They need some major zero tolerance.
No technology.
No treats.
Do absolutely nothing for them.

Children whom have respect do not behave like that.
You are not their friend, so don't try to be.
Sometimes your children need to dislike you.
I would give them an absolutely miserable weekend of consequences and I wouldn't buy so much as a biscuit for a week or two.
Throwing glass at 8?
Really bratty.
What do you think she will be like at 12?
Withdraw every privilege and treat until she learns some respect.
Both of them need to learn how lucky they are.
Do it now before you regret it.

Their father sounds very very poor.
You are the family workhorse.
What exactly is the point of him?
You do it all?

I’m going to place a bet that over 95% of the things that you organise, plan and pay for or for the kids. The other 5% for your husband. You can model you are a person in a million small ways without spending money, planning anything or putting exceptional burden on your husband. Just think of all the normal things you did as a kid such as not interrupting mums lie-in or not talking through the news headlines or knowing you couldn’t get a lift on thursdays because that’s mums evening class or sitting on the floor so grandma can have the comfy chair. Would you have acted like a dick on your mums birthday when you were 10? I bet the reason you didn’t is not to do with how much money she spent on you or how much planning she did.

You are talking about financial pressures and the exhaustion of planning but really, someone has shopped for every other meal this week, would it have been too much for your dh to make your favourite meal and help the kids do some baking or stick a candle in a cuthbert? This is not excessive planning or vast expense, it’s super basic.
Anyway, tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it yet so have a lovely day with your family and next year make sure you get the fuss you think is befitting members of your household on their birthdays.