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Original poster

My children have ruined my birthday.

466 replies

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 20:53

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
BigBear2025 · 27/09/2025 06:35

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 20:53

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

'I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore'

What, exactly did you mean by that statement?

ThatPeachFox · 27/09/2025 06:30

Bragging that my kids are well-behaved…
Because they’re with their grandparents.

Mothers Day Comics GIF by BBB illustration
ThatPeachFox · 27/09/2025 06:26

🙄

Tired Women GIF
CrispieCake · 27/09/2025 05:48

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:31

And drop this whole, "you ruined my birthday" thing with the kids. If my mum said this when I was a kid, I'd be devastated, and would remember my mum's self-indulgent sulking forever.

But they did ruin the day and they're old enough to be told it. If they don't want to be upset by the consequences of their actions, they shouldn't act out.

It sounds like they need a scare. One of them threw a glass jar. If that's the 10yo, she's over the age of criminal responsibility and so could have been criminally liable for her actions had she injured someone or damaged anything. If my boy had thrown a glass jar at his little sister or at me, we'd be having a discussion about criminal assault and the police. Because some actions are completely unacceptable and some lines can't be crossed. We don't do our kids any favours by failing to teach them this.

There's a reason that society tolerates tantrums from toddlers, but these two are getting to the age (and in the case of the older one, at the age) where actually they are expected to take some responsibility for their emotions and their actions.

ProfessionalPirate · 27/09/2025 05:45

Dramatic · 27/09/2025 00:51

Me and my sister beat the crap out of each other regularly, we could barely go a couple of days without some sort of physical fight.

Op why on earth did you cancel your meal out for this?! Just tell them to pack it in, get in the car and go. Siblings fight no matter what day it is, why make such a massive deal out of it and end up punishing yourself?

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Just because you did (do?) it doesn’t make it normal or acceptable. I promise you it is possible to raise siblings that don’t go around ‘beating the crap out of each other’.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:35

Catsbreakfast · 26/09/2025 21:21

Being upset by hurtful behaviour and having your appetite spoiled by it isn’t drama queen behaviour, it’s a normal reaction.

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But the kids had a spat with each other. Not sure how that's hurtful behaviour towards the OP. This is sounding very narcissistic - everything that happens is about mememe. Kids will have tiffs!

CrispieCake · 27/09/2025 05:34

Lincolnlemons · 26/09/2025 23:44

It’s heading that way. It’s manipulative and designed to invoke feelings in young children that they can’t understand or deal with at that age. It’s a bloody birthday, get a takeaway and chill out.

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Most children of 7 and 10 aren't compete wet blankets, you know. Mine would understand the point being made perfectly - that my birthday is worthy of celebrating - while finding it funny and just a tiny bit awful, which would appeal to his sense of humour.

I am not a harsh parent - I'm actually quite easygoing and indulgent - but I'm beginning to think we're short a few rolls of cotton wool in this house. Because we call each other out on poor behaviour and aren't afraid to have a joke.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:31

And drop this whole, "you ruined my birthday" thing with the kids. If my mum said this when I was a kid, I'd be devastated, and would remember my mum's self-indulgent sulking forever.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:29

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 26/09/2025 21:12

This!

Your DDs are usually well behaved, bright and happy, God so many parents would give their right arm for that. You are so lucky.

Try to hold onto that. It's probably the excitement and pressure is setting them off today. Tomorrow is a new day.

Sound like this is the first major parenting test you've had and it's a good time to reflect on how you want to approach and react to tricky things in future and what you would like to model for your DDs.

You sound a bit burned out tbh like you feel like you give everything. Maybe start channeling more into self care.

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It's hardly a major parenting test for your kids to have a spat with each other?!

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:27

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 21:10

@Naananananaa it was less of an escalation and more of a sudden explosion! It came out of nowhere and we reacted immediately and they were sent to their rooms but then the 2 hour pity party started.
I’m pretty strict so, no, they don’t get their own way and we don’t indulge them. They know we don’t tolerate bad behaviour so why they chose to do this today what has annoyed me so much.

I’m less moping and more exhausted and fed up.

We’d planned a day out to an event tomorrow but we both agree they shouldn’t be rewarded after this. My partner’s suggested I go somewhere by myself to get a break.

This is way over the top. Your children had a spat with each other, this happens. This is not a punishment-worthy event. I cannot believe you are dragging the over the top sulking out for two days. Get a grip.

SiameseBlueEyes · 27/09/2025 05:11

Why are you so sure they're not spoiled? They certainly sound like it to me. I imagine the teenage years are going to be truly dreadful if you don't clamp down now. They should both lose something they value and no rubbish about starting fresh tomorrow. They lose their computer privileges, outings or whatever they value - they have to internalize the message that this is not the way to behave. The hours of wailing would have annoyed me more than the initial fight and I'd punish for that as well.

Franpie · 27/09/2025 03:13

I think they probably felt a bit rubbish for ruining your evening but didn’t know how to handle those feelings of guilt and therefore continued to act out.

The more you then punished them, the worse they became.

Continuing to punish them tomorrow by not going on your planned day out is just cutting off all your noses.

Tomorrow should be a fresh start. No mention of today. Clean slate, try again.

spoonbillstretford · 27/09/2025 03:11

They are probably knackered after a week at school. Much better to plan something at the weekend when you've all had some rest.

TillyButtonGrundy · 27/09/2025 03:08

FiatLuxAdAstra · 26/09/2025 21:46

OP did the heavy lifting on ruining the day.
Instead of finding out why they argued and defusing it.
She shows them that the one with the power wins and invoked group punishment on them.
Apparently 2mins of arguing with a sibling gets you 48hrs of mummy dearest retaliation. Especially since mummy did awfully want that drink at the pub 🍷

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People like you are fascinating, I wonder if you ever feel ashamed of yourself after posts like this or too far gone?

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 27/09/2025 03:00

I don’t get why they were sent to their rooms?! Their punishment was probably what they preferred over going out to a dinner so you only punished yourself.

If it was my kids, we’d still be doing what we were doing…an argument doesn’t mean we renege on commitments. It does mean a loss of their privileges though (game time/ screen time/ proportion of pocket money). Further arguments or squabbling over dinner results in further losses of privileges.

My kids had a similar fight this evening on our way out (end of the school week tiredness can do that), and the loss of just 10mins of weekend game time made them forget those grievances and behave as expected despite being tired.

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/09/2025 02:58

I have 7 & 10 year olds and to be honest they are pretty incapable of thinking ‘it’s mums birthday so I should stop this tantrum taking over’. I know it’s very frustrating, especially when you can’t just get a nice takeaway, but it really is just kids. Good your partner managed it for you.

I don’t think your birthday should be unimportant just because it’s 43, that’s my next birthday and I won’t be treating it as unimportant (I’m also don’t do ‘this is my birthday week’ before people jump to conclusions)

boompadoomshoosh · 27/09/2025 02:49

Are they autistic? I was undiagnosed as a child and occasions different from the norm often upset me.

Thiswaythatwayforwardandbackway · 27/09/2025 02:36

I think you sound a little bit childish to say an 8 and 10 year old 'spoiled' your birthday. I wouldn't really expect kids of that age to care much about an adults birthday. I doubt they intended to spoil your day, the idea of going to a pub was probably not very appealing to them.

civilservicejobhelp · 27/09/2025 02:22

CatherineDoll · 26/09/2025 23:29

@FiatLuxAdAstra

that is not emotional abuse.

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Yes it is. I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for you if this happened to you, or sorry for any children you have if you think that's normal behaviour.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 27/09/2025 02:13

Some of these suggestions OP punish them by things which last a week or so are ridiculous
If you go so hard on punishments for a bit of sibling arguing (which could have been deescalate before the throwing things and expressing themselves badly phases) what do you do when they do something actually bad???

blackheartsgirl · 27/09/2025 01:34

StellaLaBella · 26/09/2025 21:03

Huh? How would a 43yo have 8 and 10 yo grandchildren?

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It’s not impossible. My friend was 33 when her first granddaughter was born.

she was 16 when she had her dd and then the dd gave birth aged 17

not that this applies to op 😂

Hollerationinthedancerieeee · 27/09/2025 01:27

Baggyit · 26/09/2025 23:57

I have seen the results of the gentle/no parenting route and it is really not great.
Without exception, dropping out of college, extended gap years, lots of farting around finding themselves while expecting to be funded.
Gentle parenting is low effort constantly satisfying them.
Absolute disaster in my view.
Not compatible with the real world where consideration of others is a necessary life skill.

What do you mean by gentle parenting?

undercovermarsupial · 27/09/2025 01:12

Sorry you had a rubbish birthday OP 😞 I hope tomorrow is better. If I was your partner, I’d be starting the day tomorrow by laying down the law with your daughters and putting the onus on them to figure out how they’re going to make sure you have the best day ever tomorrow. As they ruined it by fighting, they can pull together and work as a team to make a card/present, perhaps prepare a nice breakfast with some support from him, maybe plan something for you all to do together (even if it’s planning a nice walk, getting your favourite snacks in and playing board games/watching your favourite film etc. Doesn’t have to cost much but they need to practise thinking about what you want and need). And making a pact to behave civilly to each other. They can’t undo what’s happened this evening, but it’s an opportunity for them to learn a valuable lesson about thinking of other people’s feelings and being a team as sisters to achieve something nice for you instead of fighting.

If this is a running theme on days that are important to you, and it sounds like it might be given they were bad on Mother’s Day too, he should also be preempting this next time an important day comes around by reminding them about behaviour expectations ahead of time.

Dramatic · 27/09/2025 00:51

ProfessionalPirate · 26/09/2025 23:42

You have extremely low standards if you think the behaviour the OP has described is just ‘kids being kids’ and something you would shrug off.

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Me and my sister beat the crap out of each other regularly, we could barely go a couple of days without some sort of physical fight.

Op why on earth did you cancel your meal out for this?! Just tell them to pack it in, get in the car and go. Siblings fight no matter what day it is, why make such a massive deal out of it and end up punishing yourself?

DreamTheMoors · 27/09/2025 00:42

Every time a mother on here talks about her kids, it reminds me of my mum, who spent her entire life - or our entire lives - doing, buying, cooking, baking, mending, working for us kids.
I don’t remember fighting all that much, but I’m the youngest and the older kids didn’t want anything to do with me.
Mum was a teacher - and put all of us kids through university.
When I was 17, I was selected to represent an agricultural group - I shudder to think about how much money Mum spent on clothes for me for that, all happily. And she used up all her sick leave so she could go to appearances with me. She was so proud of me.
I thanked my mum probably a thousand times, but she’s gone now. I miss her.
And one day your kids will grow up and tell you they’re sorry for being little shits all those days and they’re gonna thank you a thousand times for being a good mum.

The shitty thing is, it won’t be tonight.
Happy birthday and I’m sending love from faraway California ❤️