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Original poster

My children have ruined my birthday.

466 replies

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 20:53

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
BigBear2025 · 27/09/2025 07:51

Children at 8 and 10 have learnt their behaviors.
Sending them to their bedrooms isn't punishment, it's sending them to their safe space where they are surrounded by their toys and belongings.

TorroFerney · 27/09/2025 07:45

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 20:59

@Whereismyfleeceblanket i agree, I think it’s a mix of it not being about them and them just not having any consideration for me.

But you don’t have any consideration for yourself so monkey see monkey do. Don’t really celebrate no presents never ask for anything. So why would the children treat it as a special day. Don’t be a martyr.

Original poster
Fluffalumpper · 27/09/2025 07:42

Just to clear up this narrative of upsetting their routine, we weren’t going for a meal, it was one drink at 5.30 which they were both told about beforehand. Both were keen. We’ve done it before.

No, I didn’t plan days in advance, I plan every bloody event in this house and don’t feel I should have to for my birthday. Yeah, maybe DP should have put more effort in and planned something nice beforehand but that’s what I’m dealing with. But the girls are old enough and intelligent enough to handle one drink in the pub without this being a deeply disturbing even. This isn’t the first time we’ve done it on a Friday and it’s usually very last minute without WW3 breaking out.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 27/09/2025 07:42

If you want to go to the event today I think you should go as a family, they have had punishment last night. Their father should also be talking to them this morning and making sure heartfelt apologies come your way and to each other. It sounds like it escalated out of all control. Their behaviour is completely unacceptable, I'm not sure sending children to their rooms is that effective. More pull yourselves together we are going out for mum's birthday now because you're not spoiling it with your behaviour and you won't be having any screen time this weekend and they will pay for the breakages from their pocket money. A pub dinner isn't much of a treat for a child so they've not really lost out, you have.

It also sounds like you're doing too much, breadwinner, all the organising and emotional labour, what's your partner doing? I don't believe a man needs to be a provider I earn more than dh , but he does need to pull his weight in all areas.

Sometimeswinning · 27/09/2025 07:35

Octonaut4Life · 27/09/2025 07:02

Are you always this lackadaisical about what the plan is for big events and have you considered this may be part of the problem? Was it similar on mother's day i.e. that you didn't plan in advance but decided on the day? Some kids really struggle with uncertainty and changes in routine. Possible they might find it easier to behave if they know what the expectations were going to be on them and what was going to happen a bit further in advance.

This is why we are having such problems with parents versus schools. It’s never my child hit you, punched, screamed fucker and ran around the school trashing it, that’s awful behaviour. It’s, did YOU make a bad choice which made my child react this way.

We have such little faith in children’s resilience these days that the op, who has done something so simple and normal
is apparently to blame for upsetting their routine.

Francestein · 27/09/2025 07:31

Do they have a "least favourite" grandparent or relative who could babysit next weekend so you and DH can go out without the little darlings? I think you are right to send them to their rooms and take away privileges. They are old enough to understand that behaviour has consequences.

Trepidfox · 27/09/2025 07:31

Happy Birthday for yesterday OP. Now that everyone has calmed down a bit are you able to have a chat with both of them and get to the root of what set things off? I agree there is always a bit of a crash when they go back to school and they don't come across as persistently having blow ups. I think it's important they know how it made you feel and that it will not be tolerated. Hope you do manage to have a nice time together this weekend💐

Strawberrryfields · 27/09/2025 07:30

I think you’ve set expectations way too low. You make it sound as if you don’t really care about your birthday so others are not going to either. You don’t have to go OTT but being 43 doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a nice birthday.

If a relaxed pub meal is what you wanted - great - but make it a thing not a wishy washy maybe plan. We’re having a nice relaxed pub meal on Friday because it’s mum’s birthday.

I actually think it’s important for kids to see their parents being celebrated and appreciated as individuals (birthdays, Mother’s Day) and makes it clear the kids aren’t in fact the centre of the universe. Give your kids the opportunity to step up and show that you deserve special day/s too.

happy belated birthday, hope you can do something you enjoy this weekend.

CrispieCake · 27/09/2025 07:29

Fluffalumpper · 27/09/2025 06:57

Removing privileges for wholly unacceptable behaviour isn’t having a “tantrum”, it’s parenting by showing them that actions have consequences. And expecting them on any day to be able to get a jumper whilst behaving themselves is asking too much of them?

Expectations are extremely low for some of these MNers.

Show quote history

You're right, OP. These are not tiny children. The 10yo will be at secondary school in a year or so and expected largely to take responsibility for herself. You are not wrong for expecting them to be able to consider the feelings of others as well as themselves, nor to take some time for yourself after their behaviour ruined your evening.

My 8yo knows when he's being a pain in the proverbial because I tell him. I think it's important for kids to grow up self-aware. I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to tell me that's yet more emotional abuse 🙄.

Starseeking · 27/09/2025 07:24

I don’t understand why your DP didn’t pull his finger out a bit and plan something nice for you; it didn’t need to be expensive, just something focussed on you. Perhaps seeing you do everything (work, home support, organising) is contributing to these outbursts? What is your DP doing?

Lentilcakes · 27/09/2025 07:23

BigBear2025 · 27/09/2025 06:35

'I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore'

What, exactly did you mean by that statement?

Show quote history

She beans her birthdays don’t mean much to her.

GagMeWithASpoon · 27/09/2025 07:22

SaySomethingMan · 27/09/2025 07:20

Your partner should be able to plan something nice for your birthday. I wonder what prep you do with your dc for his birthday. Telling them off after the day is ruined is no good. He should’ve been supervising them and dead slating things. Tête would certainly have been a sign before the “explosion”. He should be capable of making your birthdays special in collaboration with your tweens tbh

Supervise them getting dressed? At 8 and 10?

Lentilcakes · 27/09/2025 07:21

If they did it in Mother’s Day and your bday then there’s def something going on there - they don’t like you getting attention? What are they like on your partner’s bday and other special occasions?

I reminds me of when we used to have Friday night dinner when the DCs were young (as we are Jewish - think of the programme!). Most weeks there was some sort of row/stroppiness as everyone’s expectations were high after a week of work/school/me cooling a 3-course meal etc.

SaySomethingMan · 27/09/2025 07:20

Your partner should be able to plan something nice for your birthday. I wonder what prep you do with your dc for his birthday. Telling them off after the day is ruined is no good. He should’ve been supervising them and dead slating things. Tête would certainly have been a sign before the “explosion”. He should be capable of making your birthdays special in collaboration with your tweens tbh

HeadsWinTailsLose · 27/09/2025 07:19

I’d be inclined to speak with them both about yesterday’s behaviour, tell them it wasn’t a good birthday because of their fighting and that we’re going out as a family today and that you expect them to behave else “insert consequence here”

Spanador · 27/09/2025 07:08

InMyHealthyEra · 26/09/2025 21:00

I’m slightly confused, are your children 8 and 10 or are they your grandchildren?

That behaviour is completely unacceptable, they are old enough to know better

Maybe you should try being in your ‘reading posts properly’ era. Absolutely no part of the OP made it sound like they were talking about their grandchildren

Octonaut4Life · 27/09/2025 07:02

Are you always this lackadaisical about what the plan is for big events and have you considered this may be part of the problem? Was it similar on mother's day i.e. that you didn't plan in advance but decided on the day? Some kids really struggle with uncertainty and changes in routine. Possible they might find it easier to behave if they know what the expectations were going to be on them and what was going to happen a bit further in advance.

Original poster
Fluffalumpper · 27/09/2025 06:57

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:48

But you're planning a two-day tantrum - why are you expecting so much from them?

Show quote history

Removing privileges for wholly unacceptable behaviour isn’t having a “tantrum”, it’s parenting by showing them that actions have consequences. And expecting them on any day to be able to get a jumper whilst behaving themselves is asking too much of them?

Expectations are extremely low for some of these MNers.

OP posts:
WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:51

CatherineDoll · 26/09/2025 23:29

@FiatLuxAdAstra

that is not emotional abuse.

Show quote history

It absolutely is.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:48

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 22:22

@lurchersforever i know it’s not their responsibility to make the day special and I’ve been very clear that I don’t expect a special day. I do expect an 8 and 10 year old to be able to get a jumper from the wardrobe without attacking each other, throwing tantrums, screaming and then refusing to stop when we intervene.
I also expect them to go to their rooms and be quiet once they’re told to stop.
If they can’t do that they don’t get the privilege of doing something special.
If it escalates they go to bed.

They were parented, there was a whole load of parenting going on and they didn’t like the consequences of it.

But you're planning a two-day tantrum - why are you expecting so much from them?

Icanttakethisanymore · 27/09/2025 06:46

Happy birthday for yesterday OP! It’s my birthday today (I’m 41) my little monkeys are 2&4 and the eldest has a birthday party today so we’re going to a soft play centre. They do have a massive slide I quite like riding though 😂

Get something nice for dinner tonight and find a decent film to watch if you can’t get a babysitter. I’m not a big birthday person either but sometimes it’s hard not to get a bit down when it’s a total washout.

CrispieCake · 27/09/2025 06:44

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:42

Nope, eating cake is not abusive. Stop being disingenuous. Making a show of having a one person cake, singing "happy birthday to me" and not sharing the cake is emotional abuse. It's absolutely unhinged behaviour.

Show quote history

Maybe we're an odd family but my kid would find it hilarious.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:43

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 22:12

@BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind yes the eldest. Well behaved usually but when she does act up it’s excessive, dramatic and long - always has been.

ahem

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:42

CrispieCake · 26/09/2025 22:12

Eating cake to celebrate your birthday is not emotionally abusive 😂.

It sounds like these kids need a sharp reminder that the earth revolves around the sun, not them, and that others have needs and wishes as well.

Show quote history

Nope, eating cake is not abusive. Stop being disingenuous. Making a show of having a one person cake, singing "happy birthday to me" and not sharing the cake is emotional abuse. It's absolutely unhinged behaviour.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:39

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 22:03

@FiatLuxAdAstra my partner dealt with it- that’s already been explained.

@ithinkilikethislittlelife nice.

But he didn't though, did he? He sent them to their rooms and ignored their increasingly desperate shouts. That is not how you calm a child down, restore balance, or resolve conflict. That is awful parenting.

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