My children have ruined my birthday.

This is what we did, I mean my children were not perfect but not making everything about them helped.

Exactly. I have a 10 year old. We make a big deal
if special occasions in our house (birthdays, mothers/fathers day, job promotions, sporting achievements etc) so DS gets excited to celebrate occasions which are not about him.

This is great they are doing this, but, at the time they behaved selfishly and didnt think of the consequences their behaviour had on your bday plans

I think you need to put yourself out there a bit. I am not saying you have to act like some sort of Diva, but saying it is mums birthday on "saturday" what shall we do, i think we need to teach consideration for others rather than expecting it to come naturally.

Twice they have had a “day off” on days which are about their mother.

The bit that stuck me I saying “your whole life” is around them. It shouldn’t be. Start putting some of that energy into enriching your own life.

Children of 8 & 10 can be looked after by a local teenager.

Next celebration go it for dinner with your DH.

And they should be told firmly at the start of someone’s else’s birthday etc that taking anything away from that day isn’t acceptable

If children think everything is for their entertainment then they will act out if things are not for their entertainment.

OP said they don’t behave like this all the time.

Children are allowed to have an off day, while still learning how to regulate those emotions. I’m not sure how we would expect children to behave perfectly at that age without sometimes getting it wrong. The consequences should therefore be proportionate to the act, with the aim of helping them get those emotions back in control/ understanding how to better regulate themselves next time.

Completely agree. At this age children should be able to understand that not everything is about them.

hi OP, belated happy birthday. I totally get it.
problem is we expect kids to behave in a way and put us first on special days but sadly, their brains are not fully wired to do it all the time. there will be meltdowns and bickering and sometimes, it is just their hormones taking over.
as you said, they are usually well behaved so you will have to have a loving talk with them when things are calm and move on. sorry but even though you feel resentful at times, it is ok for things to be messy. please give yourself and them a break.
you are trying your best to raise good little people - it is what matters really.

I am not going to cheer on what is so obviously terrible parenting that is only going to push kids off the rails by the time they are 13,

Parenting that will push the kids off the rails?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 yes loving parents who give them time outs and space to calm down instesd of going out for drinks when they've behaved so badly is really what's pushing them off the 'rails'. Stop being silly lol.

I think it's really sad that some people equate good parenting with harsh punishments that don't work anyway. Then they congratulate themselves on it. I agree with @Dannydevitoiloveyourart and also think it's a weird dynamic with the partner about being the breadwinner. OP said it wouldn't be fair to put financial pressure on him for her birthday, but if he doesn't work outside the home then surely all the money OP brings in is family money and is to be used for all birthdays/treats etc of all members of the family? This is the same for all families where only one person does paid employment. That's how it worked for me before I got divorced and I was the breadwinner. Ex had no access to other money so obviously used our joint account for presents. We set budgets and it was more about the time and effort spent by him as strictly speaking I was paying, but obviously him being home was saving us money in other ways, though we split long before my dc were 8 and 10 - does your partner bring in anything, OP?

I also think all the stuff in the OP about spending time on the thinking of activities that will 'enrich' the kids, planning holidays, planning and paying for birthdays very odd. That is just basic parenting and what pretty much everyone does. Under the heading of 'children ruined my birthday,' it's odd and wrong. Children should be able to take for granted that parents want them to be happy and sort holidays and birthdays for them, ffs. Yes, throughout their childhood they should be increasingly empathetic and appreciative, but expecting them to never act out as kids and shutting them in their rooms all evening if they do, leaving you to be resentful about what you do for them is wrong.

And I don't have low standards or awful kids. Mine are 16 and 18 and (mainly!) lovely and hardworking. They forgot to get me anything for mother's day this year (first time it's happened) but came up with their own solution of cooking for me and watching a film of my choice, for example. One thing I have never done is allowed a row to go on overnight. I didn't do sending to rooms really, but once everything had calmed down I don't know why you wouldn't talk to them/have a hug and bit of a debrief and try and salvage the evening.

I think you need to start doing more "you" things , and when they start there nonsense before you are ready to leave, honestly ignore them, just get ready and stand at the door waiting on them, you might need to pre empt the nonsense and add extra time . They are doing it for a reaction.

They’re “nice” most of the time because they’re expected to be (politeness, explaining themselves calmly, speaking positively, doing basic chores). Making me a cup of tea and croissant on a random Saturday morning is going above and beyond at their age in our household. And mirrors life- when we do more than than the expected it can mean a promotion at work, going up a set at school etc.

When they’re older, cooking for the family will become an expectation and will no longer be going above and beyond. It may sound transactional but works for us.

Putting clothes on to leave the house WITHOUT a big argument and screaming and shouting is now perfect behaviour?

My god you sound like a wet wipe.

Exactly! ⬆️ Ignore their wailing, get a takeaway, open a bottle & bollock them tomorrow. 🤷‍♀️

That kind of behaviour is unacceptable any day tbh.

This is why children behave the way they do now. They got consequences because of how they behaved.

Do you think the op should have gone there there?

How is being sent to your room harsh? Jesus are you one of these gentle parenters?

It is a lesson to be learned. How do you expect children to turn into reasonable and not selfish adults, if they aren't taught that life isn't all about them and sometimes that means the attention will be on others. And that is a good thing to teach.

The op said that one of them threw a glass ffs. Hundred percent warranted a punishment. That escalation needed time out.

They have learned bad behaviour isn't rewarded. It's not like she's done anything abusive. This is actual parenting and I commend the op for not being some wishy washy there there parent.

Op deserves to have her day and her children have hopefully realised that their actions weren't on. They should be apologising to their mum with the help of the dad.

Out of curiosity, how do you treat your children when they misbehave? How would you have reacted if one had thrown a glass?

When I first started reading the op I thought you were going to say your kids were late teens and had forgot to buy you a present. 8 and 10 yo kids can be brats at the best of times, their brains are still v selfish and like all the attention on them, you think they are aware they have ruined your bday? No. Won’t have a clue. You should have just gone out as planned, sat them at the other side of the table, and ignored them, and got your Dp to buy you a big glass of wine and something lovely to eat. And then dealt with punishing your kids the day after. Get your dp to take you all out today instead and have a lovely belated birthday

Happy Birthday! You should certainly celebrate. Did you DP not help the kids make you cards and give them a few pounds each to choose you a little gift to wrap?

You sound burned out and under-appreciated, as all parents do at times.

I hope you all have a lovely day today. I wouldn’t cancel the planned day out, as it’ll prolong the punishment. Better to allow them to start afresh and be positive and happy today.

I know you don’t want parenting advice, but IME kids that age do have squabbles and you need to chivvy them along with firmness and humour, rather than big tellings off, cancelling happy family time they may have looked forward to and prolonged negativity and punishments.

With kids, it’s a storm in a teacup and it’s best not to dwell in the negative but instead move back to love, fun and happiness. Then, if necessary chat it through when they’re calmer.

Your children aren't 7 and 10 months old. Unless there's some massive drip feed about additional needs, they ought to be able to cope with going out for a bit on a Friday night! I think some people are confusing them with toddlers.