My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

this is not real friendship

it is a toxic kind of controlling relationship

you to find and assert your boundaries

why does she te shots and why are you bending backwards to try and appease her?

It is not healthy

I genuinely can’t understand why you’d want to stay friends with this self absorbed person. She sounds horrible.

Why should you be kind? This is how arseholes like her keep getting away with their behaviour as no one calls them out on it. Just tell her you can’t get over the childish, pathetic and jealous (of an 11 year old!) way she behaved last time and you think it’s best not to see each other again.

I'd give her what she wishes. So only child free meet ups? Sure your not invited into my house again.

Seriously she expects your to be invisible in her own home? Fuck that!

You don't have to end your friendship ( but she sounds like a bellend). But she can't have it both ways can she? Doesn't want to be around your child but wants to stay in your child's home?

Think about what you want. Friendship is a two way thing. Not a unconditional gift to benefit others.

But it's reasoble to say "I value our friendship but it's my daughters house snd I can't make her disappear. Neither can I ask her to not to talk to me in your presence. I'm taking your wishes on board but the only way to guarantee child free time is outside of my house". If she retracts in anyone to stay again I'd say that won't work going forward as you want to be yourselves in your safe space. Ie shed never come in my house again. Your poor girl

But that would be my very generous side.

Dump and block the narcissist and m9ve on with your life, you're too very different people.

Seriously? Op should be prioritising and nurturing this selfish, rude women to the same level as her young child?
Don't be ridiculous.
Op is already organising things outside of the home for the daughter so Ms Me-centric can get her undivided attention. Wheres the nurture for others from the 'friend'?

Yes, I have.

Her brainwashing amd psychological abuse from her grandma has deterred her from having children of her own.

It's still not an excuse to be controlling and demanding herself, and treat op's dd as if she wasn't there.

”I’m sorry but this is DDs home and I am her mother. I will not deny a part of my life for you and now she is older, she is noticing how you feel about her and it makes her feel uncomfortable in her own home. She is a child and it is my duty to protect her. So moving forwards I think it best if you don’t visit here anymore. I can still come to you, or we can book somewhere together for a weekend.”

OP... you have other friends. Get rid. She's annoyed she's not getting enough attention from you... what age is she, 5? You don't owe her friendship. You don't have to have this toxic arse in your home. You shouldn't have to be totally excluding your daughter. As PP have said.... A message saying you feel the friendship has run it's course and that you wish her well but don't think it's a good idea to continue it. AND YOU DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!!! And block her!!! Your other friends and family are right. Listen to them!!

She is ridiculous.

Also - op - m not saying that your friend is right with what she said - cos as you said - you have balanced things out as much as you can when she comes to visit with having play dates for your daughter / going out with your friend on your own etc. just wanted to offer a different perspective to you about what dynamics are like when you are all together - family will not see that as they also love your daughter equally.
anyway based on the other stuff you’ve said - it’s better you build healthier friendships -
sometimes childhood friends are built on different power plays that don’t serve us when we’re older

Has anyone commenting read the OP’s update about her friend’s upbringing?

I am in my 40s and childfree by choice. Most of my very best friends have kids, of course we talk about them, I spend time with them etc, even take them out sometimes to give their mums- who I love dearly- a break. Have to admit I do find them a bit irritating sometimes, but if you care about someone you should show interest in their kids, it’s as simple as that. Your mate is a bit shit and only wants to be friends if it’s all about here.

The child thing is a red herring. If a “friend” is cruel to a close family member the friend has to go.

I met Dh at work and was quite friendly with a more senior woman. She had been absolutely vile to Dh (and others) at work. So when Dh and I got together I could not continue the friendship as it would have been disloyal.

Hi OP — I say this for you to reflect on, as only you can answer these questions.

As an only child, your daughter will be used to your full attention, and you’re used to giving it. Could it be that when your friend visits, she feels interrupted a lot? Your daughter may also struggle to share you, so she stays close when you have company.

Speaking as a mum of three (and in a friendship circle with mums of 1–3 children), we’ve noticed that friends with one child can sometimes be so focused on them — understandably — that others feel sidelined. One of our friends with an only child often talked so much with her daughter, even at coffee meetups, that another friend once said she felt like the “extra one.” She has no idea she comes across like this.

For example, I recently walked with this friend and her daughter after a club. She invited me along, but most of the walk was her chatting with her daughter. When she did start talking to me about something- her daughter got annoyed and interrupted and the conversation went back to her.

What I’m getting at is: if you only see your friend a few times a year, do you set the expectation with your daughter that “this time is for mummy and her friend”? Or is it that both of them end up vying for your attention?

It’s not that your friend shouldn’t engage with your daughter — you’ve already accepted that as part of your friendship — but perhaps it’s worth reflecting on what the dynamic feels like for her. I also know other mums of one child who balance this really well, so it is possible to keep both relationships nurtured.

I have friends without kids. Of course they do want to see me alone some of the time (which you do) but they also take an interest in my children and remember when it’s a big day for them. Just as I would remember it’s their pet’s trip to the vet or something! Friendship is caring (or at least trying to care!) about the things your friend cares about. Honestly I would let this fizzle. But my children are non negotiables in my life. Anyone who tried to make me feel bad for their existence there simply isn’t space in my life for. It just sounds really hard work. Imagine how much time for investing in other friendships you would have if you weren’t maintaining this one.

This really. I think she’s living in cloud cuckoo land if she thinks her demands are in anyway reasonable or normal.

Your poor daughter!

There’s difference between not being interested in other people’s children (I’m generally not), and being rude to someone in their own home. I’m guessing that now your DD is 11 she wants to join in conversation a bit more, and there is nothing wrong with that. Your friend’s response is very odd- you are not her mother!
I wouldn’t have her over again unless she is going to behave herself.

I have an 11 year old and several childless friends. They are interested in my dd to different degrees, and rarely meet, but would be perfectly lovely when they did.

I couldn’t be friends with someone like this. Her behaviour is rude and unpleasant. If you want to keep the friendship, I’d only meet her away from home, and I’d tell her why, if asked.

She is deranged. I’d back off altogether tbh but if you want to continue the friendship cut it down to a couple of times a year meeting up away from your house ( I couldn’t be doing with a friend who cared for me that little that she not only felt that way about my child, but thought it was acceptable to say so)

I appreciate your friend doesn't have children of her own, but surely she can't be THAT clueless, to think she's going to have your undivided attention???!!! It's not realistic, on any level. Unless your child, spends a week visiting a relative, when your friend visits, then it's never going to happen. Your daughter is a person, not something to be shoved away, because your friend dislikes her presence!!! The absolute audacity of the woman!!! You clearly try to make 1:1 time with your friend, when she visits, but this isn't enough according to your friend. She doesn't have to like children, that's her choice, but to show utter contempt towards your daughter in your home, is unbelievable!!! Sorry, but your friendship is no longer compatible, and your friend isn't very pleasant. I'd be stepping back....

Sorry Best friend, my judgement has been clouded because I love you. You can’t stay with me and treat my child like a second class citizen. She deserves better. Unless you can change your attitude, I can’t allow it. You don’t have to love her. But you are actively mean to her too, I can’t allow it.

Sounds like she had a really tough time, growing up. Sounds like she is jealous, not of you for having a child but of your daughter for having a mother who loves her and doesn’t see her as a burden. It sounds like she could really do with some therapy.

I wouldn’t have her to stay again.
if you still want to meet up I would suggest overnight in a hotel halfway between where the 2 of you live and twice a year only.

urgh no i’m childfree. But i love my friends kids. We have a great relationship but then i see them more often

Im aware that not everyone likes children but she was in your and your child’s home. She is rude and out of order.