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My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

217 replies

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 22:39

My BF has never had children. I have one aged 11. We are both married, live in different cities and have maintained long distance friendship for a couple of decades. We visit each other (4 times a year, taking turns) but she always tells me off when she comes to stay with me, saying that I am not paying her enough attention, even although I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there. I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner. When we were alone she spontaneously brought up the subject and told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome. I was devastated and said at the time that I didn’t agree, but waited until I felt calm I order to have a conversation at our next meet up a few months later. I told her that I felt stressed and torn when she came to stay and I didn’t want to meet up at my house anymore as it was too upsetting. She said she had noticed there was a strained atmosphere but didn’t think it was so bad. She felt that I should be able to give my full attention to her when she was visiting and that she did not enjoy talking to me if my daughter was there. She said she had nothing to apologise for and neither did I, but I felt like she did think I should be sorry. I am trying to see this from her perspective but it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me. I don’t want our friendship to be over but I don’t actually like her right now. How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?

OP posts:
WetHair · 17/09/2025 09:31

I’m child free by choice and awkward around children, though I quite like them in small doses. I’d much prefer to see you alone. BUT I’d make an effort if your child was present and I certainly wouldn’t want to make her feel excluded or uncomfortable in her own home. I have godchildren of various ages and always take them gifts, try and talk to them in their level, and so on. I hope among other things that as they get older and I find them easier to engage with we will keep a relationship into their adulthoods. And anyway, I’m good friend with their parents and I can’t imagine how you’d call yourself a friend and not be interested in the biggest thing in their lives - their children.

Tessasanderson · 17/09/2025 09:30

She sounds bloody horrible. Unless you are not giving a full picture then just get rid of her. Thats not a friend.

Your daughter has every right to be spoken to in a civil manner and not intentionally ignored.

As i say, unless there are big chunks being missed out, just get rid of this so called friend

Bedheadbeachbum · 17/09/2025 09:27

She's an unreasonable spoilt brat and your 11 year old is probably leaps and bounds ahead of her in maturity quite frankly.

But her presence in your life has brought value to you as you said and we all have friends and family who are batshit in at least one area of life.

I agree with others about moving her to your outer perimeter of friendship but I find it hard to break with people if they've been good in my life. Maybe you need to think hard about how to see her without your daughter - perhaps you'd see her less frequently at a time when your DH or family can babysit her.

Bottom line, if you do keep seeing her, don't have your daughter there. I have a friend who told me my toddler DS was 'a bit much' so I see her without him.

Also, how many friends have we all lost once we had kids? Happens all the time, your friend is unusually obnoxious to stick around to say how she actually feels about children!

lavendermilkshake · 17/09/2025 09:27

I'm sure we have had a thread about this child from the point of view of the friend not that long ago...

Goldbar · 17/09/2025 09:18

Essentially, if she can't treat your child nicely, then she can't be around your child. So the visits to your home have to stop at the very minimum.

WhiskyintheJarr · 17/09/2025 09:15

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 08:18

It’s four times a year. I don’t think the child is going to suffer irreparable harm from this. Could be an opportunity to teach the child some compassion too. “Mary wasn’t as lucky as you growing up, she didn’t have a mummy who loves her so that’s why she is like she is”.

Edited

No I’m sorry but I’m fed up of being urged to pander to arseholes like this. My daughter comes first. No one is treating her like that in her own home while her mother smiles politely through it.

LittleBitofBread · 17/09/2025 09:11

Wow, she's behaving really badly.
One of my dear friends (also long-ish distance) has a child who, frankly, I find a pain in the arse. Doesn't listen to my friend and then gets cross when things go predictably wrong, talks over adults and cries/strops if mildly rebuked by friend for it, makes us late for things because of taking ages to get ready…
But she's a very good friend of long standing, and I know her child's behaviour is at least partially down to things like disruption in early childhood and likely neurodivergence. I would not dream of trying to exclude her child or of demanding 100% attention on visits.
Sorry OP but I don't honk she's a good friend at all.

GeorgeSmiley1969 · 17/09/2025 09:09

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 22:57

Thank you. All of your replies are in keeping with what my husband, my mum, my friends and my grown up niece have said, albeit less bluntly 😂 My BF does have serious issues and has had years of counselling, she is a much easier person now than 20 years ago, I admit that I have gained a lot from feeling needed and important to her. She is my oldest friend and we became close at a time when I was very isolated and vulnerable. I have made many good friends over time and have no other toxic relationships, but I somehow feel I have failed if I let her go.

I thought when reading your opening post that your BF might have "serious issues".

She is clearly very needy and immature so I wouldn't feel any guilt about moving her to the outer circles of friendship or binning her altogether if she can't accept this.

middleagedandinarage · 17/09/2025 09:08

MCF86 · 16/09/2025 22:50

One of my best friends has zero interest in children, is quite awkward around them and takes no pleasure in their company. So the two of us with kids just see her without them when possible. We don't expect her to pretend to enjoy their company or come to their birthday parties, and she doesn't expect us to drop them for her for days at a time. She'll come to big gatherings they're at but won't meet one on "one plus kids" for example.

But all that said, she would also never be rude to them! If she showed that lack of respect when she did see them (talking over and resenting sharing my attention), she wouldn't be my friend.

Exactly this! I can actually understand how your friend feels, especially if she's child free. Before i had my own dc I hated meeting friends with their kids and I honestly think if until you have your own you don't get it but I would of just kept myself out of the situation, I certainly wouldn't of been so rude to your child or you in your house!
Going forward I would suggest that you won't be able to meet her/her come to you as often now as you don't think it works for anyone her coming to yours and you can't be leaving your child 4 times a year to meet her so maybe cut to twice yearly meetings where you meet somewhere in the middle.

SallySuperTrooper · 17/09/2025 09:04

xsquared · 17/09/2025 08:27

OP could also teach her dd what boundaries look like, and not be a people pleaser by explaining.

"Just because Mary didn't have a loving mummy when she was a child, it doesn't mean that you have to let her disrespect you in your own home"

You can be compassionate without being a doormat.

100% this posters who are saying op and the dd must 'be kind, keep letting this woman come to your home and be awful to you...its nice of you' are batshit.

Toesy · 17/09/2025 09:03

Your loyalty should be to your child.
What an awful woman to inflict on your child.
I really hope you will put her in her place and not have her near your child again.

Phobiaphobic · 17/09/2025 09:01

There's no excuse to be rude or unkind to a child, but I do feel a bit sorry for your friend. You can't have the same kind of interaction with a child around. You can't talk about serious adult topics, and if you're not into kids, interacting with them can get pretty boring. I know adults who insist on taking their kids to adult social events and it pisses everyone off.

That said, you've made a lot of effort to have alone time with your friend. I think she misses you, so credit to you for that.

NeedyDenimQuail · 17/09/2025 08:40

You’re trying to put yourself in her shoes, but she isn’t doing the same for you. That’s not fair.

TiggyTomCat · 17/09/2025 08:35

She can't accept you are both on different planets right now. She is being controlling and unreasonable and you should step back from this friendship.

kimonok · 17/09/2025 08:28

An adult who gets jealous of an 11 year old doesn't sound like the kind of friend you need in your life.

xsquared · 17/09/2025 08:27

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 08:18

It’s four times a year. I don’t think the child is going to suffer irreparable harm from this. Could be an opportunity to teach the child some compassion too. “Mary wasn’t as lucky as you growing up, she didn’t have a mummy who loves her so that’s why she is like she is”.

Edited

OP could also teach her dd what boundaries look like, and not be a people pleaser by explaining.

"Just because Mary didn't have a loving mummy when she was a child, it doesn't mean that you have to let her disrespect you in your own home"

You can be compassionate without being a doormat.

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 08:18

WhiskyintheJarr · 17/09/2025 08:16

God this. Who cares. Shes treated an 11 year old terribly.

It’s four times a year. I don’t think the child is going to suffer irreparable harm from this. Could be an opportunity to teach the child some compassion too. “Mary wasn’t as lucky as you growing up, she didn’t have a mummy who loves her so that’s why she is like she is”.

Crucible · 17/09/2025 08:17

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 23:04

4 times a year, yes. It is exact because she decided this is what was required. She has always been very demanding and controlling because of her own issues. This behaviour has improved over the years and I have better boundaries now. I’m just not sure if I am able to enjoy our friendship anymore, but how do I tell her that in a kind way?

You dont tell her in a kind way! I'd tell her straight - she appears to have no problem.being utterly rude to your daughter and you. What must your daughter be thinking?

WhiskyintheJarr · 17/09/2025 08:16

xsquared · 17/09/2025 07:53

Yes, I have.

Her brainwashing amd psychological abuse from her grandma has deterred her from having children of her own.

It's still not an excuse to be controlling and demanding herself, and treat op's dd as if she wasn't there.

God this. Who cares. Shes treated an 11 year old terribly.

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 17/09/2025 08:15

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 08:11

Does no one think this woman deserves even a smidgen of compassion over her loveless and motherless upbringing? Mumsnet amazes me sometimes.

She can have compassion without the OP setting her child aside in her own home surely? What she can't have is everything her own way over the OPs desires. Friendship isn't a public duty or voluntary work. It's got to be enjoyable for both.

Like sex. You shouldn't just give it out of kindness 😜

Katiesaidthat · 17/09/2025 08:14

Greypuff · 16/09/2025 22:44

She wouldn’t be my best friend anymore. She sounds like a bitch. No way would I allow
someone to treat my child that way in my house. What are you thinking?!

This with bells on. Who does she thinks she is? And why don´t you want this "friendship" to be over. Someone who doesn´t treat me or especially my daughter with respect would be out of my life before you could say JackRobinson!

TheaBrandt1 · 17/09/2025 08:12

She’s been given far too much already by the op - at her young dds expense 🙄

BunnyLake · 17/09/2025 08:12

I’d distance myself from her, she sounds incredibly self centred and needy (and rude). I have a friend who would bring her teenage daughter out with us and I must admit it would make me (silently) sigh, but I would never say anything as I knew it wouldn’t land well (because that kind of conversation never would).

I have kids myself and if someone said that to me I would not be seeing much of them again (or at all).

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 08:11

Does no one think this woman deserves even a smidgen of compassion over her loveless and motherless upbringing? Mumsnet amazes me sometimes.

TheaBrandt1 · 17/09/2025 08:08

Also your Dd is not a toddler she will realise what you are doing in prioritising this horrible person over her and will begin to judge you. Hard.