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Original poster

To ask for child maintenance in these circumstances?

56 replies

UnaskedQuestion · 10/09/2025 05:24

My ex and I separated around 2 years ago. We have one child together and are generally amicable.

He's never been brilliant with money although he earns a fairly decent wage. When we first separated I didn't ask him for any money to allow him to pay for somewhere to rent and get set up a home where our son could stay with him otherwise he wouldn't have been able to afford to move out.

Fast forward to now and we're both happy with new partners. He has our son 1 night in the week plus every other weekend (so 4 nights a fortnight). He also picks him up from school 4 days a week and spends an hour or so with him. This was originally to fit around my work (so I do morning drop offs as he works then) but I'm currently on maternity leave so it's just for them to spend time together at present. He more often than not gives him tea these nights. The arrangement has worked well and we've both been flexible when required.

Money wise he pays for half of his swimming lessons (so about £15 a month). I get all school uniform but if I ask him he will usually pay half (though this year he's so far said he can't afford to send it yet).

That's a lot of background but it paints a picture of our arrangement and how it works. So I have him the majority of the time but he is an involved dad.

The issue is, things are really tight at the minute. I'm in my overdraft every month. My ex also claims things are tight for him too, and yet I found out he's got back from his fourth holiday this year (second time abroad) when he went to an expensive area for a week in the summer holidays (due to his partner working in a school). They went away in abroad earlier in the year and he took our son to Cornwall for a week too (which I'm grateful for, he loved it). He also seems to make other reasonably flashy purchases (game consoles etc) which he downplays but they could be second hand etc. I don't pry into his spending at all.

My partner thinks my ex is playing on my soft side by claiming he's skint all the time. My partner has similar amount of access to his child with his ex and set up maintenance payments without complaint and without her asking because he said it's just the right thing to do. It bothers him that he pays out happily for his child but we're also struggling as we're financially supporting my child too (we live together hence finances being linked). It's not fair to say it's none of his business what the arrangement is between my ex and I because he is currently picking up the financial shortfall for my son which he genuinely doesn't mind. But on principle I'm not sure if it's fair?

I know I'm entitled to child maintenance based on the online calculator and my partner thinks I should ask my ex for payments, even if it's less than the calculator suggests. I feel like I'm being greedy rocking the boat when we have an amicable arrangement even though genuinely money is a worry keeping me up at night.

What's the right thing to do here?

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 10/09/2025 07:13

Before you rock the boat, what are the consequences likely to be & will it be better for DS?

  1. Will ex push for 50:50, which is likely to be disruptive for DS & presumably not what you want.
  2. If ex stopped picking him up from school, then (after Mat Leave), what would be the cost of After School Care? Could be £10 to £15 per day, so you’d be no better off.

I think rather than going to CMS, you should sit down & discuss with ex first. He should definitely be giving you half of all uniform & clothing costs. But if he gives him tea say twice a week, then except for actually sleeping at ex’s that’s the equivalent of 6 days per fortnight. I appreciate that CMS only counts actual overnights.

My other point is that your new partner needs to keep out of your parenting arrangements. Just because he pays support for his child doesn’t give him the right to sabotage your co-parenting relationship. Maybe he feels guilty that although he pays more for his child, he sees them less. Maybe he’s jealous that you have a good relationship with ex and see him pretty much every day and is metaphorically marking his territory. I’ve seen this happen before.

RhaenysRocks · 10/09/2025 07:12

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 07:03

Can be a lot more than £20 week in some cases.
I wonder who decided he would pick up the child after school 4 nights but not have him sleep over.
If we're honest many RP's limit overnight contact to preserve their maintenance and benefit payments (obviously not the OP as she isn't claiming)

Show quote history

Id love to see your figures on that. Id say there's just as many of us working ft, not in receipt of benefits and would bloody love to share the load. I have no idea why any decent parent would resent providing financial support to their child. The whole "she gets her nails done" thing I suppose, as though RPs should not be allowed any headroom at all to spend a portion of their own money on themselves if it freed up by the other parent providing adequate support.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/09/2025 07:12

Before you rock the boat I’d work out how much 4 nights a week of afterschool club would cost, and how you would manage that, if he decides that he’ll pay CMS but stop helping out.

sociallydistained · 10/09/2025 07:09

OP I'm shocked you've let him get away with this for so long! What a piss taker. What job does he do? Put in the CMS claim immediately.

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 07:03

Zanatdy · 10/09/2025 06:55

Yeah as £20 odd a week goes a long way to raising a child doesn’t it. Most NRP pay very little towards the real cost of raising a child, and many of those that do begrudge it massively.

Show quote history

Can be a lot more than £20 week in some cases.
I wonder who decided he would pick up the child after school 4 nights but not have him sleep over.
If we're honest many RP's limit overnight contact to preserve their maintenance and benefit payments (obviously not the OP as she isn't claiming)

RhaenysRocks · 10/09/2025 07:01

Dancingdance · 10/09/2025 06:09

Within 2 years you’ve split up with your son’s dad, met someone else, moved him into your son’s home, got pregnant and given birth? And you only need CM now that you have had another child? Your son must be so confused.

None of that is relevant to the q the op is asking. OP....very simple. Open a CMS case and get your child's money. It's not you being greedy or grabby it's what HE is entitled to from HIS dad. It's overnights per week that count in the calculation, so after school pick ups are irrelevant. Please just do it, this is your son's money.

Coconutter24 · 10/09/2025 06:59

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/09/2025 05:53

It’s been two years and both parents have moved on and you’ve had a baby?!

Given he takes your son after school four days a week I think you probably wouldn’t get much, but also it looks dicey that you just had a baby and are only now asking for support.

Edited

He could pick the child up 7 days a week for tea and it would make no difference to child maintenance, it’s overnight stays that count.

Nameeechanged · 10/09/2025 06:59

arcticpandas · 10/09/2025 06:16

Maybe that's what the OP wants? So the child has equal time with both his parents.

Show quote history

Maybe she does - I know I’ve fought for my son to see his dad more, but it’s still a consideration that she may come out of this situation with the same money and less time with her child, so as such worth pointing out.

Zanatdy · 10/09/2025 06:55

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 06:31

Maybe but I expect she's getting the child related benefits towards his upkeep too.
RP's are sometimes oblivious to extra help they get that NRP's don't

Show quote history

Yeah as £20 odd a week goes a long way to raising a child doesn’t it. Most NRP pay very little towards the real cost of raising a child, and many of those that do begrudge it massively.

northernballer · 10/09/2025 06:50

God why do women feel like men are doing them a favour when they are just paying for the kids they created? Of course he should either pay or have him 50/50.

CommissarySushi · 10/09/2025 06:49

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 06:43

He has his son for 8 nights a month. Every other weekend and a night in the week. I expect if he did go 50/50 she would be sharing her child benefits either

Show quote history

Sharing child benefit is separate issue. Do you think her ex shouldn't pay his fair share for their son?

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 06:43

CommissarySushi · 10/09/2025 06:34

Well, of course, she should be getting child benefit. Why would the non-resident parent get it, when he only has his son four nights a month and for an hour after school?

Show quote history

He has his son for 8 nights a month. Every other weekend and a night in the week. I expect if he did go 50/50 she would be sharing her child benefits either

CommissarySushi · 10/09/2025 06:34

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 06:31

Maybe but I expect she's getting the child related benefits towards his upkeep too.
RP's are sometimes oblivious to extra help they get that NRP's don't

Show quote history

Well, of course, she should be getting child benefit. Why would the non-resident parent get it, when he only has his son four nights a month and for an hour after school?

ReplacementBusService · 10/09/2025 06:34

pinotnow · 10/09/2025 06:01

What on earth am i reading here - OP and first two responses? It's not remotely difficult - of course he should be paying. I had to read it back to check, but he pays nothing apart from half (half! I mean he could have at least paid the full amount!) of his swimming lessons, a few teas and minimal overnights.

It is entirely irrelevant what holidays he goes on, what consoles he buys and that you've had a baby and how that 'looks'. Or it will be to the CMS. I agree it will be awkward to raise it with him now as he must be assuming he'll never have to pay - tough! He should have had the decency to sort it out himself years ago.

I'm not surprised your dh is pissed off, but then this really should have been sorted long ago, and definitely before you had more kids.

Edit: For some reason I thought you had split 4 years ago. Post still stands except he hasn't had 'years' to sort it, but still should have done it by now!

Edited

All of this. I nearly spat out my coffee.

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 06:31

CommissarySushi · 10/09/2025 06:24

Unlikely. It doesn't sound like he'd be up for the extra costs of having his ds for the majority. Or even 50/50, considering he thinks it's acceptable for his contribution to be £7 for swimming lessons.

Edited
Show quote history

Maybe but I expect she's getting the child related benefits towards his upkeep too.
RP's are sometimes oblivious to extra help they get that NRP's don't

CommissarySushi · 10/09/2025 06:24

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 06:22

Maybe he'll offer to have the child overnight on the 4 nights he picks him up from school as well as every other weekend. Then she can pay maintenance instead.
She can see how easy life as an NRP is then

Show quote history

Unlikely. It doesn't sound like he'd be up for the extra costs of having his ds for the majority. Or even 50/50, considering he thinks it's acceptable for his contribution to be £7 for swimming lessons.

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 06:22

Zanatdy · 10/09/2025 06:08

What? Totally incorrect. It’s based on numbers of overnights. He should be helping with costs of child having a roof over his head, food in his belly etc.

Show quote history

Maybe he'll offer to have the child overnight on the 4 nights he picks him up from school as well as every other weekend. Then she can pay maintenance instead.
She can see how easy life as an NRP is then

1234512345Meh · 10/09/2025 06:22

I’d usually advise to go for everything you’re entitled to and he definitely should be contributing some more ££ in spite of pick ups.

As he does the 4 pick ups, I’d have a think… ‘full’ CMS doesn’t factor in pick ups and they can actually be v helpful (for you and your son)…

  1. Would a CMS claim impact the arrangements you have? Ie would ex say he wants more overnights and fewer pick ups (to reduce what he owes)?
  2. Would you/your son be happy with that?
  3. Does your school have good wraparound care and/or what would this cost should you need this when you go back to work? (4 pick ups is ‘worth’ £60 a week where my kids are)
  4. What would you get from CMS? Ie, if you’d get £300 from CMS but would have to pay for after school club x 4 a week, I might be tempted to ask him for £150 instead as I’d value my son maintaining that relationship and wouldn’t ‘see’ all the £300 anyway…
PenelopeChipShop · 10/09/2025 06:21

He definitely should be paying it - he has got off lightly so far. If you have children you don’t live with, you pay the parent who is caring for them to help with the expense. That is totally standard. It’s good that he’s an involved dad but that doesn’t somehow excuse him only paying £15 a month towards his child when he works!! Honestly the bar is so low for men!!!

arcticpandas · 10/09/2025 06:16

Nameeechanged · 10/09/2025 06:12

Would this push his dad into asking for 50/50? If he is involved and is having him for tea anyway, if you said you were struggling would he not just say I’ll keep him during those times? I’d be careful about pushing it as I wouldn’t want to rock the boat and risk losing more time with my child myself.

Maybe that's what the OP wants? So the child has equal time with both his parents.

Gingernessy · 10/09/2025 06:15

FlowersandElephants · 10/09/2025 06:06

Having his son for tea a few night a week makes no difference to CM. They’re only interested in how many overnights a year a child is with their other parent.

Show quote history

But it should make a difference.
Many RP's are happy to let the NRP pick up and provide tea during the week but draw the line at overnight stays because it cuts their money.

sesquipedalian · 10/09/2025 06:13

“I know I'm entitled to child maintenance based on the online calculator”

So you should be getting it - it’s not money for you, it’s for your DC. It’s very easy for your ex-DH to be “amicable” when things are going his way, and we can all plead poverty when we don’t want to pay for something. Your DH is right: his child is his responsibility - I’d go through the CMS and get it sorted.

Nameeechanged · 10/09/2025 06:12

Would this push his dad into asking for 50/50? If he is involved and is having him for tea anyway, if you said you were struggling would he not just say I’ll keep him during those times? I’d be careful about pushing it as I wouldn’t want to rock the boat and risk losing more time with my child myself.

Dancingdance · 10/09/2025 06:09

Within 2 years you’ve split up with your son’s dad, met someone else, moved him into your son’s home, got pregnant and given birth? And you only need CM now that you have had another child? Your son must be so confused.

Zanatdy · 10/09/2025 06:08

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/09/2025 05:53

It’s been two years and both parents have moved on and you’ve had a baby?!

Given he takes your son after school four days a week I think you probably wouldn’t get much, but also it looks dicey that you just had a baby and are only now asking for support.

Edited

What? Totally incorrect. It’s based on numbers of overnights. He should be helping with costs of child having a roof over his head, food in his belly etc.