To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

I think these are excellent results but it isn’t about what I think or you think - it is about him. He will learn an important lesson about the work required to get the results he wants and really doesn’t need any ‘I told you so’ comments. At 16 he is a young adult and responsible his own choices.

id be inclined to let the dust settle then ask how he’s feeling about a levels. LISTEN and empathise, act as a coach re how things could work differently rather than telling him - he will know.

I think you’re doing all the right things but from now on I wouldn’t bother mentioning your older son when talking about your younger’s results or future plans. This is about his life and no one in his future life Looking at his achievements will know or care about his brother’s results so it’s not relevant at this stage of his life. I wonder if in an effort to celebrate their differences (I don’t want two DS1s etc) you might have accidentally painted DS 2 as different ie the less academic or hardworking one and he’s somewhat living up to that. You can switch that up from now on by saying things more along the lines of “if you really go for it there’s no limit to what you can achieve at sixth form”.

"To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?"

I'm not sure that assigning blame is particularly helpful at this point

You sound like a great Mum OP - some of these situations are so difficult to navigate!

Completely understand why you're tempted to say he should have worked harder if he wanted the higher grades - I would be the same.

I liked the earlier poster who suggested asking him what 'he' plans to do differently to get what he wants for A Levels, and what support 'he' might want/like/need from you to help with that. That says it all, without actually saying it...

I feel the same way about DD and her A level results. She got Bs. She was predicted and expected As but she did not frankly put in the level of work to deserve that. I warned her that if she spent all her time hanging out with her friends and boyfriend she can’t expect top grades and here we are. It is a choice that she made and she has to bear the consequences. I have not said anything directly. I have told her I am proud of her and will always love her and it’s true but I expect she knows that I am thinking ‘told you so.’ I don’t think this is on me although I feel awful about it and seeing her so disappointed. She is also taking no steps to make a plan B. I feel I have to step back at this point as she is an adult now and has to own her own decisions. Honestly I do genuinely just want her to be happy but I feel a hard lesson has been learned that you have to work for things that you want. I think if I have been guilty of anything it’s trying to do too much for them and they’ve had too much on a plate. DD is the eldest so at least there was nothing to compare to. DS is lazier still so I doubt we will have to contend with anyone getting much better grades.

You’re always going to feel you could have done more as a mum. I think waiting for it to settle and then see how he feels it sounds like it might be the kick up the bum before A levels that he needs. Good luck and remember that you can’t be a perfect parent either so give yourself a break about not getting through to him earlier.

I would step back and give the kid a bit of time to feel his feelings. It just happened! He’s only 16 and learning a valuable life lesson. It’s natural that he might blame you, even though it’s clearly not your fault. That’s just standard teenage behaviour. He’s a CHILD.

I was devastated at my (very good) GCSE results because I knew I could’ve done better. I knew the results were mostly my fault, but I also felt my parents could have done more to help me. They thought leaving me to it was the right approach. Doesn’t really matter who’s right as what’s done is done.

Definitely don’t tell him he should’ve put more work in - he knows that even if he doesn’t admit it. I would let things settle down, and then maybe have a chat about how he’d like you to support him through A Levels.

From where I’m sitting it sounds like you did a great job and offered help that was declined. I have one driven child and one more relaxed, so I totally get where you’re coming from, but you can only do so much. It’s up to him to take the help that’s offered…

The bigger issue here isn't the academic achievement or even work ethic - both sound fine. It's that the OP describes him as stubborn and "resistant to input", which is ultimately going to limit what he can achieve and how effectively he works, because he won't take advice from others.

I learnt through experience of having two teens that you absolutely cannot 'make' them revise or work harder at school. It is down to them. If they really don't want to do something then they won't. You can of course love them, be kind to them and parent them but offering support and advice to 16 year olds about school is pretty tough at times!

The results are still very fresh in his mind and he will need time for them to settle before he truly appreciates how well he has actually done! I think you've done a great job OP; like you say, there's no bloody teen manual - we're all winging it as parents aren't we!

He will move on from this and it could actually be a good learning experience for him and make him push himself to achieve higher grades if that is what he wants to do.

Yes. And don’t think that ds1 won’t repeat such conversations to ds2 because he will behind your back. So ds2 will know exactly what you’re thinking and feeling. Poor kid.

Oh gosh it's so hard. My parents were hands off; given what my teachers said every parents evening, I underachieved. In a way I guess I would have liked more discipline, but I think this a classic case of 'hindsight' and you can't say how I would have behaved had that been in place.

My DH is like your DS1 and is already setting up my DS with a serious work ethic - 'This is what I had to do; you aren't battling your score but your peers. You have to go over and above if you want the best grades.' etc. etc. It's a tight rope between pressure and explosion; the extreme end of kids I've known (who've reacted badly to that pressure) is suicide and sectioning.

I think you should avoid losing your temper and practise acknowledge, move on, learn ad infinitum.

'I'm sorry you've ended up disappointed. We can't change what's happened but we can ensure this isn't repeated. We will support you again, should you want that. There's nothing stopping you getting amazing A-levels and university place but your own mindset.'

Very similar sibling situation. My son is highly competitive and driven, insanely intelligent, achieved all 9s in iGSCEs and 3 A*s in A level and now doing Bio Chemistry at uni. Daughter is intelligent but not of the same calibre and she knows it. Everything comes easy for him but she has to work to achieve..and she does. Got all 9s and 8s at iGCSEs and 3As last week at A level. I never compare them, I never say oh why can you be like your brother etc but I’ve never done this even as little children. They’re each their own person and we’re all different. I’m sure your son is only too aware that he could have done better and I’d be inclined to point this out as I think it’s a learning point…often you get what you put in? Say it once and then don’t keep bringing it up. Sit down and discuss his options. Just be aware that there is quite a jump from gcse to A level and if he struggled with one, he won’t find it easy at the nx level. I’ve always told my kids that if they’re not good at something or haven’t tried hard enough, I’d tell them..but it’s done out of love and wanting them to do better not to hurt their self esteem and feelings. After all, I’m their mum and I love them more than life itself so if I can’t tell them, no one will..

So he got more than enough to go to college / 6th form, which is great news and something to be proud of. Plus these are fab results. It’s only his brothers from 3 years ago that are pouring water in them. Tell him how proud you are, remind him he has done so well. This is a day for celebration not reflecting.

@coffeerevelsrule i think you’ve done a great job!

so many people on here desperate to say you’re comparing him to DS1 when you’re only adding context. So much projection going on!

enjoy the takeaway!

He will very likely end up doing as well, if not better, in life than his brother. Super high achievers don't necessarily always continue on that way throughout life. I am reminded of my college friend and I. She was always top of the year, won every prize going, etc. I was more mediocre-I still got a 1st but I wasn't as outstanding a student and I just didn't work as hard. One would assume that she would be much further in her career than I am. I assumed that she would be. She isn't. We are in similar fields and I am about three levels of seniority above her.

Totally agree!

You have my sympathies OP. My DC1 is like your DC1 - incredibly bright, hardworking and strategic. Graduated last year from a top university with a 1st and now got a good job, with trips abroad etc.

I always felt sorry for DC2 following in DC1s footsteps, although DC2 did work very hard and came out with 3 x B at A-Level and is now a student. DC2 had terrible anxiety all through school. Just after completing A-Levels, a random conversation made me realize that DC2 was dyslexic (confirmed a few months later with a formal assessment). About a year after that, DC2 was really struggling with some aspects of uni life and it dawned on me that they probably had ADHD (now formally diagnosed). DC2 had a very rough ride at school - following in the absolutely brilliant footsteps of DC1 and struggling with undiagnosed and untreated dyslexia and ADHD. Poor thing!

Stop comparing him to your other child, just because one of your children is off to Oxford with 30 A's doesn't mean he is in any way better than your 16 year old who just got his GCSE's. The most successful people I know did not do great in their GCSE's, some didn't even go to university. Your son feels how he feels because how you are acting, you clearly put a lot of focus on getting top marks. Your son's grades are actually good, he's living in his brother's shadow and you really aren't helping by seeming to only value 9's. You are basically saying "look how well I did with my eldest child, my youngest child clearly didn't work hard as the other one did so well,". Your son should be proud of his achievements, you sound awful to be honest.

Your son is moving towards adulthood, if you want this to be an opportunity for him to grow, perhaps model that in bringing him into a more adult conversation. Tell him you are unsure of how to respond as you have always had it mind not to compare your children (which by the way I think is a good strategy unless you want your children to dislike one another) however you wonder if you have done the right thing? Let him think through the impact for himself of having an older brother who is both very able and hardworking and a mother who loves both.

You can also tell him you are a little frustrated and whilst you don't wish to give him a hard time when he is already doing that to himself - you feel you offered advice and support but it wasn't taken up, ask him what he thinks you could have done differently?

This way you are letting him know you want an honest conversation going forward - not be a nagging parent stuck in rinse and repeat mode but to be a supportive parent who will help but also needs an invitation. He can use this opportunity to learn a different approach. He has good people in his corner but he has to figure out what he needs if he wants a different outcome.

Did you even read OP’s posts?

Good advice. You need to take a coaching approach. ‘If you’re happy what do you feel went wrong? What will you do differently?’ How can I support that?

I told you so will not help either of you. Think it, don’t say it!

Wow, comparing him to his older brother!

I used to get my brothers achievements rammed down my throat, so I never tried. As it happens I achieved a much more successful career than he did, in spite of all his exam results. Give the lad a break!

His results are amazing, today is not the day for a post mortem.. DH has tried the same here and I'm not happy.. today is about celebrating what he got and not what he could have got. It must be so hard having a very high achieving sibling.

If every child in the country got 90% the grade boundaries for a 9 would be something like 99% .. not every child can get all 9s.

He may have not worked as hard as he could (I found mine face down asleep on a past paper and it wasn't from overwork!!) but today is about what he got not about looking at revision technique, emotions are too high and comments about disappointment stick for a long time.