To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

Is the young of this country losing courage and desire to be ambitious. Not too many jobs with equally good pay for all graduates...

Those results are not shit.

At that age they focus on others who did get higher grades and compare themselves.

Amazed at people saying a 6/ B is awful 🤯

You obviously haven’t read any of OP’s posts.

For heavens sake, your younger son has achieved extremely good marks, even if they're not topping his older brother's. Give him a huge hug, open a bottle of something you enjoy, and congratulate and celebrate.

The results that sting the most are the ones you know could have been different.

I'm the "high achiever" and did well in my GCSEs but things unravelled in my a levels where I spent most of two years fighting depression, anxiety, anorexia, bulimia and self harm. I clung on to decent grades for the first year but the rails came off in the second year. I got the grades I needed to get on the course I wanted but seeing that collection of Ds alongside my As and Bs from the first year I knew the results didn't reflect what might have been. In the fullness of time I know the fact I made it through that time alive and with hope for what the future might hold was a blooming miracle. I got on the course I wanted I achieved a 1st class degree and went on to get a PhD too but the days after the results seeing the scores knowing what might have been stung and it took a few days and weeks to see that what had still managed was pretty marvellous!

He doesn't need grand speeches or plans he needs time to be a little disappointed of what might have been, be proud of what the results are and be positive about what the future might offer him

I had one ‘disappointing’ GCSE result (a C with all the rest higher). I was a bit fed up at the time but quite quickly got really interested in the subject because I could see that, unlike some of the others where I felt a decent vocabulary and an ability to structure an argument allowed me to blag my way through, there was no way of bullshitting my way to high attainment. It gave me a real sense of the subject’s inherent value, and once I had this I became really motivated to work at it.

It was my best A level grade and has also been my career as well as a rich source of interest, enjoyment, and as a fairly lazy high-achiever an area where I taught myself to work hard with sustained focus.

My parents were never anything but proud of our results, and generally kept out of it and helped or have opinions when we asked.

dunno if any of that helps but I think you’re handling things well. Just try to show him that you have absolute faith in his ability to work out how he wants to handle things/proceed - be present and loving and respect his own ownership of his study.

When i say "blame this" of course I mean nothing at all because DS2 results appear to be very good.

Chances are he could end up making more money than DS1 in future anyway

DS1's attitude to this will be obvious to his brother and isn't helping at all. You and your husband need a serious chat with him as he doesn't seem aware of the effect he could be having on DS's confidence.

Let him feel his feelings no need for I told you so when someone already feels crap. Let him sulk it out. Say sorry you feel that way and leave him be

He’s done very well on his own merit! Don’t compare him to his brother that’s not realistic , they will have many differing talents personal to them in life not just exam grades.
Grand scheme of things.. be proud of achievements in differing shapes and forms.

This is the right type of thing to say. It is his ‘fault’ that he has grades lower than he’d like, as he had capacity to work harder and chose not to - but he has to say that, not you! Your job is to hold the mirror up and be his support / cheerleader.

Some kids take a day or 2 to process their results.

Sometimes trying to give advice isn't the right thing to do if its the wrong timing.

Your DS1 is the one you should lose patience with though for trying to blame this on you. Maybe have a word with him about misogyny and parenting

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so.
DS1 needs to stay in his own lane really. He may have a completely different personality and motivation from his brother.
It's great that he is so driven and able but it isn't up to him to be commenting on what you and DS2 should be doing. He may unintentionally be making his brother feel second rate.
I would be talking to DS1 and telling him that, while you are very proud of him academic achievement isn't the only thing of value and his brother needs to know that he has done very well and to find his own way. He's verging on getting out of order to imply that you have let your younger son down.
As for the younger son, let the dust settle, keep saying that these are very respectable results and focus on the future.

I would just say, I think those are brilliant results, I'm proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. If he's still not happy then just say well look you have the chance to do even better in your A Levels, maybe chat to your teachers about what you could do to get higher next time. No point dissecting what happened here - he's beating himself up enough!

OP, I mean this kindly - it sounds very much like he is going down the road of “it’s everyone else’s fault but mine”, when it really is his fault for not applying himself.
Don’t let this happen.
Working hard is a skill which must be practiced and honed over time, and it sounds like he simply hasn’t applied himself fully so he can really say he has done his best. Tell him this plainly, but also encourage him. It’s a delicate balance to let him lick his wounds, understand his role in arriving as his current circumstance, but also that there is a way to move forward and achieve what he wants! I’m sure he is very bright and able to achieve what he puts his mind to - he needs to use this as a lesson to learn how to work for what he wants (the world won’t be handed to him on a silver platter!).

Nothing wrong with pointing that out if he persists in complaining and tries to lay some blame at your door. My DD got all 9’s last year but she put in a phenomenal amount of work and effort. Hard work is rewarded. That said your DS has done well, but needs to understand that he can’t continue to be blaze when doing A levels, as it’s a big jump up.

God love these children and the pressure they are put under.

It's better he has this realisation that he could do better now. I coasted through GCSEs (3 A star, 5A As, 3 Bs) and didn't really struggle to get AAAB in A-Levels when A was the highest, but oh my word did I have a shock in second year of uni when I got a low 2:2 and realised how high my final year scores needed to be to get a 2:1. I worked my arse off and did it, but the stress was incredible and I needed that kick/new work ethic a few years earlier.

This! My twin DDs got their results today; both did really well, but one is a bit more academic and got all 7s, 8s and 9s. Her sister got similar but with a couple of 6s so very similar to your DS. She’ll be dining out on her one 9 for quite some time, lol. I’m immensely proud of them both as they worked bloody hard. He needs to gain some perspective, they are great grades. As others have said, he has what he needs for his A levels and all anyone will care about in the future is that he passed his maths and English (GCSE wise). A bit of disappointment if he feels he could have done better is no bad thing, he’ll push himself more next time! Just keep telling him he’s done really well because he has. The world would be a boring place if everyone was madly academic and got straight As, there is more to life and we are not all the same.

They are quite similar to my results (under the A*\A etc system. They were good enough for Cambridge and a LSE MA. If my parents had intimated that they were slightly disappointing I would have told them to wind their neck in because they were obviously absolutely fine.

Someone who can get a 7 without really trying will do better in many degrees than someone coached/crammed to an 8 or 9.

He’s not his brother. Dd is also disappointed with 2 6s but it is what it is. Nothing shameful about a 6.
Great opportunity to learn some resilience. You’re not always going to get the outcome you want or deserve, but you get up and keep going.

GCSE is a stepping stone to the next move. It won’t matter one hour after this week - despite the crushing disappointment they feel right now.

I’ve taken a tea and sympathy approach and then told her to take it on the chin and not worry about it.

Of course they don't define you! Who knows what any child of 16 will become? But every application will want them. However, looking at one child today, he's got into the college of his choice to do lighting/stage direction, but another has been told she can't enrol in the sixth form with almost identical grades.

Right now, GCSE grades are important for next steps. Once a child is on their desired path, it won't matter (as much) yet it's rammed down our throats as teachers and as students that a 4 in at least Maths and English is essential.

Even speaking to my bf, she said she can't prove that she has a C in Maths having lost her O level certificates and needs it for a promotion. No idea what happened to mine either or how I'd prove it should I need to, although recently a much older colleague sat in the relevant office in Cambridge to obtain his as proof to get onto his teaching course. So, no, they absolutely don't define us, but can be important sometimes.

Dd sat her GCSE’s about 8 years ago. I genuinely can’t remember her grades but they weren’t as good as the OP’s son. Her A levels weren’t stellar either.

she went on to get a 1st class degree in a tough subject and is about to start a Masters at a university ranked 6th in the world for her subject. It’s very true that GCSEs do not define anyone and that people progress/peak at different rates.

im sure the OPs son will find his way….but honestly it has to be his way.

One of the things I’ve learned with older kids/young adults is that sometimes they want to vent but it doesn’t necessarily mean they want advice or comments. It can be a sure fire way of stopping them continuing to confide if they think you will just jump in saying, well do x and do y……..I get it’s sometimes a parent’s natural instinct to try and help, advise, fix things.

I try and bite my tongue and instead ask Dd if she wants help/advice/wants me to do something or does she just want to have a vent. They generally figure it out themselves.