To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

So, we let my DS coast and he failed a GCSE, got a 4 and the rest were 5s and 6s. He lost his place at a prestigious state boarding school as a result. DH and I kicked ourselves. DS kicked himself.

Forced to attend the only state/tech that would have him and just got an AAB in his AS Levels (asking for a remark on the B as he only missed it by 2 marks).

Frankly, has been the making of him. His attendance/punctuality is 100%. He has handed in every assignment on time and never missed one. His ego is well and truly parked. He realises that he didn’t listen to advice or take on board revision and exam advice for his GCSEs, thought he knew it all, but has hung on every word in AS/Y12. Feels he only has himself to blame. But he is now predicted AstarAstarA for next year and even looking at Imperial. He really wants it and has learned from what has happened. If you are going to stuff up a little, GCSE is the time to do it as it matters much less than A Levels or the degree itself.

Your DS’d grades are still in the top 10% nationally and if he pulls his finger out and makes an effort in A Levels, his GCSE will just be a small ‘blip’ [tiny in fact given he has 7s and 8s].

I think he has done very well indeed and you need to stop comparing them and let him find his own path. I have one DD who is very driven and academic and one who is very laid back and not academic. I certainly don't push her to follow the same path as her sister and love them both so much for who they are as individuals.

It is scary. And the constant articles about how even people with Oxbridge degrees are struggling to find jobs doesn't help (Times, a reliable source). Our poor kids. I wish I could move to a place that doesn't have all this exam pressure. OP, please just continue to tell him you're proud of him, grades are not the be-all, and all that we really want for our kids is for them to be happy.

Say ..
The grades are a fine result for your efforts, DS.
Should I have insisted that you do more structured homework?

This.

If he feels he tried his best then that’s all that matters- he got the best grades possible then.

If he feels he could’ve/should've done better, then that’s on him and how much effort he put in. Life can be tough when reality bites

Tell him to remember how he feels, write down as we tend to forget exactly how we feel. Let it drive him
for A levels and make sure he doesn’t feel like this again. Don’t fear failure but be terrified of regret. He is regretful as he knows they’re not a true reflection of his capability. If you have left everything on the table and you tried your hardest you will be proud of the outcome.

Jesus. Your poor kid. Maybe you should come over to the GCSE results thread where some parents are celebrating their kids scraping 4s to get some perspective. Your DS2 has achieved fantastic results! If he's comparing himself unfavourably to his older brother, it's because you are fostering that comparison. Take this comment you made on an earlier post:

Ds1 set out to get all 9s and did all he could to achieve that. Ds2 didn't and in many ways that was a good choice.

You are essentially telling him he's done crap and his brother did better.

I cannot understand why anyone thinks this child hasn’t succeeded or tried hard enough? He’s got mostly the equivalent of A* and As with a couple of Bs.

You haven't let him down, but I don't think you should tell him to "stop complaining" and "if you wanted 9s you should have worked harder".

Those are really good results. He can go on and study further with them.

When he's starting to prepare for mocks etc for A-levels maybe you could try gently then talking to him about what impact he thinks resisting taking advice from you has on his grades and if he is interested to figure out a way he could revise more effectively.

Firstly, I want to congratulate your son on very good GCSE results.

I am a younger sibling of an eldest child who did a lot better than me at GCSEs. I have SEN (ADHD) but was undiagnosed back then, however, my second residence was seclusion. All the teachers loved my sibling - conscientious, well-behaved, a prefect - they achieved like 12 A-Bs they ended up exhausted and burnt out after GCSEs, struggled at A-level and Degree.

I got less than that - in old school I got like 6A-Cs - mainly C’s and failed the rest - but I went on to do A-Levels (didn’t have to do resits as passed maths, English, science), took a break after A-Levels, went to an RG Uni, got a 1st and won academic awards. I was on my university course with straight A*s-As GCSEs/A levels students. I work with people who got the same. My GCSEs don’t matter but my degree does.

In summary, it doesn’t matter if you don’t get straight 9s or 8s or whatever, as long as you get what you needed at GCSEs, and is able to get into sixth form/college to do what you need to do.

N. B. my user name. Absolutely identical situation in every detail apart from divorce. My advice is to allow this be the wake up call he needs. Maturity and self-determination will kick in.

MFL here, but I’ve taught a bit of English too over the years.

You don’t need to say a thing about working hard for A levels now. He knows exactly what to do, and what work will get him.

My money is on him out earning big brother one day - these things can be a real motivator.

We used to do controlled assessments/coursework in many subjects up until around 2019 if I remember correctly. Then the decision was made to return to 100% exams. However for some children the coursework option didn’t help either. Hence why I suggested functional skills for the lowest achievers. We have children who are still struggling to read and write in Y7.

I think you've done the right thing.

Allow him this one day to wallow; tomorrow if he's still morose you can just shrug and tell him you're proud of his results, and if he feels like he could've done better, then he knows what to do for A levels.

I've just said on another post that my twins didn't get better than a 3 in anything, I'm still proud, they're going to college, they worked hard, they're just not very academically able. My youngest is only 13 and working at a level 4. People are good at different things.

As an aside - can I ask why you used Oxbridge instead of the actual uni that your older son is going to? I know it doesn't matter but it just seems like such a weird thing to try and obscure when you've shared all the others!

Grade 9 = High A*
• Grade 8 = Low A* / High A
• Grade 7 = A
• Grade 6 = High B / Low A
• Grade 5 = Strong C (sometimes called a “strong pass”)
• Grade 4 = Low C (a “standard pass”)
• Grade 3 = D / low E
• Grade 2 = E / low F
• Grade 1 = G

in old terms he got between A*-B apart from the fail in further maths. He did brilliantly. Just be proud of him and don’t compare him to anyone else

I stress to my kids that you want to walk out of the exam knowing you had prepped the best you could and did the best you could. So that means if you are sick on the day and end up with a 1, but expected a 4, that sucks, but that was the best you could do.

So, then if straight 9s or straight 1s- at least you know you couldn't do any more.

when he’s ready for a levels, he needs the mantra

Hard work beats talent, if talent doesn't work!

if he wants/expects top grades then he has to use his talent and hard work to achieve them.

I could have got much better results but I know i am lazy and coasted all of school. I found uni easy until the last year.

This is what i’m trying to instill in my DC as both a bright but very different. The lazy one will also take knock backs more harshly, than the one who has to try.

I think what you’ve said to your DS2 is great. No one needs all 9s, and not having them isn’t going to hold him back. They are both very academically able. But being able to do exams is not the only measure of intelligence by any means.

They will inevitably have different strengths - ideally they will go on to work with others to achieve as part of teams rather than excelling in isolation.

it can be a mix, i guess a better way to phrase it would be what did you learn from this @coffeerevelsruleand then use his response to guide him to study better etc

You sound like a really good mum OP. Teens are so difficult to parent, their moods can be so draining as well. Try to detach a bit tonight, you’ve done what you can and he’s got really good results. Do something for yourself to celebrate, and well done for getting your two boys to this point!

Growing up I was always much more academic than my late db (12 months age difference). My parents decided to deal with this by constantly minimalising any academic achievements, implying I was boasting or I had a big head etc. This really affected my self esteem and I don't think it helped db whose talents were more practical and sporty. I received my O level results in the post and I had passed 11 but I had gotten a D in my German. My mother's response - well you're not so clever then! Next year db didn't pass any of his 9 O levels and he got a couple of cse grade ones and nothing was said.

And that sort of pressure on a child us why some end up with mental health issues. It's not important. There are other paths they csn take. Gcses are not and never have been the be all and end all.

They dont need functional tests they need continuous assesment and teachers who can actually teach kids who are sen.

Surely this should be a wake up call for him, an experience that he can learn from and that will motivate him to do better in his A levels.
Isn't it better to tell him to learn from it, to know that he is capable of achieving more and most importantly, that he has a second chance when he sits his A levels?

When I was in junior school, I didn't do any homework or try very hard at school.
I remember my mum coming home from a parent teacher meeting having been told by my school teacher that she didn't think that I would amount to much.
My mum came home in tears, partly because of what the teacher had said and partly because my older sister, who was severely physically and mentally disabled, could never have the life that she deserved.
That moment, seeing my mum in tears, was the kick in the backside I needed so when I started secondary school, I decided that I would take study seriously. I later qualified as a barrister and have practised for many years. I still remember that wake up call. Your son should too and put it to good use!