To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

This! He's done great OP but it's got to be difficult living in the shadow of his perfect sounding brother. Of course tell him you're proud of him too and get him thinking about where he wants to go from here. Would he be more suited to btec style of assessment rather than A-level exams? Definitely worth considering - A level chem is supposed to be a bastard.

Edited to say - Oh for some reason I had in my head he got mostly 6's, with those grades he will be fine for A-levels.

They are objectively good results, enough to take him to the next stage. I'd probably let him lead any conversation about it, with some strategic nudges, but definitely no 'I told you so's, criticisms or offers of help. You say he can be stubborn, finding his own answers will be more satisfying and instructive.

What is he particularly disappointed about? What does he think happend to make this so? If he could go back, what, if anything would he do differently?

I mean, if he worked really hard then this is what he's capable of and that's fine. But if he himself feels he could have done better, fortunately he gets another go around with A levels to put that into action. Reflection is a fantastic skill in itself. It could work out very well for him for the next step, and life in general. Some people sail through education and the first knock comes mucher later and harder. This is also reflex reaction to the results. Have some time to let things settle, go out with his friends and blow off some of the pent up emotion. He'll be right! Congrats to him and you for getting through it.

You haven't let him down, and those are perfectly decent results. Comparison is the thief of joy and he is chosing to compare himself to someone who got higher results when there are thousands whose grades are nowhere near that good.

No one will care what his gcse grades are in 5 years time. So long as he can do 3 A Levels he is interested in, his academic prowess will only ever be judged on the basis of his highest/most recent qualifications so he should put this behind him. If he doesn't reckon these grades reflect his abilities he should resolve to buckle down and put in the hours to ensure that in 2 years time the grades are the best he can do. I don't think you have let him down. He is too big to blame you. How much effort he puts into his school work is entirely his choice, but don't tell him he has only himself to blame. Instead tell him that you love him to bits, and appreciate his achievements he has got so far and tell him that you refuse to participate in putting him down if he thinks the grades could have been better, but will certainly be his biggest cheerleader if it's his decision to try and reset his achievements to a higher level in all his future endeavours.

Those are really good results , though I can understand why he is disappointed
I agree with others . Just give him a few days for things to sink in ,everything is raw at the moment .Tell him that you are proud of him ( which I know that you are ) and understand that he is disappointed Talk about what he can do in the future .

I think that you are doing a great job Op and I am sure your ds appreciates you .
Try to remain calm .

I honestly don't see what you could have done differently. You've offered support and been careful not to draw comparisons between them or exaggerate the value of academic success, but DS2 is going to be all too aware of it anyway and I can't see how that could have been helped, short of sabotaging DS1. Don't get me wrong, it must be really tough for your DS2, but that isn't your fault. IMO you cannot force a 16 year old to study unless you belong to a culture where it is the cultural norm to do so.

I think the PPs framing of how you could talk to him about the next stage is excellent.

That's 7 As and 2 Bs in old school.

I went to Oxford with that.
Be bloody proud of him and don't give him any reason to think you think "it's good but...".

Have you told him that those are bloody good results and you're proud of him?

As the younger sibling of an academic high achiever, I would definitely have appreciated this approach way more than "if you'd have worked harder, you'd have got better results". Trust me, your DS knows this, and if he's anything like me, having gone through all of school being constantly compared to my older sibling (by teachers, other pupils, one of my parents) then if you say anything along those lines, he will hear it as "you're not as good as your brother"
He's got a good set of results so praise him for that, and help him focus on what's coming next for him.

Sounds like it’s the high emotion of the day, maybe take some time for yourself- get out for a run or whatever is self-care for you.

Fucking hell. Those are excellent results.
this years cohort had a really rough ride. The marks are down across the board as the boundaries were harsh, they didn’t get any covid consideration like previous years. They didn’t sit their sats, and spent the first few years of secondary not having proper lessons and formal exam sitting until year 9/10. That meant they had to quickly get comfortable with exam prep and sitting.
he’s done really well and hopefully with time he can see that.
perhaps he’s disappointed in himself for not trying harder. Maybe he did try hard and it didn’t stick.
either way. He did well.

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so... Did you mean ds2 thinks so? If you want to minimise sibling rivalry then discussing ds2 with ds1 is very wrong.

I would let the dust settle for a couple of weeks and then tell him that if he wants better A-Level results, he needs to put more effort in.

It's a tough day for him today and I suspect his emotions are all over the place. I'd validate those feelings - it's ok for him to be disappointed/frustrated/upset or whatever he's feeling. Step back from talking about exams and results and for the next couple of days just be there for him. Give him some hugs and make it really clear that you love him unconditionally - you're not disappointed with him and he hasn't let you down.

Eventually you'll get to a point where you can probably ask him some of those questions about what he might do differently in 6th Form, what does he think went wrong etc. but today's not the day for it.

It's really hard to see them so upset but whilst it feels raw today it'll feel a bit better tomorrow and a bit better again next week once all the talk of 'who got what' dies down.

One of my DC didn't want to celebrate what were still good grades because they weren't what she expected. It took a bit of time but she's had the best year in college, has got her head down and worked hard and is focused on university. It just takes time.

It won't feel it right now but your son will learn a valuable lesson in resilience and handling disappointment. And you could argue that it's better to have this at 16 than in two year's time. Everyone has to deal with bumps in the road at some point and hopefully he'll come out the other side even stronger.

I would reassure him that he’s got really good grades. I wouldn’t say well you should have done this that or whatever as I don’t think it’ll help. It’s not on you at all, he’s capable of revising himself. I also wouldn’t say yes it’s shit, because it’s not.

like a pp suggested- I would advise him to have a think about what he’s learnt from his approach to his GCSEs and what he would do differently or the same for A levels. I’d reiterate that like during GCSEs, you’re available for revision help if he asks for it. It’s probably a bit raw right now so I’d have this conversation in a few days and for now just reassure him that he’s done well and you’re proud of him. It must be quite hard to live up to a big brother who has done so well so having that reassurance that you’re happy with his grades will be good for him even if he argues about it

Many years ago, I got a B in gcse Spanish, and the first thing my teacher said to me was 'think what you might have got if you'd tried harder'. It pissed me off at the time, and it still irritates me now, largely because she was right. It did not inspire me to actually try harder though, and in fact I dropped out of college without any a levels a few months later.

My point is he's probably smarting a bit from knowing he could perhaps have done better, and is lashing out a bit at you, because you're the person who is there right now.

I would remind him that his grades really are fabulous, and then back off and let the dust settle a bit. Give him some time to settle back into school and get started on A levels, and then try and have a productive forward thinking conversation, about what he learned from doing his gcses and what changes he might want to make if he wants different results at a level, and what support might help him get there. He is where he is, but he needs some time to come to acceptance on that before he can move forwards.

"DS, I'm proud of you and your results, but I can see you are disappointed. I know you want to do A Levels and I don't want you to feel the same way about those results, so can we work together to make a study plan so you can get the results you want?

This is really well worded.

Hopefully a few days reflection will lead your DS2 to see he has done well (but not as well as he would have liked), that he needs to work harder (if he wants to do better), and that heeding your advice would be wise in future. You haven't let him down. No parent can force a 16-year old to study. He's learning an important lesson the hard way. There is every possibility of him getting three good A levels and going to a Russell Group university, if that's what he wants to do.

For typo

I might wait a couple of days. Results day emotions are high and he will resent the message.

If you sit down in a couple of days and say "DS, these are good results, your dad and I are proud. But i think you know for yourself, you have the capability for a bit more, if you dig a bit deeper the A-levels you want are there for the taking."

Don't focus on "you could have done better in the GCSEs" - too late now. Focus on "you are in control of how well you do in those A levels, if you put the work in and know you've done your best you will be chuffed to bits on results day."

I agree with the above poster.

Plus academic achievement - whilst great - is not the be all and end all. I have loads more qualifications than my brother, luckily we both love our jobs, be he earns more than double what I do.

Your DS2 got great results and can do what he wants. He needs to take responsibility for his own results though. It’s not your fault.

My answer to his moaning would be that he needs to let this be the kick up the arse he needs for A level. He knows what he needs to do now and he needs to get his finger out for A level.

🤷🏼‍♀️

I think a child who is disappointed with those results is getting the message that only 9s is good enough. I wonder if he quietly felt that he could never live up to his brother so there was no point trying.

He needs you tell him that you are proud of his results and of him, and not to start on the "if only you'd done this conversation" which will simply reinforce his view that he's not good enough.

I feel like saying, 'if you wanted 9s you should have put more work in and listened to advice, now stop complaining!' Would this be unreasonable?

I think this might come across as a little harsh (although I understand where you are coming from!) & not have the results you want, but a slightly more tactical while still frank conversation might help. I.e something like "DS, I'm proud of you and your results, but I can see you are disappointed. I know you want to do A Levels and I don't want you to feel the same way about those results, so can we work together to make a study plan so you can get the results you want?".

Would he swallow his pride & accept some advice from his brother? Or maybe find some YouTube study accounts to see how others have planned their approach?

“What would you have liked to do differently, DS?”

”What will you do differently for As, and is there anything I can do to help?”