To think some parents use “mental load” as a way of avoiding accountability?

Can you give an actual example though?

Admin is a lot of work! DH might take DS to a birthday party for example but I'll have recieved the invite, checked the diary, bought the present, wrapped the present, got DS to sign the card etc. So my 2 hours off (also whilst I'm looking after DD anyway) probably took getting towards an hour of prep when you add it all up in 15 mins here and there. There's hundreds of instances like this each month!

I don't recall anybody using that phrase in real life. Mind you I've got a horrible feeling it might pop out of my mouth this week now that it's on my mind.. I might see if I can use it as a way of getting out of doing admin type chores at work.. we all had to do training on mental health in the workplace recently so maybe i can at least get some longer deadlines for the boring cruddy stuff
.

I have never seen anything like you describe.

to me, the mental load is a shorthand way to encapsulate the unseen work of running a household - who notices when the toothpaste has run out? Who thinks “I’d better put a wash on so the PE kits are dry by Wednesday?”. If it’s always the same half of the couple who remembers when the MOT is due, which day the dog is going to the groomers, thinks about what dinners to have this week, while the other adult in the house just says “do we not have any toothpaste?” or “oh the kids don’t have clean PE kit”, that is clearly an imbalance. It’s not that the mental load itself is unbearable - it’s that the mental load is invisible and the non-load-bearing partner can happily believe they are pulling their weight by following instructions.

that’s how I have always seen mental load used. I have never heard or seen anyone saying, oh, I am too tired to do the dishes because I am exhausted from the mental load, in order to get out of that chore.

if anything I find it is the partner not carrying the mental load who claims exhaustion from paid work as an excuse not to do any housework or parenting!

My DH put my toddler down for a nap earlier today so thinks that’s job done; he didn’t think about noting the time to make sure they don’t sleep too long, or what they’re going to have for dinner, or making them a drink for when they wake up. He thinks that this stuff doesn’t really matter but it really does if we don’t want a grumpy, hungry toddler who won’t go to bed because they’ve napped too long!

My Ex used to tell anyone who’d listen that “I drop the DC to nursery (it was only once a week, but he’d conveniently leave that bit out).

I would be the one to:
-get the DC up, showered and dressed
-give DC breakfast
-pack DC bags for school
-pack DC bags for after school activities
-remember whether it was red/blue/green/mufti day and prepare or give DC money accordingly

Sometimes I even strapped DC into the car, and all he had to do was literally just drive them to the nursery door.

When I’d ask him to prepare the DC as they needed, he’d complain that it was all too much for him, so I’d have to do it, or it wouldn’t get done, or they’d be late waiting.

There seem to be lots of men out there who have no idea how much wifework goes into every single house or DC task, so I’d say it’s a very accurate description.

No, not a bibliography and footnotes; what we need is a really concrete example of what you're talking about (which also perhaps includes a nice precise definition of what you think "mental load" actually means . . . . .)

@VaseofViolets

The burden of cooking, shopping and making decisions is huge? Don’t be silly, that’s just life, it’s not huge. It isn’t anything… it’s just doing what needs to be done. How do you manage when you have actual problems to deal with

You’re missing the point. Its not that these individual tasks on their own are huge.

Its the cumulative effect of being the one who is on the hook for the decision making all the time. It leaves you feeling frustrated and resentful that the other partner delegates it all.

Particularly when, as a majority of women are these days, you are also working outside the home. So you doing two jobs and he’s doing maybe one and a quarter.

It just diminishes the respect you have for him.

I have always got examples on the go for this. From the last few days:

The child my kid is going to forest school with is stuck in Canada. I am looking into booking another ticket and getting a different friend on board. Communicating with Canada-stuck mum, other mums and forest school.
Auditing two sets of school uniform and filling in the gaps through online shopping in time for the new term.
Trying to track down two secondhand car seats for our second car ahead if going fulltime and office based from September. Using Facebook recycle parents page.
Arranging a time to show my friend how to administer an epi pen for when she has my boy next week.
Working out how the fucking after school app works so I can see which day they have asigned to us and how we can pay.
Rearranging swim times so that my daughter can attend Rainbows.
Arranging and attending a playdate with a child in my daughter's class, trying to make a stronger connection as both are struggling with other classmates.

This is a typical week. It's definitely a load.

Why the need to be rude?

Just because it needs to be done doesn’t make it any less tiresome or mundane.

A perfect description and based on comments from my friends… incredibly widespread.

The burden of cooking, shopping and making decisions is huge? Don’t be silly, that’s just life, it’s not huge. It isn’t anything… it’s just doing what needs to be done. How do you manage when you have actual problems to deal with?

I think not seeing bills as an activity suggests that people are living in quite a secure financial position. If money is tight then bills will take up a lot of time and energy.

Do you not think “mental load” is sometimes irrelevant?

My mental load is being a single mum of two with a demanding 40 hour week job (plus extra)
and running a household
I don’t get to use “mental load” as an opt out
I still have to be a parent
still have to go to work because I have bills to pay
still have to do all the chores etc alone on top of that
There isn’t an option to say I can’t or won’t do it.
Throw in a curve ball of one of the kids being ill or something unexpected happening and it can be relentless.

So I suppose yes I think some people overuse “mental load” as an excuse or opt out of doing things and I think it’s sometimes used as an excuse to be individualistic or selfish by protecting one’s own mental load by offloading it onto others.

OP doesn’t understand what the term ‘mental load’ means.

Tell that to my mental load

Good idea.
But maybe also a real life example?
What example prompted you specifically to make the thread? Let's discuss that.

I don’t think mental load is ‘just bills’. I’ll give an example from my household. DH wants us to go on a weekend away with our toddler and baby. He booked accommodation and has a rough idea of an activity and from his perspective the rest will just follow.

He hasn’t thought about; best time to drive to coincide with nap times, organising time off to leave work early for above, what we need to pack for DCs, food shopping in preparation for the trip so we have essentials like milk or snacks when we arrive, actually packing for DCs let alone himself, whether the booked accommodation is child friendly and if we need to bring the highchair/stairgate/toys, whether to fill up the car with fuel so we don’t need to stop en route and risk DCs waking up. I could go on, but this is the kind of thinking that still seems to fall to women, even as pp said, DH will happily pick up toddler from nursery on ‘his’ day or run a hoover round when asked.

I think these generic posts are rather pointless, as without a specific example to discuss it us all rather nebulous.
Thus YABU.

Agree 100%.

The burden of meal planning or daily decision making, shopping, prep, and clean up in particular is huge. I did it for three long decades, 365 days a year and 366 in leap years. It got old very, very fast.

@LittleBearPad

It’s amazing how some people really seem to think bills are an actual activity that demands much time at all. Most can be done by direct debit and require little effort at all.

I don't think its bills though. Bills, as you say, just come out of your account. It's one-off stuff and planning.

Research for crap articles I think

There’s so many of these pointless no context threads lately

I thought bills, admin and house tasks WERE mental load. WTF is it, if not any of those things?