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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To lock up all our food etc when we leave

882 replies

ChangerMonNom · 11/08/2025 18:05

We share a holiday cottage with DH family (his parents, older sister and partner) and use it at different times. For clarity- everyone contributes financially but DH and I the most as we are a family of four and earn more also.

In the summer holidays, we tend to go up the first few weeks of august, then head home. At this point, SIL and partner will come and use it. They probably use it more than us in total as they have no kids so can go during term time also, and can WFH so tend to have lots of mini breaks throughout the year.

When we leave, we make sure place is spotless and leave fresh milk (if SIL due to arrive), eggs, coffee, occasionally some treats and always whatever is left of all purchases (cooking oil, laundry powder, condiments, kitchen roll, plentiful loo roll).

On the flip side, SIL and partner will use all our stuff up and not replace it, meaning we often arrive late evening and find we are missing eg oil to cook dinner or even toilet roll.

We have mentioned this politely a few times but got no meaningful response (other than to say ‘it’s just the two of us, we hardly use anything’) This 100 per cent won’t be just thoughtlessness on their part - SIL is notoriously tight.

Anyway- we are due to pack up Sunday and I am considering putting all store cupboard items in a combination lockable suitcase and keeping them stashed away until our return. They will no doubt notice this as they take for granted things like salt and dishwasher tabs being available.

DH told me not to he so petty and ‘go high’, but honestly I’m fed up of SIL and her partner’s behaviour and this might be the only way to make them see what they are doing (although to he perfectly honest, I will slightly enjoy pissing them off).

So who’s right MN?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 13/08/2025 20:27

he says SIL really wants to see the kids

This from the devoted auntie that doesn’t even bother to remember their birthdays and gives them dirty looks for drinking too much milk?

Nah. I’d be over-ruling mein host on this.

diddl · 13/08/2025 19:48

he's done so well in life - generally and in comparison to his family.

There's being generous though & there's letting others take the piss.

Just because he can "splash the cash" doesn't mean that he always should.

As a pp put it's unlikely that SIL & OH are using everything-most likely that are just taking it because you can afford it.

How entitled & how little they think of you.

RampantIvy · 13/08/2025 19:48

ChangerMonNom · 12/08/2025 19:29

One time when we had dinner with them, she actually pulled the 'oops I seem to have left my card at home' line (pre Apple Pay days).

I don't buy that excuse. How would she have coped without a card for the rest of her stay?

ChinaPuffin · 13/08/2025 19:41

Make lunch at the house, then leave her with the washing up!

TroysMammy · 13/08/2025 19:40

viques · 13/08/2025 19:02

Ouch. I would be going even lower. I bet there are decent sharp knives in the kitchen drawer that you have provided. I think I would buy some cheap not very good kitchen knives to leave at the cottage and put the decent ones in the Stash Box for your exclusive use. Deny all knowledge of the swap.

You can get cheap utility knives from The Range, they don't cut straight down, everything is cut wonky.

ChangerMonNom · 13/08/2025 19:34

Thanks for all the replies- some v funny! I have suggested to DH that we cancel lunch, but he says SIL really wants to see the kids (yeah right) so it's likely we'll have to do something.

Some of you asked why we are allowing ourselves to be taken for a ride and I've been reflecting on this. It's certainly not in my nature, although I'd like to think I am generous.

The issue, I think, is that DH seems to get a kick out of providing for others. I don't think I'm being unfair to say that doing so gives him an ego boost and makes him feel successful and powerful, as he's done so well in life - generally and in comparison to his family.

He's one of those 'drinks are on me' types who likes to order the most expensive wine in a restaurant just because he can. I'm not saying he's an arse btw - just that he does seem to get off on it. (He probably chose a rubbish wife for this, as I have Primark tastes ;) so has to exercise it elsewhere)

OP posts:
viques · 13/08/2025 19:02

ChangerMonNom · 12/08/2025 10:11

@nmsi this will shock you but yeah we buy all the cleaning stuff too Grin. Even worse, we tend to have a cleaner come in weekly while we are there, but they do their own clean which is unsurprisingly not at all thorough (quick hoover, wipe of surfaces - no dusting) so they benefit from that, too.

Ouch. I would be going even lower. I bet there are decent sharp knives in the kitchen drawer that you have provided. I think I would buy some cheap not very good kitchen knives to leave at the cottage and put the decent ones in the Stash Box for your exclusive use. Deny all knowledge of the swap.

Silvertulips · 13/08/2025 18:17

Seems unfair she’s hijacking your last day - so you can pay for lunch - they are stealing your time and money.

Itwasonlyaday · 13/08/2025 18:09

People like that bring out the worst in me and make me want to do the same back, but then I would also resent doing the same back because it is behaving in a similar way to the people whose behaviour is pissing me off! I’m reminded of those who want to be in a round system yet never go to the bar or always leave before their round.

Maybe just say “I don’t want the hassle of bringing things up and back each time, but also don’t want to get caught short when I arrive late with the kids. Do you want to have a system where we replace what’s finished/nearly empty so that the next person has what’s needed or shall we just keep things separate? Happy with either - what works best for you?”

If no reply, just lock your stuff away (and pray the oil doesn’t spill)! A slight pain in the arse, a bit inconvenient, but more convenient and less rankling overall each visit.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 13/08/2025 17:47

Team petty all the way. Screw go higher

wordler · 13/08/2025 17:10

ChangerMonNom · 12/08/2025 19:00

Small update. SIL is now coming down early Sunday so we can buy her and her DP lunch have lunch together before we leave, so I may have some live reports then. Will have to hold my nerve when she notices lack of expected items in house

Get them to bring a take away or picnic lunch with them.

Or at the very least text them a short list on Saturday night of all the supplies they need to bring as ‘everything’ is running low.

ToadRage · 13/08/2025 17:09

I'd just either use it all up while you're there and take anything leftover home with you. Once she realises you are no longer subsidising her holiday she will have no choice but to buy her own stuff. I know it sounds petty but you have tried telling her and it hasn't worked.

angela1952 · 13/08/2025 16:49

bellamorgan · 13/08/2025 16:07

If your eating out go somewhere were you pay upfront for your food or just get their slightly earlier and place your order and state there are more people arriving but to keep the orders and bills separate.

This sounds perfect!

LargelyBusiness · 13/08/2025 16:45

I'm usually a ‘live and let live’ no pettiness type personal on here. My first response would always be talk to them, set some ground rules…but you have.

I too would leave very little. Last few sheets of toilet paper, couple of tea bags…they will have to buy their own supplies.

sueelleker · 13/08/2025 16:32

madaboutpurple · 13/08/2025 12:55

Why not send them a text asking them to bring a lot of basics with them to give them time to get things bought.

She'd probably "forget", like she "forgot" to get the dishwasher tablets at the shop.

TomNook21 · 13/08/2025 16:28

I would bring everything you need for your stay and leave (unused) whatever they left you. They surely couldn't complain about that? I would also be inclined to text them and ask if 'they need you to pick up milk or will they?'. Leave it in their hands. I wouldn't leave things locked away, that's weird tbh.

Missj25 · 13/08/2025 16:19

ChangerMonNom · 11/08/2025 18:05

We share a holiday cottage with DH family (his parents, older sister and partner) and use it at different times. For clarity- everyone contributes financially but DH and I the most as we are a family of four and earn more also.

In the summer holidays, we tend to go up the first few weeks of august, then head home. At this point, SIL and partner will come and use it. They probably use it more than us in total as they have no kids so can go during term time also, and can WFH so tend to have lots of mini breaks throughout the year.

When we leave, we make sure place is spotless and leave fresh milk (if SIL due to arrive), eggs, coffee, occasionally some treats and always whatever is left of all purchases (cooking oil, laundry powder, condiments, kitchen roll, plentiful loo roll).

On the flip side, SIL and partner will use all our stuff up and not replace it, meaning we often arrive late evening and find we are missing eg oil to cook dinner or even toilet roll.

We have mentioned this politely a few times but got no meaningful response (other than to say ‘it’s just the two of us, we hardly use anything’) This 100 per cent won’t be just thoughtlessness on their part - SIL is notoriously tight.

Anyway- we are due to pack up Sunday and I am considering putting all store cupboard items in a combination lockable suitcase and keeping them stashed away until our return. They will no doubt notice this as they take for granted things like salt and dishwasher tabs being available.

DH told me not to he so petty and ‘go high’, but honestly I’m fed up of SIL and her partner’s behaviour and this might be the only way to make them see what they are doing (although to he perfectly honest, I will slightly enjoy pissing them off).

So who’s right MN?

Another example of take take & no give. !
Sure wouldn’t it work out perfectly if Sil used all your stuff up , & then b4 she left give a quick run to shop & replace 🤷🏻‍♀️
Then everyone is happy , & no one is going to an empty hh ..
However , that’s not the way it is unfortunately, so i would be bringing my stuff with me , & dropping her a quick text to say she will need to stop at shop on way & restock & leave a kiss 🤷🏻‍♀️
Don’t want to be falling out but not the piss to be taken either 🙂

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 13/08/2025 16:14

Please do it! We're all behind you

bellamorgan · 13/08/2025 16:07

If your eating out go somewhere were you pay upfront for your food or just get their slightly earlier and place your order and state there are more people arriving but to keep the orders and bills separate.

Iamnotalemming · 13/08/2025 16:05

Gosh how annoying. YANBU.
I think after lunch you need to just say 'let's split the bill'. It sounds like this has gone on so long there is now a complete expectation that you will cover everything. You need to start asserting some firm but friendly boundaries, lunch is a good start, as is not leaving a fully stocked house.

Do expect SIL to sulk about it as she is used to getting her own way.

ccridersuz · 13/08/2025 15:59

About time they bought their own stuff!.
Me, I would go full on petty, until she learns the lesson, everyone uses the place!.

Noodles1234 · 13/08/2025 15:51

I’m on your side.

but your family cohesion I would just not leave anything behind for a couple of times, this feels more feesable, when someone comments that “nothing was there”, this is your chance to mention with a fresh giggle you didn’t leave anything as nothing was ever there when you got there, or even better say nothing and just smile. They will get the message soon enough.

Sahj123 · 13/08/2025 15:39

Initially, I was going to say YTA, being petty over small things etc HOWEVER, how annoying to arrive somewhere and there be no toilet roll ffs!?
You leave all your stuff for them to use, and they don’t even have the decency to leave a toilet roll! That’s harsh lol

So upon reading the whole post now, no I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Noshowlomo · 13/08/2025 15:33

Definitely leave before lunch, but if you can’t, someone has a good suggestion of “separate bills please, the boys eat so much now I wouldn’t want you paying for any of it if we split the bill”

diddl · 13/08/2025 15:21

How much stuff are we talking about here?

I'd happily take less clothes if it meant fitting in a box of supplies to carry between the cottage & home!

Could you decant stuff at home to take with you so that you are carrying less about?

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