Have you stayed with a cheating partner?

What happens when he falls in love with one of his partners down the line and leaves you for her?

It’s a very individual choice op, and I’m sorry you are going through this. When it happened to me I didn’t stay, and I’m glad I didn’t. Staying would have eaten away at my self esteem and ruined my mental health - I never could trust him again, he ruined it and that’s that really.

You are asking for the views of people who have stayed. They will always try to justify their decision and pretend that it was the right thing to do (at the time, for their family, etc).
Truth is it’s totally up to you, but if you stay you need to fully appreciate what message that sends. Do what you like. Don’t worry about my feelings. Don’t worry what your children will think when they find out about it (because they will). Risk my health all you want, physical and mental.
The list goes on…

How would you feel if you stayed and then he left you for an affair partner...are you prepared to be older and looking to begin again? If you are this should guide you about working and planning your financial independence from now

Yes. Or more accurately took him back after he left for a full relationship affair, which he rapidly regretted. We have been married over 20 years, close to retirement and I was well aware I wasn't being easy to live with for a variety of complex intertwined reasons.

He has had his one chance. Any sniff of anything else and he is out the door. He doesn't know it, but I have my own internal timelines. If he even drops remotely below par before those are reached, he will also be out the door.

At your stage of life and multiple infidelities, no. He has already had his chance and blown it over and over again.

As someone else said, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

I possibly have.

Around 6 years ago I discovered DP had been in contact with an ex girlfriend. I never discovered the extent of it although I know they did not meet in person as she lives in Middle East now. Whatever was going on, it was not entirely innocent. Not sure how long it had been going on, not particularly long.

This was discovered when my youngest child was 18 months. It had been a particularly traumatic birth and both me and DC were in and out for hospital for first 3 months.

When the contact with ex girlfriend was discovered, DP claimed it was due to lack of intimacy since the birth of younger two children (so around 4 years), and in particular since the youngests birth.

I was very angry as I felt he had no real understanding of the trauma of the birth (he knew things were bad when we were in hospital but once it was over he seemed to just forget about it. Whereas it had a severe effect on me and my mental health). However, I couldn’t deny that there really had been no sex for years, and that is hard for anybody to take.

I was in survival mode so didn’t miss it. But he clearly did.

However, he didn’t really do much to help or try to discuss this with me. We just drifted apart, and he started messaging ex girlfriend.

I was furious. As I say I never found out the extent of the messages, but based on what I understand to be the vague truth, it wasn’t enough to end the marriage over. It also would have had a detrimental effect on all of us, particularly the kids, for lots of reasons including financial.

I forgave but I certainly haven’t forgotten.

We are back on track and have a healthy sex life. If he ever did anything similar again, I would not forgive. I can understand how the lack of intimacy must have affected him so he was flattered by the attention elsewhere. But if he ever did that whilst getting attention at home from me - no way.

I guess everybody has to draw their line somewhere.

For me, the fact that there was no physical contact or attempt to meet or do anything physically meant I could forgive on this occasion. also the fact that he did it due to me being completely unavailable to him. But the flirting / inappropriate conversations/ whatever was hard to stomach and certainly was not acceptable.

At the moment my thought would be that I could not put up with that again.

It happened around 5 or 6 years ago now and I do still think about it and it has made me wary and less trusting than I was.

Never. Because I saw what staying with my Dad did to my Mum long term. By the time he met an OW worth leaving her for, she was a shadow of the person she used to be. So it's a hard line for me. And I have never thanked her for keeping the family together so please don't make that mistake. They were fine for a while, then the shit would hit the fan, arguments, rows, screaming, shouting, threats of throwing him out, then the hysterical bonding. Then fine for a while..... and on and on and on. It left me scarred, frightened to trust men at all, and DH was an incredibly patient man waiting for me to trust him. It took years.

Yes, I’d probably stay. But everyone’s different and only you know what you can tolerate.

I’d want to keep my family together. I’d want to preserve the family unit and have DH living together with the children. That’d be my priority… and I could turn a blind eye as long as he was discreet. But we’re the best of friends and could manage this sort of arrangement, I think.

I have stayed, but only because it was a drunk one night stand that he told me about within days (and happened at a time when we were going through a rough patch and neglecting each other).
If there’d been an ongoing affair or any sniff of a repeat offence it would’ve been over.

Hell nope

I stayed with a partner after discovering messages between him and someone else. Went through counselling and put it behind us. Two years later he did it again and I realised that he was never going to stop. So that was that.

In your scenario, only you can decide what to do but I think you need to be aware that he will absolutely keep doing it. If you can live with that, then you can make the relationship work but it would require you to turn a blind eye.

I wouldn’t do that again. The price is too high. I also knew (deep down) I deserved better.

No.

I would have literally tortured us both.

My husband had an affair and I stayed (after a lot of conditions were met). If he were to even look at another person in an inappropriate way again, I'd have his bags packed by the door with no discussion.

Of course you can choose to stay, but I think you'd be accepting the very real possibility of another incident. What actions has your DH taken to show remorse, build trust and become a safe partner? It's possible to do those things but I think the number of men who are truly capable of that level of emotional work is vanishingly small.

I agree with this. That is what I would do I think, one chance and if any repeat? Out the door.
That said, I have a good friend who very happily turns a blind eye to her husbands bits on the side. She believes he loves her but he has a very high sex drive (twice a night high) and she is not prepared to do that. So he has occasional "dalliances" to meet these needs (not paid). He knows she knows but they don't talk about it. She genuinely seems to not care and they have a very nice life together. Wouldn't be for me but everyone is different.

It boils down to this; Are you willing to look the other way, turn a blind eye? If you have an otherwise happy, comfortable life, could you stay & ask no questions?

Only you know what you can tolerate.

No im worth more than being his second choice.
Plus spending the next years wondering and thinking if he will do it again.
100% trust is gone and will never be coming back either.
If he loved me has he said he did why go looking elsewhere.
No matter how hard it would be to get over it id rather be single than stay with someone that would cheat.

I’m not sure how it’s better for the children to see a relationship where the father has so little respect for the mother he has cheated multiple times?

it doesn’t sound like he’s made any assurances he plans to someone change his ways

No absolutely not. To me it’s all about respect he has no respect for me if he cheats and I would have no respect for myself if I stayed with him.

You'll need regular STD tests if you choose to not dump him.
Do you own your own property, have financial independence? This boyfriend is not to be trusted in any way, and is a fundamentally terrible man, so best to secure your finances and property if you haven't already.

It hasn't happened to me but I think if one indicent occurred I could try to work through it to keep my family together, if incidents kept happening every few years then I don't think I could let that go because that just tells me it's not going to change and it's going to keep on happening

Staying is okaying.

You're basically letting him know that you're willing to put up with it so he will do it over and over again.

It hasn't happened to me, but if I was comfortable in the marriage and didn't want to break up my family I would simply stay and pursue something on the side myself. Like I say I wouldn't know until it happened but I could see myself becoming more like friends and co-parents with my partner and potentially also seeking out my emotional/sexual needs elsewhere. I'm not sure how helpful that is! I hope you're ok <3

Sorry, I absolutely would leave.

I opened this expecting it to be an isolated one-off mistake, and him being completely and utterly contrite (not that I would stay even then). Instead you have hard evidence your husband is a serial cheat, and no contrition.

You make your own decision but I wouldn’t tolerate it.

If your husband valued keeping your family together for you and your kids, then he wouldn't be cheating on you.

Nope.
It would be over for me.

Sounds like you love the lifestyle that your marriage brings.
If you stay - you'll be one of legions of women who do so.