Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

And honestly everyone sitting on their high horse and saying that size 20 is too big, OP is clearly unhealthy etc., I highly doubt you make perfect choices every single day. We all come in different shapes and sizes, it is none of your business what another adult does and shaming them into changing their habits certainly isn’t the way to do make a positive change.

If someone is sensitive about their weight asking them if they have had a check up lately will be equally triggering, I am afraid. Op says she is ok with er self but she can’t be if this has thrown her so.

someone once told me that what people think of me is none of my business.

I am conflicted about this having been on the receiving end of a very hurtful comment about my weight in the past.

I got up to a size 16 and had a BMI of 34 so was well into the obese category. But we have normalised being overweight and I think when looking around me it was easy for me to say "I know I'm fat but I don't feel obese, I look a similar size to lots of other people."

Anyway, a family member made a horrible joke at my expense one day which was basically along the lines of "if GameofJones is coming for dinner I'll double the amount of food I cook." Which was obviously an awful thing to say and really, really hurt me. But looking back it was the event that shocked me into action and made me realise that I had been deluding myself and other people could see how fat I'd become. I wouldn't recommend it but it was the singular event that made me decide I'd had enough and to finally lose weight.

Your friend sounds like she has come at it from a place of concern, and has made a mistake. If she's otherwise a good friend and has apologised I would view it for what it is.....well intentioned but ultimately something that has hurt your feelings.

Weight is such an emotive topic I do think it's best to stay away from it unless the other person brings it up. But it's very difficult when someone is going to be damaging their health through obesity to sit back and watch them. I don't think kind comments that I used to get when I was obese "you dress well", "you look great" etc ultimately helped me either.

I don’t care what anyone says, this is an incredibly hurtful thing to do. I just cannot imagine saying this to a friend. The fact that she did this via text message and didn’t have the balls to say it to your face in person says a lot too. If my friend did this to me I would absolutely let them know what I think of them and their cowardly behaviour. Just because someone is overweight it does not mean that you have the right to discount their feelings just because the appearance makes you uncomfortable.

Your friend is trying to help you and save you from a lifetime of ill health, whether you found that upsetting or not.

Your friend is trying to help you and save you from a lifetime of ill health, whether you found that upsetting or not.

Exactly this. A size 20 is far more than just "a bigger girl".
I think it is very easy to normalise wherever we are at in that moment, and maybe your friend was trying to show her concern for you, rather than upset you.

It might be worth considering whether she is usually insulting or unpleasant. Does she often criticise you (especially your appearance) or try to make you feel bad? Does she often pick you to pieces?

Because if the answer to all the above is no, then her concern is probably genuine.

She doesn't have many friends you say, OP? Well fancy that.

If you’re worried about a friends health the best thing is to say is have you had a check up with your doctor lately? Your opinion on diets and exercise ( perhaps the friend can’t exercise) is nothing compared to that of the persons doctor. Get them to a health check. I’m fat from medications and health issues that aren’t visible. It’s a complex issue and I now understand why some people are fat and also those who are underweight.

It’s a very British thing to not comment on ppls weight.
In other countries it’s (for good or bad) pretty standard.
Maybe your friend was debating saying something - as it took her a while to talk to you after her visit.
I am also bigger and losing weight. I can see how this would have been incredibly hurtful.
But I would say it shows how much your friend cares for you.

I agree.

OP, can you say a bit more about what the hurtful comments were? Why is it hurtful to say she is worried about your health?

Going from size 18 to size 20 might not seem much to you, but to a friend it might look as though you are gaining rather than going the other way and they may imagine you getting bigger and bigger. At the risk of hurting you I would say that might be alarming to them.

The same is true when people go from Size 20 to size 10. You can't recognise the person you used to know. It is such a shift that people often ask them if they're ill (happened to me). As a society we're pretty messed up about weight issues, I guess.

There’s a big difference between being a bit bigger than average and being obese. Worrying that your friend is speeding on their way to a heart attack, stroke, osteoarthritis, cancer, infertility or many other things due to their obesity doesn’t make someone a rubbish friend.

It’s not fine or normal to be clinically obese.

Of course your weight is your own business but any decent friend would be concerned about your health. I love my friends, I certainly don’t want to be standing by their graves in our 40’s or watching them go through the heartbreak of infertility and it being too late. I don’t think I’d ever say anything, but I’d absolutely think it, anybody would.

As for the self esteem, the past year or so I've changed a lot as a person. I've made new friends, got a new job, pushed myself out my comfort zone, become a lot more confident. I've felt really good about myself for a change.

----

She isn't happy in herself right now. She doesn't have a lot of friends where she lives, hates her job, and has a few health problems.

It's possible these are linked.

Has she seen you grow and change? Maybe she is trying to lower your self esteem so you don't grow away from her?

Thanks for pointing that out. I didn't notice it either.

Find other friends. I’d feel awful if a friend told me to lose weight. I’m bigger and it’s fine. It’s normal. I’ve been slim and now I’m fat. It’s how I am. It’s my own business. Feel fine about yourself.

Did OP's friend mock her? If so, that's awful, but she doesn't say that in her post.

Of course it isn't acceptable for people to mock anyone about anything.

It sounds like she’s projecting her unhappiness onto you. She was rude and massively overstepped. I would be putting boundaries in place and having distance from her, if you still want her in your life.

Hi op,

I’m really sorry that you have been hurt like this by your friend.

I went to confess something… over twenty years ago … I was her!

I had met a lovely friend walking in the park. She was from another continent, was morbidly obese, and she desperately wanted her own children one day. I had just had my own child at the time. We never discussed her weight together but she mentioned it in the context of conceiving and it was obvious that it was a source of stress and worry to her.

Anyway, I was naturally thin then and I didn’t understand about being fat or how it felt. I am fat now though and have a completely different perspective! I hold up my trousers to the window nowadays and think “how on earth do I fill these?” Because they look enormous and I don’t feel that big! But when I look in the mirror, it’s obvious that I am!

After a year or two of a lovely friendship, in which she helped me a lot with the baby, and I hosted her a lot and introduced her to people, she eventually returned to the country of her birth and we kept in touch by email and one day, after many more months of not conceiving, she sent some great news saying that a relative was willing to fund a one-off round of IVF to help her dh and her get pregnant!

And this is where it all went wrong because although I was massively happy and excited for her, I basically said something like; “how brilliant for you and I hope you can lose some weight in advance to make the very most of this opportunity”. 🙈

I did not put it as crassly as that but nonetheless it was a really insensitive comment and I obviously have regretted it ever since. It really did come from
a good place because I desperately wanted her to have the joy of a child! I was thinking about her weight as an aside if that makes sense! But it was not my business to say that and I was wrong.

Anyway I deservedly got a very terse reply back and although I replied apologising profusely, I never heard from her again.
Back then I thought that losing weight was quite easy! How wrong I was!

I don’t know if this story gives you a different perspective op, or not, but I can understand how upset you feel! I was genuinely happy for my friend and didn’t want her IVF to fail. Equally I was very wrong to comment about her weight.

It’s a strange thing about friendships too, and something I am never sure about, At what point do you cross over the line from pleasant company and chit chat to supporting one another to actually having conversations that are difficult?

I thought that we were close enough for our friendship to take a comment like that as she had raised these issues before with me (unlike in your situation) and had not held back her opinions about my house, or how I had organised it, and had been quite bossy to me at times! But my judgement was totally wrong and I should have realised that weight and IVF were much more sensitive subjects.

Ultimately though, can friendships grow if we only discuss superficial, non-controversial subjects? Maybe they can? Two decades later, I have certainly learnt only to offer advice when it is asked for!

It’s obviously up to you how you handle this going forward! But going from my own experience, I suspect that your friend was genuinely worried for you. And I hope that you can eventually rescue your relationship. Equally, I understand how this has changed things for you!

But surely she knew her dress size.

It’s just weird to give unsolicited advice like this. We know we’re fat. If a friend did this to me I would completely ignore her message like I never received it.

If I need advice I ask for it.

since you’ve spoken about it and she said sorry, I would try to let it go. You know whether she will have meant well or not. And she is probably projecting as most people are.

My sister is huge. Really big. A lot bigger than you! I don’t mention her weight to her, she doesn’t talk about it but I can’t imagine she’ll be alive to see her daughter grow up - I guess she might manage 10 years max.

No one says anything to her and who knows if they should or not. Perhaps when she’s dead we’ll all be wringing our hands and saying we should have helped her and sent links to chair yoga and shit. 🤷‍♀️

She probably means well, but I understand how that must have felt. Just tell her what you've said here.

If you don’t mind me asking how much weight/dress sizes have you gained over the 7 years she hasn’t seen you? If it’s crept on, you won’t have noticed it to the extent she has.

OP has said she has gone up one dress size in that time.

Go away or that, what a load of waffle to excuse a rude, nasty individual OR an individual with serious issues with food OR somebody who needs to be told to stop worrying about other people's weight and maybe spend some time on self-reflection on how to become a better person.