Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

Look at it from the friend’s perspective - she is obviously concerned about your health, if you are on the heavy side. And whereas being fit and doing exercise is obviously much better than sitting around eating junk food, being overweight is still bad for your health. No amount of body positivity changes that.
Maybe she was thinking that if anything ever did happen to you health wise - eg heart attack, she would feel terrible if she had said nothing, as she might have been able to prevent it by trying to help you. I think mentioning something once is fair enough, repeatedly going on about something isn’t. Try to see it less as criticism and more as her trying to be a good friend who cares about you, if she is that good a friend?

How is this collusion in denial?

The friend had zero idea what the OP felt about her weight as they didn’t discuss it either way! As far as she knows, the OP could have been about to embark upon a diet and had been seing the doctor regularly etc. Saying nothing to a friend isn’t being in denial, it is respecting their autonomy and giving them the credit of being able to manage their own health.

No one talking about my weight has ever helped me lose weight. It’s something I had to decide and tackle for myself. Comments would just make me feel bad about myself, make the situation worse.

@LittleMermaidRose Your weight is none of her business. That's about it.
I would message her saying that you find it odd how she feels entitled to make comments about your body. And that going forward, her judgement disguised as worry will make it super awkward spending time together.

You don't have to spend time with people who judge you. Let them judge if it amuses them. But you don't have to give them your time and effort.

Yes. These are the stats from 2022 as it takes a while to collect and process but it won't be significantly different now (although perhaps WL drugs may have helped)

In 2022, approximately 61% of adult women in England were classified as either overweight or obese. This figure includes those with a Body Mass Index (BMI) between 25 and 30 (overweight) and those with a BMI of 30 or higher (obese). While men are more likely to be overweight or obese overall, a slightly larger proportion of women are obese compared to men.

Here's a more detailed breakdown:
Overweight: In 2022, 31% of adult women in England were classified as overweight but not obese.

Obese: In 2022, 29.6% of adult women were classified as obese.

Combined: When combining both overweight and obese categories, the total proportion of adult women in England affected is 61%.

I don’t see it as being a good friend to collude in denial.

I have a friend who’s overweight and has PCOS. She been having issues with facial hair. One day she put on our group WhatsApp that she’d given up on the hair removal and posted a picture of her with a small beard.

A few of the group told her she looked fine, others stayed quiet. I contacted her to ask if she was ok as to me it looked like a cry for help. It was. She then removed it.

What kind of friend can stay silent and let their friend walk outside with a beard in good conscience?

I will never trust that group to be honest with me.

Assuming her intervention came from a place of concern (given she is a friend I think that's a reasonable assumption) it's really very surprising she felt it was appropriate to bring it up when you hadn't.

I have a friend who's weight has fluctuated in the past; sometimes she brings it up and we talk about it, sometimes she doesn't and we don't. I don't mention it when I see her and she has lost weight either because I feel like that might make her think I am 'noticing' every time but only not mentioning it when she has gained weight.

I am sorry she has made you feel so insecure about the time you spent with her, that must be very upsetting for you.

I really don't understand this, why would it take your friends or your family telling you that you are overweight for you to realise that you are overweight?

You knew you had gained 5 stones, you just either were okay with it or it was too hard for you to lose the weight so you just lived with it. You most likely did look lovely and your friends are probably of the opinion that it is the person on the inside who they love, and it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, so kept their noses out of it.

No one but you is responsible for policing your eating habits and lifestyle or passing judgement on it.

Its a weird coincidence that she mentioned ttc, when you are, and she doesn't know. That, added to the timing, after the visit with no comment or whatsoever during it, makes me wonder if someone is worried about you, who does know you're ttc may have asked her to have a word.

Is this a serious question? A large number of people being overweight does not mean that it is the best size to be. Even if everybody was a size 18 apart from one person, it would still not be a healthy weight for the majority.

Never comment on somebody’s weight or fertility, unless you’re a doctor and the patient has come to you with a related problem. That’s my philosophy in life and I have no regrets.

OP you should distance yourself from this friend. She knew what she was doing and it was not kind. Of course you know what weight you are, and of course you have others around you who see you regularly and who can support you if needed. Her comment was not needed. It’s even worse that she stewed on it for a while before messaging you. She needs to get a life.

I suspect she may feel threatened by the new more confident you.

For everyone saying size 20 is big.why are over half the female. population size 16 or more as I read only recently. Are we nearly all overweight then.

I'd find the links to the videos and diets incredibly patronising and that would wind me up far more than being called fat.

If you're fat and you've gained weight and someone says - wow you gained weight - its calling a spade a spade but I get that I'm not sensitive about my own body struggles. When I've been fat it doesn't upset me when someone has stated that fact.

But being sent links on how to lose weight would massively piss me off. I'm fat not thick and for that I wouldn't want to continue the friendship.

As she is a lifelong friend, I think you need to see this as a family member worrying about you, it doesn’t sound spiteful, just thoughtless.
Weight is a really emotive issue but there are cultural differences around how acceptable it is to mention it, some nationalities will tell you straight that you are too fat and it isn’t meant unkindly. She may be around people who talk a lot about weight and weight concerns . I would tell a friend that this had upset me, that I am aware and that I’m trying to address it, but I wouldn’t lose a lifelong friend over one comment. I was very thin until I was 40 and had a baby, an old friend commented that I was fatter, but he didn’t mean to upset me, he’s just very blunt.

This would be friendship ending for me. Not only that she thought it, that she wrote me an email about it. It says a lot about how judgmental and self-righteous she is.

Excess weight is a huge negative factor on health, even if you're fit and active. I think it's actually quite odd that it's so taboo to be honest with people about this. If you're not being honest with yourself about it, maybe it's just that she cares about you enough to risk the friendship by saying something.

My father used to keep an eye on my weight. If I crept above a size 12 he’d be making comments, and I would start to eat less and exercise more. My partner was the same! When they died I put on 4 stone over 7 years! I’ve just lost it again. Now they are gone, I feel grateful that they tried to help me stay healthy.

If she is genuinely worried about your health I think it’s caring but clumsy

I have BMI of over 40 and none of my friends would ever say anything like this to me because if they did, I would not be friends with them for much longer. I don't buy the ' they are just being kind' line. I prefer my friends to give me advice only if I ask for it and I do the same for them. All of them are aware of my problems with weight because they can see them and I sometimes talk about it, though less and less often over the years. Fine if you think that real friends say what they think but if the main thing on the mind of my friend is my weight then I don't want them as a friend - simple as that.

The fact is that someone with a BMI of 40+ is very likely to have tried a number of ways to lose weight and has been unsuccessful

I have a number of areas in my life where I have succeeded, unfortunately in this very very public way (my weight), I have failed. Why would I want a friend who constantly draws attention to the one thing I have failed at ? I don't, I have eough strangers and enemies who do that. I like my firends because they are fun to be around and because I enjoy their company, not because they give me 'helpful advice' or because they are 'kind' or 'do kind things for me'

I accept the haranguing (with bad grace) from health professionals because it is their job - though it is particuarly ineffective with me, and sometimes from family because I can't choose them but absolutely not from my friends. I just don't have the patience for it any more

I have a long standing friend, who’s always, in her own words ‘been a larger lady.’ I’ve watched over the years as she’s developed many weight related issues. It’s been very hard to say nothing, as we (including her) are all aware of the problem. It’s a no-go area.

Recently they’ve experienced a life changing event, partly weight related & certainly going forward a situation that will be far more difficult to come back from given her size.

Despite all the above nobody discusses with her such a fundamental obstacle to her regaining her health. I’ve wrestled with myself as to whether to raise the subject. I haven’t. She’s my friend & I love her, I want her to know she can trust me & depend upon me.

It’s clearly something she could talk about if she wanted to - we talk about everything else. But she doesn’t want to, & who am I to force her? I know that people’s relationship with food can be very complex. My friendship with her means more to me than me being ‘right’ about what she should do.

So could you still fit into your size 10 jeans after you gained 5 stone? You didn’t once notice the weight gain? It makes me feel sad that you feel you can’t trust yourself in any shape or form.

Tell her how you feel. Tell her you think she’s overstepped the mark if you think she has.
My friend of 15 years did this to me when I was anorexic and she hadn’t seen me for a long time. She told me exactly what she thought and why she was worried. It was unsolicited and she was right. I wasn’t interested to hear it at the time and told her. She respected that but was not sorry. We’ve now been friends 35 years, still rarely see each other but she’s never been one to beat around the bush. That’s why I love her!!

It absolutely IS really awful. It's absolutely none of friend's business and is very hurtful. It's never a good idea to make unsolicited remarks about someone else's body. You have no idea why they are the way they are at all.

OP, I would message back to her again saying "I am quite happy as I am thank you very much. If I want advice I will ask for it."

It's a comment on someone's appearance dressed up as concern for their health

maybe it’s not though? Most people wouldn’t be so offended at a friends appearance they would say something a good friend it would be coming from a good place, even if unwelcome.

Look if you’ve gained lots of weight since she last saw you and it’s shocked her shes probably genuinely trying to help. You’ve said you didn’t appreciate it- she’s apologised. What else can she do?!

People can see if you're overweight?
no shit Sherlock!