Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

I’d be upset yes, but i’d also consider her intent. My best friend is very overweight and it’s impacting on her health now. I’ve never said anything, but part of me thinks if something terrible happened, I might feel maybe I should have said something. But of course she is aware, and I just hope she does do something about it.

I'm sorry that you're feeling understandably upset, a friend has no right to make comments about your weight. If someone genuinely IS overweight they're going to be very aware of it, they certainly don't need to have it pointed out to them!

I let a friendship peter out after a friend made a few digs about my weight, and also implied I'd made a mistake about a (sensible) life choice I'd made. I found her comments, especially about my weight, rude, patronising and bang out of order, and ended up thinking before saying anything that would give her the opportunity to mention it. I realised that it's not a true friendship if you can't completely be yourself, and will no longer tolerate feeling unfairly judged by a friend. When these comments are made it changes the dynamics - you don't feel as relaxed with them, and for me the friendship will never be the same. It's sad when a friendship ends, but being true to myself is more important than keeping a friendship going that no longer works for me.

I think it’s harder to say something than not to. I have a friend I’ve known for many years who has really got big in the past couple of years. She walks with a stick now due to her bad knees, has diabetes recently diagnosed and is really struggling to get about. She’s very body positive, and I bite my tongue when she says she doesn’t like chocolate, crisps and has a good diet etc, when the truth is that she eats enormous portions of food. I nod and smile. I don’t dare say anything

Cheeky mare, she didn't even have the guts to say it to your face, she'd clearly been thinking about it all the time she was there too, I'd get rid.

Maybe she was looking at it from the opposite perspective - she saw all these positive changes in you while you were together, so hoped that you're now strong & resilient enough to face this uncomfortable issue and deal with it, with a bit of a nudge from her. If it came from a place of love, and you're medically significantly overweight, I think she was right to say something.

I'm fat too, it crept up on me, and now I'm in my 50s it's become really hard to shift it. It's harder to lose weight the older you get, so worth tackling asap.

You might not want to hear this, but I don’t think she’s being concerned about you, I think she’s being shallow.
I wouldn’t want to bother with her anymore if I were you - wouldn’t consider this over reacting.
But it’s up to you how seriously you want to take this comment, so you’re a bit chubby, so what - don’t let her upset you 💐

OP only you know if this is worth losing the friendship over.
I think she was insensitive and it is none of her business.
I have a friend who is massively overweight but I would never comment on her size or tell her she needs to do something about it, it wouldn't enter my head to do so.

I put on a lot of weight and few years back, and it was because I was very sedentary, eating and drinking too much.

My friends all told me I looked great and I was a lovely size. I wasnt, I had an obese BMI and was horrifically unhealthy.

Their lying drove me mad! However, I do think your friend has gone about it the wrong way, giving unsolicited advice is normally a terrible idea. She probably does care but she's gone too far & it's absolutely fine for you to tell her that.

I wonder if shes a bit threatened by you? My first thought was that she must be. Are you beautiful and/or successful with a happy life and she is missing something of what you have? No-one in their right mind would be such a rude bastard. I think shes threatened by you in some way.

You could reply and say you were thinking the same about her but would never have been so rude to say it to her face.X😉

My Dad did! He meant it in a concerned way and I never have admitted to him that I now have diabetes as a result of being fat ☹️better to be honest when it’s someone you cherish and don’t want to lose

All those saying that was a totally ok thing to do, because she was just sooo concerned about OPs health, would you literally turn around to your loved ones out of the blue and say ‘you need to go to weight watchers’ that’s what a bully would say, that’s not concern…I’d never say that to someone I loved.

Sounds like she is genuinely trying to help you as it might have been a shock to her to see that you have piled on weight since you last met. Is she nice in other ways? Is it because you know deep down that it is true that it is so hurtful? My Dad bought me a slimming book once and I remember being surprised and shocked as we sort of mistakenly all secretly hope that other don’t notice when we put on weight. The truth hurts and she’s tried to tell you nicely I guess as being overweight is a significant health risk. I would stay friends but tell her you feel hurt and don’t want to hear about it anymore

The problem is you risk the friendship (bit of a rock and a hard place). You say something and you get shot down, you don’t say something you get shot down.

OP do you think she's noticed the changes in you in the last year especially you being more confident and good in yourself plus making new friends and she used your weight under the faux guise to knock you down a peg or two.

Either way she's rude and I wouldn't feel comfortable in her company going forward.

That's dreadful. She should mind her own business.

I can 100 pc see why you feel the way you do, and I would not like it, but I can also see that she was trying to care for you too. It's hard when you have people you love and you think they are suffering in some way. I think she was genuinely trying to be caring not insulting. I think in reality we hate being judged , I know I do, but also that we all do it at times. She could have said nothing , but she put herself on the line cos she thought it was the right thing to do , even if she was way off the mark and probably shouldn't have.

The only rational reason I can think is that she knows you work out and eat healthily and are still a bit overweight - maybe she is worried there is a health issue and she wants you to get checked out? She shouldn't have done this obviously but I just can't imagine why someone would say this unless they were just extremely worried for some reason

Sure. Being overweight is not healthy, but don't you think people who actually are overweight know it?!
They dont need health and exercise tips from 'friends'. They dont need their weight pointed out.
Eating habits, body image and exercise are very personal complex things and sometimes tied to deep inner wounds. You shouldnt feel the need to make yourself feel superior by pointing out the flaws of others.

Exactly and I personally think body positivity goes against health. Yes, we have wonderful bodies that take care of us, but we are responsible for our bodies and need to take care of them and respect them.

Sad you say you care but offer zero support and don’t say anything. Sounds more like you’re so worried about conflict you don’t support your sisters!! If you can’t tell family you don’t have a good relationship.

My mum does this. I appreciate that she cares. She doesn’t say it in a nasty way. I struggle with my weight and am always trying to lose it. It’s hard something, I never had an issue before, but once in ‘that’ age group as a woman it’s bloody hard.

I understand how you feel OP. It's awful when people feel they can comment on other people's weight. Sending weightloss tips and assuming she knows how you feel about your body without knowing the full circumstances and without you opening the subject up is incredibly patronising. I feel she's been very rude and thoughtless, despite probably feeling like she's being well meaning.

I can empathise. I've had similar experiences. A colleague suggested we needed to start looking after ourselves more and exercising, when I was doing about 6 hours of HIIT exercise a week. A good friend once, when drunk, and asked me if I knew I had a belly (I definitely did). Another time, she suggested I eat fewer takeaways. I'd been diagnosed with an underactive thyroid, which she knew, and I was in the early months of treatment which has taken years to get right. I'm still cross when I think about those conversations and wish I'd handled them better at the time. I was really hurt and shocked by my usually lovely friend's thoughtless comments, so I tried not to react and just ended the conversations as quickly as possible. I'm not sure I would let it go completely now though.

I just wanted to say I don't think you are overreacting at all and I think it's important that you do respond to her. I think your answer will depend on the tone you choose and how much information you now want to share about your life and the circumstances you mention. People on Mumsnet are often really good at suggesting good responses, so I hope you get some good advice here.

Maybe she got it wrong how she approached this with you and was scared to say it to you, but was worried. It’s easy to think people are being mean, I very much doubt that was her intention, sounds like she really cares to say that. You haven’t said how much overweight you are, but sounds like she did hit a nerve.

She’s right that being overweight can lead to health issues. A waist over 85 cm plus BMI over 25 is considered dangerous and can lead to any of the following (below). I say this as someone diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and I was basically told a few years earlier at a 40+ health check I was fat by a nurse who then gave me zero advice and it felt like a complete judgement. I went home not really thinking I was that bad and probably crammed in a load of chocolate and cake.

I was perimenopausal but had no idea about this and why I was putting on weight. I became hopeless about it. We don’t know your age.

All I can say is if your friend is worried, take her advice as well meaning and do something now. It only gets worse as you get older as women. I’d recommend a keto diet though, not weight watchers. Fast 800 keto is good.

Type 2 diabetes: Abdominal fat can interfere with insulin sensitivity, leading to diabetes.
High blood pressure: Excess abdominal fat can contribute to hypertension.
High cholesterol and atherosclerosis: This can lead to coronary heart disease and stroke.
Certain cancers: Increased risk of bowel, breast, and womb cancer has been linked to obesity.
Other conditions: Gastro-oesophageal reflux disease (GORD), gallstones, reduced fertility, osteoarthritis, and sleep apnoea.

I do really feel for you. I’ve had the same situation where comments have been made and it stings. It stings because it’s something I’m conscious of, something that I’m embarrassed about and it gets me down. Knowing that a friend has focused on those same flaws will really hurt.

However, you say she’s a good friend so it’s not likely she reached out in this way to be spiteful. I think she’s worried about you, about your health and thought she was doing the right thing. The fact she waited so long after her visit suggests she wrestled with saying anything at all, but likely decided it was in your best interests to say something.

I hope you can work through it with her x