Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

In other cultures (Korea for example) weight is talked about as a fact, as a health concern.

And at the end of the day it is a fact. And she is concerned about you.

I wouldn’t throw the friendship away.

'Coming from a place of concern....?'

Well actually my thought was when she went home she had been showing her friends/ family pictures of her visit and they had commented on OP's weight. And that was what prompted her to message OP after this length of time. And that is a horrible thought.
I still feel if she was really concerned she would have tried to start a discussion at the time and to do it by message, after OP thought the visit had gone well, is downright nasty.

Sometimes being honest is not seen as the right thing to be. It is up to you how you wish to proceed going forward. But it might be worth taking the time to self reflect, and get in the best shape that you can be, when ttc.

I think a lot of you are being harsh on the friend. I think it's coming from a place of concern, and I don't see it as rude.

Why is this different to someone telling a friend they're concerned about their; drinking, gambling, shopping, spending, debt etc etc. Being overweight is bad for our health.

This. Someone who loves you expressed concern because she cares. She doesn't think you sit around doing nothing and eating junk. She didn't say anything like that.

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Perhaps she can help you.

But don't throw away a friendship on a clumsy comment that came from a good place.

She sounds like a real friend, OP.

Sorry you were hurt. It sounds like you’re on the road to better health already.

It’s difficult to tell if she was just being bitchy or genuinely cares about you and wants to help.

What she said is correct though. So I’m thinking she does care.

Maybe go back and tell her that it hurt you to read, but that youre all over your heath and well-being issues yourself so all good thanks.

Up to you if you stay pals. Shame to lose someone that cares because they told you the truth and you didnt like to hear it. Keep working on your health, sounds like you’re doing what’s best for you now.

Concern troll. Anyone who genuinely wants to help you would first ask if you wanted help.Then they would ask questions before making sweeping statements. What you got was someone who thinks you should be less fat. Not healthier or happier, just conforming more to the approved aesthetic. All they deserve is a rocket.

Honestly I’d find that deeply controlling and I’d think she was projecting her own insecurities about how people need to be to make her feel comfortable onto you

I am fat and I need to address it but life has gotten in the way for me and it has not been a priority until now. If a friend had dared to mention it the way your friend did I would not be impressed.

Probably because it took her by surprise how big OP had become and she had to process how to say anything. It’s very difficult but it can also be a sign of a true friend. One who cares more about their friend’s well being than how they end up being perceived.

if someone I cared about was drinking way too much alcohol or taking drugs and it was evident their health was likely affected I would say something. Because sometimes that’s what it takes for someone to realise they need help with something.

OP how big are you? Were you making poor food choices a lot when friend was with you? Have you grown a lot bigger since they last saw you?

100% bin her. What a nasty thing to say. How fucking DARE she?

Block and delete and ghost her...

I can't imagine a world in which I would think it was appropriate or my place to tell a friend she's fat and give unsolicited advice about weight loss. It's insane.

It's not a delicate subject that needs to be carefully broached it's a giant mind-your-own-sodding-business subject that needs no mention whatsoever.

I'm not surprised your hurt it is so crushingly insensitive.

She was bothered enough about you to actually raise this with you. Mostly people don't. If you are over weight it's a fact - people can see it. Most people don't care enough about you to do this but they still notice if you're fat. Get over yourself.

It doesn't sound like she was judging you. We notice when people are overweight, just like we notice the colour of their hair. It sounds like she has come at this from a place of concern for your health rather than a judgement on your looks. Being concerned for someone you care about when they are overweight is valid and she is right in that it can impact health and fertility. I wouldn't give up a close friendship over this.
The fact you didn't mention it maybe had her wondering if you had noticed yourself. I gained a lot of weight at one point and actually didn't realise how big I was at the time. I'd been living in leggings and tunics, it was only when I shopped for jeans that I realised I'd gone up several dress sizes so sometimes people don't realise they're overweight.

Totally agree. WTAF?!

I'd block her.
She had no right to assume that she was your saviour.
What a dick.

Only you know if the friendship is worth continuing but if it is, I think you have to be honest about how much this has hurt you and why.
There could be a number of reasons why she’s said it (from a culture where they are blunt, no understanding of social norms, a spectacular lack of empathy, was hammered and sent a message) but just because there was no intention to hurt you doesn’t mean she didn’t.
IMO For the friendship to survive and more forward it’s crucial she understands, apologises unreservedly and STFU about weight. Don’t be fooled into thinking you are unreasonable here

I worry a lot about my sister's weight though I've never said this to her as I don't think it would be helpful.

Same here. My sister now has insulin dependent T2 diabetes and lots of health issues associated with that. She takes more medication than a close friend who has had a stroke and cancer. If course I am worried about her, but I would never comment on her weight.

Why do people assume fat people do not know we’re fat?

@LittleMermaidRose your friend is worried about you and tried to find a way to raise it and to help. Obviously it's a sensitive subject, so it would be hard to find a good way to raise it. But your belief that she must have been silently judging you is attributing malice where there likely was none. You're projecting. She cares about you, so she's worried about your health. That's not hard to understand.

You said her comments lowered your self-esteem. You're blaming her. I think your self-esteem was already low and her comments have made you more aware of it.

Good, long-term friends are precious. This one's been your friend since childhood and values you enough to travel a long way to see you (as well as to risk broaching a delicate topic). Unless there's a massive dripfeed, it would be foolish to allow it to 'destroy' your friendship. If you were prepared to do that, that would make you not a good friend. Good friendships are worth fighting for, even if your feelings are hurt.

I think it depends OP. Is she saying these things out of love for you? If you are significantly overweight, then it can really affect your health especially if you are looking to have a baby. If I had a close friend ,who I really cared for, then I would probably say something (in a tactful way) if I thought that her weight was going to cause her health issues. It is so hard to be a normal weight with modern life so I definitely wouldn't be saying it to shame you though. I think it is very easy to become overweight and very difficult to lose weight particularly the older you get. I would look at her motivation. Is she trying to be mean and make herself look good (in which case she is not a good friend) or does she really care about you and want the best for you?

I worry a lot about my sister's weight though I've never said this to her as I don't think it would be helpful. Could you talk to your doctor just for a sanity check to see if they feel your weight is healthy? They could give you a neutral opinion, if they do say your weight is unhealthy then you'll know that your friend is trying to look out for you because she really values your friendship and wants you to be around for a long time.