Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

She is clearly concerned for you / about you, and may have thought for weeks about what to say and how to say it.

Maybe during the time she was with you she realised the quantity you eat or the type of food you eat.

Do you maybe think you are in denial about the actual size you are as you admit you are a bigger girl but not how big in the bigger and this may be why ' Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about. '

'but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. '

Are you trying to lose weight ? do you want to lose weight ? Only you know the answer.

I guess you are not happy being a ' bigger ' girl or her suggestion would not have affected your self esteem so much ?

Its none of her business quite frankly.

I would tell her that she has shattered your self esteem and you dont need someone else telling you your fat.

I think many obese people are quite happy in themselves and don’t care. I know it’s beyond the imagination of many on here, but they might enjoy food and going out for dinner and good company. I know many bigger people that are happy just as they are. Honestly people are allowed to be successful, fulfilled and happy - even if they are bigger. They might even be happier who knows!

This. Ultimately if OP wants to address it, a good friend will listen and say sorry for hurting her feelings, and explain where it came from.

Proper friendships can withstand this sort of thing, saying something that is hurtful or doesn't go down well and it being discussed.

And if she is a friend she'll realise her mistake and understand better

I think we should have a right to say things to our friends that they don’t like or wants to hear

people often lie to themselves , and harming yourself - well she wouldn’t be much of a friend to not worry about the harm you do to yourself

Wow what a nasty thing for her to do.

The part of it that gets me most is that, IF you wanted to change your body you are perfectly capable of using google yourself to browse the thousands of weight loss methods and/or exercise routines. She's treated you like you are a moron or something! You are perfectly entitled to ring her and have a right go at her for sending such a nasty message!

Your body shape and weight is none of her business, anyway! There are people of all shapes in the world and her job is to be tolerant of all shapes and sizes.

Unfortunately if OP hasn't had any recent health issues their GP might not even know their current weight.

And depending on where she spends time IRL and online, there are an awful lot of people saying that you should instruct your doctor never to weigh you, or discuss your weight with you. Sounds bonkers but it's true.

I can just see why a good friend might err on the side of saying something than not.

OP if you don't want to throw the friendship away, like you've said, I really think you need to tell her what you've said here about how you feel

This isn't actually true. It's a common myth that people who are overweight/obese know. That's great that you're conscious and reflective on this stuff, but you definitely don't speak for everyone.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/nov/14/obese-britons-dont-think-they-have-weight-problem

"A team funded by Cancer Research UK compared people’s perceptions of their weight in 2007 and again in 2012. They asked over 650 survey respondents whose height and weight gave them a BMI (body mass index) of 30 or more, which is defined as obese, to indicate how they would describe their own weight. In 2007, only 13% of women and 4% of men considered themselves to be obese, and in 2012 that dropped to 11% and 7%."

It wouldn’t change my opinion. Its the doctor’s job to inform her of any health risks not mine.

My job is to support, celebrate and care for my friends, not judge them and pretend I am superior by giving them unsolicited advice.

Some people don't know when to keep their gobs shut (or fingers tied together) How dare she say this to you. That's extremely hurtful and I imagine it's not something you need pointed out to you. No doubt you know you're overweight. I would point out to her that you know your size, you aren't completely oblivious . I wouldn't bother with her anymore tbh.

Did you read mine?

I also think people jumping to criticise the friend probably have a mental image where you've put a stone or two on and gone from BMI 23 to 26 or something.

For all we know you could be obese or morbidly so, which is a real, severe heath risk. If that's the case then surely you can see why a friend would be really worried and try help, even clumsily? She probably loves you and wants you around for a long time to come.

To other posters, if OP was BMI 40, would that change your mind on whether the friend was right to say something or not?

Did you even read my post?

The fact is I very much doubt you are in the category of serious health issues op. The concern for health is not real at all. Many bigger people are healthier than slim people for instance - particularly those that exercise regularly and eat well.

I think it was your confidence and happiness that irked her. Is she happy with her own life?

She said some real hurtful and untrue things to you and a real friend doesn’t take you down op. You haven’t seen this woman for 7 years and when you do she hurts you like this. I think I’d drop her. An old friend doesn’t equate to a good friend.

I have a bigger friend and couldn’t care any less, it’s the person I care about. She dresses really well, she is super intelligent and has a great career, happily married (with 2 dc) and is beautiful in my eyes.

You need real friends op, not links to recipes! Honestly. Be happy in your own skin.

It's hard to say OP without knowing your BMI, if it's let's say 27 that's a totally different scenario to it being over 30. Not that you have to say.

Ultimately it depends on how you see friendships and what you want from them. Personally, I would appreciate that my friend cared enough to say something even at the risk of it being hard to hear.

I put on a few stone recently and one of the first things my dad said when we met after a few months was 'wow, you're looking... different' haha. He's the loveliest man and didn't mean anything hurtful, no history of anything of that kinda at all. It just really took him aback as I was much bigger than the last time he'd seen me! He was right of course.

If you only want friends who will tiptoe around and avoid saying difficult truths then that's absolutely okay, and you of course can decide what you want to do with this friendship. But gently, I'd encourage you to think through what she said. If you were truly happy with your size I would imagine it wouldn't bother you as much.

I didn't want to be bigger at all and hated it but it didn't bother me someone else noticed and said something, it's just fact. I've lost it now but I can see why for some people they might not act until they get some kind of wake up call like your friend has given you.

I would value her honesty.

Yes obviously I’m not suggesting you or the OP is in Korea 🙄 Seeing things from multiple perspectives can sometimes be helpful.

She is a good friend and her intentions were good. She wanted to help you. It's okay to reply, no thanks I'm not interested. I'm sure she thought she was helping you from a health perspective. Have you put on alot more weight since she's seen you last? It may have surprised her and she's been thinking of a way to broach the topic with you.i wouldn't throw away a good friend over this. Yes my pride would feel hurt at first but I'd know she meant well.

I had a friend do this to me once. And it really stung because again it was absolutely out of the blue. However, when I stepped back and looked at it objectively, it was really her projecting her own insecurities/health anxiety/stereotypes and myths around obesity onto me.

I disagree with the pp who said people need to be told, I think the vast majority of overweight people know they're overweight and know what their diet looks like because they own mirrors, they wear clothes they have to shop for and they purchase what they eat. So while there may be nuances around amounts etc, most people don't need it spelt out in this way.

Personally, I think you should tell her for the sake of the friendship and so you can have some closure. This is also about putting a safe boundary in place for yourself so you know she isn't going to blindside you with this again.

I'd tell her that you are raising this because you care about her and the friendship and this is sitting uncomfortably with you so you need her to understand that her unsolicited comments about your weight were hurtful and shaming, that you are aware of your weight but you don't owe her or anyone else an explanation of your diet or exercise. I'd say that her comments around fertility were completely inappropriate and hurtful and that your fertility, along with any other health related issue you may have is not up for discussion. I would say that while she probably has good intentions, she handled this badly and insensitively and in future you'd appreciate it if she didn't make any comments on this topic.

It sounds like you've been doing great at working on yourself op and just because she has made stupid comments doesn't mean that progress or effort was all for naught.

I do think it would be good to reflect on whether or not she's the type of friend who is happy when you're doing well or if she likes being the one who's doing 'better'.

I'm pretty sure most of us here are not in Korea. And I have Korean friends who would never dream of being so rude to a British friend, because they are capable of understanding that cultures and expectations are different from country to country.

Oh come on. She said she was concerned that OP wouldn't be able to have kids because of her health - in what world is that an appropriate thing to say to someone? Would you think that was okay if it related to any other health condition? What about if the OP was really slim? Would it be okay to comment on her body, health, reproductive abilities, eating habits etc then? You only think it's okay because it's about overweight, and you buy into the idea that overweight adults are stupid and need educating.

OP, MN is absolutely terrible for horrible moral and personal judgements about weight and weight loss. As you can read in these comments. Your friend may be a good friend in some ways, but launching an out of context verbal assault on your body and lifestyle was not good behaviour and I would encourage you, for your own sake, to not let it go. You don't have to stop being friends completely, if you don't want to, but she should be under no illusions that what she did was insulting, rude, patronising, and has broken your trust.

Do you think that the person gaining weight doesn't notice? Do you think they never noticed old clothes not fitting anymore, their appearance changing in the mirror the different treatment they get from people?

Trust me, we know. We don't need other people telling us we got bigger. It's not something you can ignore. So a friend acting all "concerned" like we couldn't possibly have noticed is really insulting.

It also makes the friend look shallow.

The friend is also not OP´s doctor, so they should keep their nose out and keep their unsolicited opinions to themselves.