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Original poster

Holiday day three… not going brilliantly

262 replies

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 00:00

Hmmmm, so I feel I might really be unreasonable here, thus the post. I would say we are a classic family of four, with 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son and typical marital disputes (some money, some mental load, some basic male uselessness…). Most notably,’husband has been away a lot over the past few months (due to work, but not entirely essential work) and the kids have clearly noticed this and felt slighted by this (as I have, in terms of picking up the slack, too).

So now, we are on long awaited holiday where we can all take a breath and reconnect… and somehow we are not all falling into the happy family patterns that husband anticipates. And it all comes to a head with: the film watching experience of tonight..Always a bit of a sore spot for us as I will happily comment and yap away- and he prefers total silence. Now, the kids and I try to respect this when watching a new film, but honestly, find it a bit ridiculous when doing a rewatch ..and also isn’t the bloody point of watching a film together as a family to do some bonding shit talk?!? So, complete nightmare following reasonably pleasant day when we decide to watch Harry Potter 1 (seen maybe 8-10 times as a family???) and we are chastised within the first 10 mins for talking too much. At this point, I most definitely do not take the moral high ground, but say he is acting as a massive asshat - and had I known movie silence would be required I may not have married him… this traumatising children who actually think this is a declaration of divorce. Everything then minimised and I pretend to sleep for the rest of the film (ah- keeping quiet and not talking!), but now the kids upset and the bloody husband claiming he has no idea why everyone is so on edge…. Do I just pretend all is normal and completely eat the ‘film silence’ shit… or do I stay strong and make this an issue?!! .

OP posts:
MrsMitford3 · 08/07/2025 07:46

@Sealhaver we would def chat during a millionth re-watch of harry potter and often do.

My DH used to travel a lot when the DC were younger and the dynamic when he came back always needed to be recalibrated. We got on with it and he wasn't a part of the day to day dynamic. He had a client in america and was gone often and frequently for week to 10 days. Long enough to get used to living in a hotel and thinking only of himself which def showed on his return.

It sounds to me like your DH is not thinking of the whole family/what the DC would like but thinking of how he wants things. Because he is used to being in "hotel mode" and thinking only of himself. I can not imagine a grown man/father insisting Harry Potter be watched in silence with his DC. It's not the bloody Matrix where you have to pay attention.

We used to joke about him needing to get back to family mode and it sounds like your DH is not there. I don't blame you for being annoyed and I don't think he should insist on silence on holiday-he should want to hear their observations and show they are more important to him than the plot of Harry Potter.

This isn't about watching a film in silence-this is about him not engaging.
Think you need a chat when the kids aren't around to reset parameters of family life on holiday.

And I plan on using asshat at the next opportunity!

yakkity · 08/07/2025 07:45

Can we go back to the working away thing. Not totally essential. What actually is it? Why is it not really essential?

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 07:44

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 08/07/2025 07:35

Enjoy your holiday

Fat chance!

WaltzingWaters · 08/07/2025 07:44

FrodoBiggins · 08/07/2025 00:43

I think it's a bit weird that your DH would rather silently re-(re-re-re-re-re-re-)watch what is definitely a children's film than chat to his kids after not seeing them much lately. I'd have been pissed off (and perhaps even passively aggressively pretended to sleep) too.

Show quote history

Completely agree with this. Especially when on holiday. Yes, watching a film for the first time, sit quietly and follow along. But when putting on a film you’ve seen so many times, surely you chat, discuss, joke along.

Maybe put some music on and play some board games tonight.

WileyCyrus · 08/07/2025 07:43

Dogaredabomb · 08/07/2025 06:43

I don't mind if someone mutters 'he's a munter' to themselves or offers me a biscuit. But if it requires a two way conversation I'll have to pause because I can't listen properly to two things at once. If it's a rewatch of a kids' film with kids 🤷🏼‍♂️

“he’s a munter” 😂😂

Swimminginthedeepbluesky · 08/07/2025 07:42

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 00:08

Alright- thank you and fair enough! Maybe we were being the irritating ones- it’s actually really useful to have other perspectives. I will say that it want constant chat, more comments when appropriate but I see how that might be annoying.

Talking through a film is annoying, doing it deliberately when your DH has asked and you know he doesn't like it is passive aggressive
behaviour designed to.provoke

Just talk to him about the issues in your marriage
You are contemptuous
Not a great sign

WileyCyrus · 08/07/2025 07:41

How on Earth do you mock the bits that are funny but aren’t meant to be, or comment on Daniel Radcliffe’s wooden acting, or marvel at the beauty of Hogsmeade at Christmas, without talking?! I’m with you OP, a new movie, I can see why someone may insist on silence (but would still drive me mad when I want to ask what else that actor has been in) but an 8-10 times rewatch, bloody suck it up mate. Saying that, I did once watch Dumb and Dumber with DP just after we got together and he said each line of the movie, which is annoying enough, but a beat BEFORE they were said in the film…it was almost game over for me. Never watched it with him again.

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 07:37

would say we are a classic family of four,

such a bizarre way to describe your family

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 07:37

Tiswa · 08/07/2025 07:36

Is the issue that a dynamic has been formed in his absence and now he is back he is wanting to have things back to before which much more involved around what he wanted

The issue is a bit of a shit marriage between two incompatible people

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 07:36

KPPlumbing · 08/07/2025 07:22

All of this talk of "upsetting the children". I had to go back and check their ages. One is 14!

A 14 year old is a child! And the 14 year old child is at an age where they have greater understanding of adult relationships than say, an 8 year old (who is more oblivious to the idea of relationships), so have more awareness of what is going on. Which makes it much worse. I found my parents arguing much more upsetting as a teenager than as a carefree oblivious child of 8 or 10.

Tiswa · 08/07/2025 07:36

Is the issue that a dynamic has been formed in his absence and now he is back he is wanting to have things back to before which much more involved around what he wanted

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 08/07/2025 07:35

Enjoy your holiday

MyTattooIsBetterThanYours · 08/07/2025 07:34

Sealhaver · 08/07/2025 01:00

Ha!! Thank you all (particularly those who understand where I’m coming from)… and just to assure those who thought film watching (in the evening, following a full day of activity?!) was an unusual holiday activity, we will be off kayaking tomorrow. Am not sure if talking is encouraged/discouraged in these situations, but at least am not in a double kayak with husband…

Give it a rest with your snarky one upmanship comments. No wonder there’s an atmosphere.

Do you actually like your husband?

londongirl12 · 08/07/2025 07:32

Go and buy a pack of cards, or UNO.

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 07:26

LillyPJ · 08/07/2025 07:13

I agree. But also, why would you watch a film you've seen 8-10 times before? Life really is too short for that.

Show quote history

Why not? Some movies are classics and are really enjoyable and are watchable dozens of times over if not 100s of times over. Some movies I've watched close to a thousand times over - and no, I am not even kidding or exaggerating.

Why not? If you get enjoyment out of it, why not? Life is too short to watch a really enjoyable movie once and then just throw it away. Movies are meant to be enjoyed over and over again. That's the point of them.

bellamorgan · 08/07/2025 07:25

This is what can often happen in families where one works away alot. Normal family life without them tends to end up being the norm and everyone and thing has to change when they are back and often it’s not liked.

Add the fact you feel his away wasn’t really
needed and boom.

Also definitely will chat during a movie we have seen before. What’s the point in sitting in silence for the 10 th viewing. This point goes with the family changes though when his away you and your children chat and laugh and joke while watching tv. Once his home is silence. Doesn’t make it enjoyable for them when he is back even though they will of missed him.

Hohofortherobbers · 08/07/2025 07:24

YABU, constant chatter would drive me insane. If you want to chat play a game instead.
YABU also by upsetting your dc.

BadActingParsley · 08/07/2025 07:23

A film you’ve seen a lot of times…you put it on so you can relax and chat a bit and not pay total attention, not full on talking all the way through, but a bit of chat. Demands of silence sounds like he’s suggested a film so he doesn’t have to engage.

you have bigger communication problems than this though, you need to talk, but not on holiday and not with the kids there.

KPPlumbing · 08/07/2025 07:22

All of this talk of "upsetting the children". I had to go back and check their ages. One is 14!

Cosyblankets · 08/07/2025 07:21

reversegear · 08/07/2025 00:13

I’m just confused by the fact you are on holiday and watching TV? Are you somewhere really boring.. why are you not our eating a meal having some drinks and chatting away there?

Maybe they've been out all day.
Maybe they've been doing activities.
Maybe they need a bit of down time

Magnoliasunrise · 08/07/2025 07:20

YABU - no talking through Harry Potter please.

Why not talk when having family meal, day out, drinks, play some games instead. No reason to talk through a film.

LottieMary · 08/07/2025 07:17

If your kids take that as a declaration of divorce then I suspect the atmosphere at home is pretty difficult at times

5128gap · 08/07/2025 07:14

Your holiday isn't going well because your H has been avoiding his family and you've noticed and are upset with him. To make things worse, he continues to shut you out by insisting on your silence in the evening. Very few men would want to watch Harry Potter in silence for the umpteenth time. It's an excuse so he doesn't need to engage. You need to have a conversation with him away from the DC and find out what's going on with him. You can't let it spill out into behaviour like that in front of the DC as its very stressful for them.

LillyPJ · 08/07/2025 07:13

Tahlbias · 08/07/2025 00:21

Why would you talk through a film?

I agree. But also, why would you watch a film you've seen 8-10 times before? Life really is too short for that.

Iwouldlikesomecake · 08/07/2025 07:05

Of course you can talk during a film… that you’ve seen before… not like a full on conversation but like ‘he’s gonna get munched’ ‘yippee-Kai-yay motherfucker’ ‘oh I’m going in the kitchen for this bit, there’s too much peril’ etc. if you haven’t seen it before and it’s something you need to concentrate on then not so much. But it sounds like he’s one of those people that has to rigidly have it his own way and everyone sit in dead silence for three hours which sounds crap.