Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

No one is blaming the sister for what happened, it goes without saying that's on the hubby. What we saying is the way it was handled and then blurting it out and then calling op stubborn. Her being a victim doesn't give her rights to gaslight op.

This is awful. I couldn’t forgive him and I’d struggle to trust the family who kept it secret too! Shocked how many are saying they have/would keep quiet. These families might be better off without scummy cheating husbands (or wives).

That. You're displacing your anger onto someone who was the victim of sexual harassment.

You can't say for certain that if she'd told you, you'd have 100% accepted her version of events and put her above your husband. She's felt the need to protect you from the knowledge, which yes, was a mistake, but she doesn't deserve you blocking her. She's had to bottle this up for a long time, which can't have been pleasant.

Exactly. They all sound a bit rotten/toxic tbh.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

What a pair disgusting family members you have on your hands. To be upset doesn't make you stubborn. It makes you upset. Do not allow them to gaslight you. And sorry i forgot to add the disgusting family applies to your hubby too.

They should not have kept this from the OP.
They obviously have form for being dismissive if they're now calling her stubborn!

She might not want to be shielded. She might not want to waste 2 years of her life on a sleazy man who's trying it on with her sister.

I've never said he's not to blame. It's absolutely 💯 his fault. He is gross. He'behaved badly and made terrible choices. They stole @Emily877 ability to chose with the omission. Its her life. Its her marriage. Its her relationship. They shouldn't have hidden it from her.

I'd cut your mum and sister sone slack. Yabu

I couldn't get over the fact that your husband carried on making comments to your sister even after she'd made it clear she wasn't interested. So he knew she wasn't going to sleep with him, but he carried on, knowing it would make her uncomfortable and distressed. A man who uses sexual comments to make a woman feel uncomfortable is the lowest of the low.

I'd feel so upset if my family kept this from me, but reading other PPs that would have done the same as your mum and sister has made me realise that they probably did think they were doing it for the best. I have to admit though, I'd hate the thought of them knowing that my husband was such a prick, and discussing it behind my back whilst I carried on in the dark.

your sister wasn’t thinking of your best interests when she lashed out at you with a secret she knew would hurt you …

This. Its bloody well not their decision to make. How will you ever trust them again?

I agree. I'd feel let down by them but they clearly discussed it and had their reasons for not telling you, and ultimately they didn't want to cause you hurt and potentially a rift between you and them. I think they certainly should have told you but equally I don't think they deserve disowning if that makes sense....your husband is a different matter.

I couldn't get passed this. I would always be wondering if he was still lusting after my sister

If he has the balls to say things like that to your sister….

imagine what he’s saying to all the women that aren’t your sister!!

I’m not sure I could forgive that, OP

No. Her family have tried to shield her from the proclivities of her sleazy husband. Doesn’t make them bad,it’s misguided but from a well intentioned place
Plus it’s a big deal to reveal to your sister that BIL (her husband) made sexual advances and sleazy remarks snout sex toy. Maybe the sister didn’t feel confident or comfortable
Apportion blame were it’s due- sleazy man

I'd be furious. He's 🤮. I could never look at him again. Them well they took away your right to choose. They keep a secret from you. They think they know what you need more than you know yourself. Why do they get to chose what's best for you?

I couldn't stay with a man who clearly has the raging hots for my sister to the extent that he can't hide it when he's had a drink.

Your poor sister, I feel for her. She's tried to protect you, which shows she cares about you, unlike your sleazy husband.

Apportion the blame were it should be, your sleazy husband
Your family misguidedly tried to shield and protect you. It came from a well meaning intention

They are just going to have to wait and give you some space whilest you take the time to process this. That's the first thing.

If It helps you feel less alone on this, my ex in-laws knew my ex was being investigated for rape at the time, paid for his defence and everyone hid it from me. I only found out when the police came to search our home and my MIL told me to “shut up for once”.

I get why they kept it from you, op, don't be too hard on them. It was a difficult situation to navigate, they made a decision. In hindsight it looks as though it wasn't the right one, especially as yur husband has continued to make sleazy remarks. I expect your sister, and your mum, hoped it would cease.

I'd be interested to know what you said to your sister about her partner that prompted her to snap and pour this out.

Where do you go from here? I know I couldn't stand living with a sleazeball.

That is the stupidest “advice” I have ever read on MN.

I have never told my sister that her dp once saw me in the street and didn’t recognise me. His friend told me that he was going to ask me out. The reason I have never told my sister is because I knew that she would go nuclear at me - as she has done with other issues.

What the fuck.

She is sexually harassed, makes a genuine effort to get advice and figure out what's best, then it comes out wrong under pressure because the gall of the injustice is too much, and then she gets the blame for the fucker's behaviour because she has not behaved in the way you find most appropriate with the benefit of hindsight?

Djeesus fuck.