Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

This is awful OP! Your mum and sister were in a horrible position here but equally by not saying anything they let you spend years of your life with this awful man! I don't get how anyone could think it would be a bad thing to ruin a relationship that one party is already out there ruining! You deserved to know.

Surely they'd want to get you away from a man who disrespects you and the family, but ultimately, even though their judgement was questionable here, they probably did worry about causing upset and he is the one in the wrong.

It wasn't a one off the way he has repeatedly said things and you have to wonder how many others are there.. friends, family, people you don't know. If you can stand to be around him I'd keep the peace for now but quietly pave the way for an exit from this one. Wouldn't trust him.

@Emily877, I am sorry about your pain which your Husband has inflicted.

It is sickening that your Sister has been the victim of his sexual advances. Yes, she and your mother were wrong to withhold the truth of his repeated abuse of her and his breach of fidelity to you, but my focus would be squarely on his heinous intimate betrayal.

He has been lusting over your Sister for years and has acted on it three times, not to mention his fantasizing about her both in and out of your presence. His betrayal is beyond the pale and would be unforgivable in my marriage. [And if he would cross that taboo boundary with your own Sister, you can assume that he has made moves on other women.]

It would be game over for me, and his manipulative, performative crocodile tears wouldn’t sway me one bit.

She says he has made other drunken comments over the years, just lewd stuff. When she has been single he has asked if she wanted a sex toy for Christmas from ‘us’, and her newest partner told her that he’d made a (again drunken) comment to him the first time they met about how he bets he’s enjoying her bum.

You're married to a disgusting sleaze.

He has repeatedly made lewd comments to and about her.

It wasn't a one off.

It's his personality.

You'll probably find friends will have similar experiences.

Your mother and sister made a huge mistake keeping it secret.

And by criticising you for how you're feeling they're being horrible. Probably guilt lashing out.

It would upset me that my mother and sister were talking behind my back - deciding between them what is right for me.

However, you say this was not a one off drunken pass from your husband but a series of incidents. Even if he says it won’t happen again it would be difficult to get past the fact that he views your sister sexually rather than as a sister - and, had she been willing, he’d have probably taken it further.

Well the problem is the family can often see more wrong with the partner than just the sleazy behaviour, but they must think that is you are with him, and you don't see it, you will know he is a sleaze and be blind to that too. Women can really fool themselves, it's not the families fault.

I expect they feared that he would turn it around to sounds as if it was sister who was at fault.
Maybe they thought that you were better off in contact with them?

Are you actually believing that this is a one off situation? For a start it demonstrates that no one is off limits and he’s been eyeing up the sister sexually for a while.

I think the family hid it because they thought the op was aware of his wandering eye and choosing not to react.

Who needs to be married to a man who can’t be trusted and hides behind the traditional excuse of being drunk to act up.

I take it you are still with your DH as you haven't said once that you've kicked him out. Which will explain precisely why your DM and DS didn't tell you at the time. It is so obvious you are going to forgive him but not them

Blame the women? Well that’s certainly a well worn trope
Time to Shuffle the blame playlist and apportion blame by behaviour and habituation ➡️That'll be the sleazy husband in case you’re struggling

Ah OP , what a horrible thing to happen to you 😔…
I just think if your sister hadn’t knocked him back , he would have gone there & most likely started an affair , do you really want this man to be your husband ? ?
However , she did & I know Kept from you, & so did your mom , they didn’t want to hurt you & didn’t know how to say it , & told themselves it was a drunken mistake to justify in their heads why they weren’t telling you .
I know you’re angry with them now , we would all be the same , but they didn’t do it out of badness .. I do think you , your sister & mom can work things out ..
Like I say , your husband would have embarked on an affair but was turned down ..
Drink is zero excuse, you can’t trust him ….x

Clearly you missed the bit where it was decided that the OP didn't need to know as it would be throwing away a relationship over something silly.

Many years ago my older sister’s (then) partner groped me at my sister’s 30th birthday party. I didn’t say anything to her because I was scared of what the fallout might be and my sister isn’t the most stable of people. I’d disliked the boyfriend from the moment I met him, but everyone else seemed to think he was great and at the time I was 20 years old and I didn’t want to be the one deemed responsible for wrecking a relationship. It’s not as easy as you might think to be the person that breaks that kind of news, especially when your brain is telling you ‘maybe he was just really drunk’, ‘maybe it was a moment of madness’ etc.

They were in a no win situation.

Had they told you and you'd stuck by him, their relationship with you would never have been the same.
They didn't tell you and the relationship may never be the same.

Your slimy DH is not only guilty of being a sex pest, he's also guilty of damaging your family relationships.

Personally, if my husband had said all that to my sister, I'd feel terrible for her, not refusing to speak to her.

It’s not one drunken mistake. It’s several comments over several years. I bet she’s not the only one he speaks like this to.

Your husband is a sleazy sex pest and has no shame. Up to you if you want to be married to someone that most of us would warn our daughters/sisters/mums/friends about

Yanbu. My husband displayed poor behaviour (not a pass at someone) but a betrayal of me and my family didn’t tell me; but discussed it between them! It came out eventually (always does) and I was so unbelievably hurt by all of them. It made it so much worse.

Have you left him? He’s clearly a sex pest. Because if not they were right not to say anything.

If you have, then yes they should have told you.

Their reasoning would piss me off. When I read the OP I thought maybe they were worried about you shooting the messenger and losing you. Which I could understand. It happens so often. But to cover for him because apparently any man, even a total creep, is better than no man at all is a ridiculous reason.

Apparently him and my sister were alone in the kitchen towards the end of the night having both had a drink, and when she was pouring another one he came up behind her and touched her waist and said he’d always imagined what it would be like to sleep with her. She said that wouldn’t be a good idea and he snapped out if it and apologised on the spot.

She says he has made other drunken comments over the years, just lewd stuff. When she has been single he has asked if she wanted a sex toy for Christmas from ‘us’, and her newest partner told her that he’d made a (again drunken) comment to him the first time they met about how he bets he’s enjoying her bum.

Your husband is a fucking pig, OP.

If he's prepared to speak to your sister like that, he's 100% speaking inappropriately to other women.

There's be no coming back from that, for me.

No, lets blame the women for what they decided to do about it! Including potentially putting the OP's sexual health at risk.

Can you not be angry about different Aspects of a situation and to different degrees with multiple people? Because I can! Its not a one at a time thing you know.

Apportion blame to the sleazy man not the multiple women in
same family that he’s manipulated,made uncomfortable and sleazed over Let’s not blame the women for the actions of the man

All three of them have acted like arseholes.

I can understand why your so mad but at the same time I can see why your Mum and sister might be put out that you are ignoring them but still have DH at home.

He's the real villain here.

Have you ever taken back a cheater/sleaze? If you have then it explains why they didn’t tell you. Telling you and you taking him back will be unnecessary drama for everyone. Much easier to avoid your h and hope that he never does it again.

Yanbu to be shocked that they didn’t tell you. Have they ever kept your other bf’s behaviour a secret?

Either way the most important thing to do is to direct your anger at the right person - your partner.

The op was 'voicing some doubts' to sister about her partner, sister retorted by saying op should look closer to home. I can understand how it came out.