Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

I think perhaps in that case she’s wanted to tell you for a long time.

Maybe cut her some slack.

I’d be hacked off with my mum, but it’s your husband who needs excoriation here.

FINALLY!!

Husband would be out the door. I couldn’t sleep with a man who was sexualising my sister not only in private - but actually propositioning her in person too.
My mum and sister/family who knew would know my trust in them had diminished a fair bit. There is no logical way to look at it other than they hid the truth from you and let you waste years with a man you would likely have left if they hadn’t hidden the truth.

The fault/responsibility bit is because she (and the mother) kept quiet thus leaving a gap of two years in which the sleazy husband could have infected the OP and, worst case if he already had, two years for an infection to grow. Its a common (and sensible) comment on here when people post about unfaithful husbands/partners to tell the OP to get tested. The OP has not had that option for 2 years. I can't understand why people need this explaining!

Do you think they were worried that you would turn around and blame your sister if they had told you? Either way, your husband sounds like a dirt bag and I think you should focus your anger onto him and not your sister who is the long suffering victim who has probably stayed quiet to save your marriage.

Exactly, no man is good as gold and ultra respectful and faithful in this relationship but decides push the boundaries sexually with his wife’s sister of all people!
I suspect this guy is very obviously sleazy to everyone around him and OP probably knows it too.

I agree. Hitting on a sister is code red risky strategy, and is for very devious men who have done their research, and are confident enough to think they will get away with it.

They are a separate category of cheater. Devious and corrupt. They destroy families.

But none of that is the fault or responsibility of her sister. Only the DH.

Yes, said similar up thread.
Not only is he a slime ball and most likely cheater, but by choosing OPs Dsis he is getting the thrill of seeing how far he can go close to home.
Being angry with DM and Dsis is counterproductive. They were just trying their best to manage a bad situation.

but how will you know whether she (or the mother) is keeping secrets or not? Trust lost is massively hard to repair.

its why i said "potentially messing" My opinion is that once you know that a partner is not faithful, you have no idea what else they may be up to with whom.

I have a strong feeling that Op is going to find out worse things about her DH and this is just the start of a long unravelling. The sister/mother (as flawed as their reasoning may have been) have more of the OP's interest at heart and OP should forgive them. The despicable husband is the one who is at fault and caused the most harm.

I would consider forgiving your sister on the provision that she never keeps anything from you ever again. I can understand how devastating it must be that she kept this from you but it sounds like she really loves you and was upset.

Your husband on the other hand. He is a devious liar.

Some men purposely hit on the sister because they know they won’t tell. It’s a thing.

It’s the lowest of the low, not just a cheater, but a devious and sly cheater who thought it through.
They really disgust me.
To use a sisters love in this corrupt way is pure evil.

It's all on your H. He chose to put your sister in an impossible situation and she is a victim of his advances. Freezing and fawning are natural damage limitation strategies that women instinctively use to protect themselves. Your sister has had to deal with what he did himself, plus fear of your reactions.

It sounds like the women in your family have a culture of unhealthily low expectations of male behaviour. That can be challenging to recognise and undo.

It's understandable to be disappointed that you weren't told sooner, but please direct all the negative emotions stirred onto the person that created the situation in the first place, not a victim stuck in the middle.

How is it messing with the OP’s sexual health? The sister never slept with the DH and if he’s also been physically cheating on the OP that’s only his responsibility not the SIL!

because she CHOSE to keep it quiet

no I don't get that. She might have (wrongly) decided that once was a moment of drunken idiocy but when it happened a second time SURELY she would think the OP had a right to know.....and at what point does a grown woman take her own decisions and stop doing what her Mum says?? As I keep saying, this is potentially messing with the OP's sexual health!

can both not be wrong fror different reasons and to different degrees?

I can fully understand your sister not telling you about the pass two years ago - "he snapped out if it and apologised on the spot" and on that basis she considered it a drunken mistake on his part and she drew a line under it.
Unfortunately your husband is such a sleaze that he took her silence as a green light to keep going. She was then painted into a corner by having kept his first sleazefest from you - how could she now raise it with you without telling you about his first pass, if she did you'd be hurt she'd kept it from you and if she didn't you might downplay it as a one-off?

That.

It's ridiculous that some posters are calling your sister's decision a 'betrayal'. A betrayal would have been her getting off with him. Not finding herself in a situation where they're was no 'safe' decision regarding whether to tell you and being torn both ways

I feel so sorry for her. She had to endure his attentions, had had to keep this to herself for two years, and when she finally blurts it out, her fears are realised. Her sister won't speak to her.

Try to remember your sister is the initial victim in this situation. None of this is her fault, she is not responsible for your husband's sleazy behavior, he alone is. I would be so protective of my sister's feelings and devastated for her having to have put up with such disgusting behaviour. Then your mum stopping her from telling you. Poor woman had her power taken away twice. Your mum probably did think she was doing the right thing in an awkward situation though. Only you can make the choice between your husband and family, but I know which one I would choose.

Your husband put your sister and mother in the most awkward of positions.

I can fully understand your sister not telling you about the pass two years ago - "he snapped out if it and apologised on the spot" and on that basis she considered it a drunken mistake on his part and she drew a line under it.

Unfortunately your husband is such a sleaze that he took her silence as a green light to keep going. She was then painted into a corner by having kept his first sleazefest from you - how could she now raise it with you without telling you about his first pass, if she did you'd be hurt she'd kept it from you and if she didn't you might downplay it as a one-off?

Yes it hurts that they knew and you didn't. But it all comes back to your husband not caring about your marriage while your sister and mother caring for you.

Please consider it from their point of view. Their actions were through love of you. (His actions were through love of himself.) It's tough. But it's manipulation on your husband's part, not betrayal on theirs.
((hug))

He's a confident arrogant one to think the sister wouldn't tell you too. Maybe he was sure she wouldn't be able to resist his charms so it must have come as a shock when he turned him down. What a melt.

of course the primary person to blame is the husband but I stand by my opinion that the sister and mother were playing fast and loose with the OP's sexual health by not telling her.

Husband needs to go and I can’t believe your family didn’t tell you!
massive betrayal from them all. I’d make up with family eventually (depending on their reasons). Husband has to go for good. What a disgusting man.