Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

Also the incident with the sister was not sexual assault ...? The details were never communicated to me but he went into the room and tried to hug her, slip one of his damn notes under the pillow, who knows. I didnt class him as dangerous, more a pest. I have intervened very strongly in cases where I have felt men were predatory, not only to me but to other women.

I take your point but this creep was going after adult women, and was horribly flirty rather than handsy. I found notes under my pillow and the thought never crossed my mind that he could force himself on someone. Until I heard about the sister's experience that is. Also I moved out of the country shortly after and while they were having counselling, kept my distance and didnt have the right opportunity to broach the topic. I have learned a lesson from that incident though.

So, she only told you out of retaliation and spite?

She doesn’t cone out of this looking too good.

Nope nope nope. Your sister is a victim of your sleazebag husbands behaviour. He is disgusting. You are directing your anger the round direction. Mind you, if he keep the husband, which it sounds like you are, then you will be doing your sister a favour by distancing as you then won't be inflicting the sleazebag on her.

He is vile op, whether you choose to see it or not.

Sorry but I’m calling out this total bullshit. It is the fault of no woman if a man is sexually inappropriate to her and he then goes on to sexually abuse someone else. It is the only the man’s fault.

This

Sister is married. The secret came out when the OP expressed concerns about sister's partner and was told "look closer to home" those who are saying that the mother and sister have done nothing wrong, let me give you this scenario.....OP goes to ger mother and sister and says "I have no idea what to do, husband has given me an STD. How did I not know what a sleazeball he was" Mother and suster look at each other and go "Ah yes well......."

Your DH is a snake. Take it DS is not married. If DS&DM told you what he’d done he’d have denied it and probably have suggested your DS was jealous. That would have ruined your relationship with DS. Your DM will know as DS will have sought her advice on what to do. You’re shooting the messengers- take aim at your not so “D”H

So no one tries to stop the man and he goes in to sexually assault someone..? This is not a good blueprint for how to handle the situation.

Im sorry to be blunt but I would rather lose a friend or family member who couldn’t handle the truth about their partner being a fucking creep than stay silent and allow that man to continue creeping on other family who are too afraid to speak up, are outright assaulted or - god forbid - too young to know what to do.

I don't think there is many women who haven't been the victim of this sort of man, especially when young. Of course their wives know, but choose to ignore it or make feeble excuses. Some men even get confident enough to flirt in front of their wives.

Your poor sister. Honestly you’re not the biggest victim in all this mess. Focus on what you want to do about your DH…

Remember a lot of married men when I was a teenager like this. The wives used to know. They used to brush off their behaviour with comments like, "if you took him up on his offer he would run a mile:, yeah right. And excused touching as "being handsy". Thank goodness things are changing.

I wouldn't be offering to forgive my sister, there would be nothing to forgive her for as far as I was concerned. I would be apologizing to her for my husband's behaviour though, and making sure she was ok. I have 2 younger sisters and always would protect them against a predatory, no matter what.

She would have wanted to tell her sister, that's why it bubbled up so quickly in an argument. Unfortunately it's not so easy in real life, especially if mum was advising against it. It's not unusual for women to stay silent due to fear of it being turned back on them. OP seems angrier at her than her husband after all.

I imagine OP would have found a way to blame her sister regardless of timing. It’s telling she has cut off her sister but NOT her husband.

no not responsible for but to know and not say ANYTHING?

This happened to me with my sisters ex. I told my mum who told me not to tell my sister as she will find out herself what he's like. Well she did find out what he's like which is why he's an ex. But she still to this day doesn't know about what he tried to do with me, and that was 30yrs ago. I didn't tell her as I didn't want her to think it may some how be my fault., which it wasnt of course!
S9 I voted YABU as I really think you yould cut your mum and sister some slack. They obviously don't want there to be any bad blood between you.

I assume that their wives already know exactly what they are like - and that me 'telling' on them is likely to just get ME in trouble. I don't want to cause family upheaval!!

It is really difficult to tell on men like this; and I am very straightforward person. I was appalled when it happened to me and I did tell a mutual friend who laughed it off and then I shut up, waiting for my friend to find out for herself with some other person rather than me. I don't think our friendship could have survived if I had told her. The circumstances in which she found out : her husband tried to make a move on her sleeping sister in the guest room and the sister started screaming. No more room for denial.

I've found this thread really interesting because I've had several propositions from drunk relatives - and never said anything.

I assume that their wives already know exactly what they are like - and that me 'telling' on them is likely to just get ME in trouble. I don't want to cause family upheaval!!

I disagree. Sister is not responsible for what goes on in or outside of sister's marriage. Him cheating with other women may not of even occurred to them. Sister was the unwilling target of a vile predatory. Why didn't your husband go home with you when you were ill? I would bet because he saw it as a perfect opportunity to harass your sister.

Please OP, think of your future. Do you have children? How are you going to keep any young friends that come to your house safe as they grow up.

Try and make up with your family even if you need to ask for space initially. Maybe even get some family therapy if you need to and they are open to it.

I am not saying fall out with them, what i am saying is that they have to understand that the trust is gone. i was in a similar situation, not about unfaithfulness but about something else that my family kept from me that took away a choice from me. I have never forgotten how it felt and I don't think I ever completely trusted my late mother again even though we remained close.

I think your mom and sister were in a hard place. There was a good chance you would not believe them or that he would claim it was a joke.

You need to direct your anger to your dh. Do not fall out with your family. You may need there support.

its a possibility that couldn't be ruled out and by keeping quiet she (and the mother) took a choice away from the OP

No, it’s not remotely the sister’s responsibility to assume that from a sleazy comment directly to her that therefore her sister’s DH is having an affair.

I predict the OP would have blames her sister whether it was now, 2 years ago or 2 years in the future, as proven by the fact that she’s cut off her sister but not her DH!

Unfortunately your mum probably comes from the generation where sa victims were made to feel shame, and things were kept in the Family. By doing this she not only let you down, but failed to protect your sister from your husband, whose predatory behaviour was escalating. Good on your sister for finally speaking up for herself even if she did need anger to fuel her courage. Forget how it happened, it was going to hurt no matter what. Most sisterly relationships have their moments, but if you were close before don't throw away your relationship on a sleezey man. Support each other and don't let him win.