Could you be with someone with alcohol problems?

It depends on whether they acknowledge they have a problem and want to do something about it.

Alcoholics scan go for decades without admitting it’s an issue. I absolutely would not stay with one that was in denial and just sitting drinking themself into a stupor.

Two years ago, a relative was hospitalised because of alcohol. He had ascites, fluid all over his body. He couldn’t wear his jeans because of the swelling. They removed two lots of fluid from him, 7 litres and 12 litres. He was diagnosed with cirrhosis, and there was talk of going onto the transplant list. He stopped drinking straight away, and now his liver seems to be a lot better. I would argue that it was willpower that made him stop drinking, not easy after 40 years, but he managed it.

I grew up in a house with an abusive alcoholic. I won’t subject myself to that. I absolutely won’t allow my child to live with that.

A person who needs to get sober and face their demons can do it separately and then come back to the relationship if they are successful. The alcoholic doesn’t get to ruin everyone else’s life in the meantime.

@WaryHiker I have been addicted to nicotine. That wasn't a trauma response, that was something that I first tried because I thought "why not?" and continued with because it became a habit.

While I'm sure that for some people substance abuse is a trauma response, for others it's a just a response to the addictive qualities of those substances.

A big fat no..

It's nowhere near as simple as that. Don't call it a disease if you don't want to, but addiction is often better understood as a trauma response. Yes, it carves neural pathways which are often almost impossible to undo, but phrasing it as a choice isn't always helpful.

For instance, before schizophrenia symptoms show in people in their twenties, they often turn to drugs to mask the pain of what is happening to their brain. They are using because the damage and pain that their substance of choice produces is smaller and more easily managed than the damage and pain inside their own heads.

I could give you plenty of other examples of the intertwining of mental illness and substance abuse. Until governments get really serious about funding proper mental health care and recognising that it's not a separate issue from addiction, nothing will change.

That doesn't mean people should stay with addicts. Usually the best thing is not to do so and to avoid enabling and codependency. But it's equally unhelpful to frame it as some random choice. As with all areas of our lives, whether we choose to accept it or not, choices are not made in a vacuum.

This ! It is not a disease, it is an addiction which destroys lives. !

No, even without the angry outbursts.

No Way ! And I’ve been there, married to an alcoholic. I left him in the end but we were both young, no children. Sadly he is now dead, killed him at 50. Shame because he was such a kind man , not a bad bone in his body . He could have been such a good husband and Dad if he ever had children. What a waste! I hate alcohol and I don’t drink it anymore.

Fuck that. That's the exact bullshit that keeps people stuck with addicts. It's not a disease, that whole theory has no scientific basis whatsoever and was promoted heavily by an alcoholic conman as a way of getting rich and keeping his wife trapped with him.

Alcohol abuse caused a negative feedback loop in the neural pathways that is very difficult to overcome but it's akin to a self caused injury, which an addict can choose to work through. Just like someone with a non permanent spinal injury can either do the damned hard and painful work of getting on back on their feet, or stay immobile. It's not easy but it is a choice. And anyone in a relationship with an addict who won't do the work to overcome it, will have their life destroyed. It's not a disease, they owe them nothing. They will lose all chance of a reasonably happy life if they stay.

The difference being depression and mental illness are just that illness. They didn't give themselves depression whereas alcoholics choose to drink

I'd end it it seems they like alcohol more than you don't settle and find someone who loves you not booze

No, my uncle is a bit like the man you described. Not so much with hiding drink. I see the stress it is causing my aunt when he goes out or is at a family function. He rarely get aggressive but is a messy drunk.

Never again, no. I've never known such anxiety, misery and trauma. It ruined me.

Hey, late to the party but I just wanted to put it out there that there is a charity called Nacoa (The National Association for Children of Alcoholics) who provide information, advice and support not just to children but anyone affected by a loved one's drinking. They have a free, confidential helpline, email support and online resources for children, young people, and adults:
Website: www.nacoa.org.uk; Helpline: 0800 358 3456; Email: [email protected]
If you want to talk, or need any support navigating life with someone who drinks is ok to reach out :-)

Of course it’s the alcoholic’s fault that they are alcoholic. Who put a gun against their head to start drinking in the first place? Nobody! They kept going with it until they carved a deep neural pathway to alcoholism and then they are playing the victim and cry they can’t stop. I cringe when people say they can’t help of doing something destructive. Yes they can! Own your shit. Just be a grown-up and start having the responsibility. Exercise the control that you have in abundance. It’s me who is supposed to be in control, not alcohol, or fags or drugs or chocolate etc..it’s just a substance and you let it control you?

Totally agree. I'm 8 years clean but it is still very very hard. It's still my first thought when I'm down, when I'm happy, when it's a Wednesday! That neural pathway is strong still!

This kind of attitude is no different to the old 1950s attitude to depression/anxiety/ocd etc. "They're not diseases, just pull your socks up". Or the classic for obesity " not a disease, just eat less".
I can tell you from my own experience of alcoholism the urge to drink is very, very strong, surpassing even fully natural bodily demands like hunger, thirst and fatigue. I'm sure you've been 'hangry' before, where you're so ravenous you are emotional and must eat something substantial. That's how it is for us alcoholics with alcohol. All the time. 24-7.

Nope. But it’s very easy to say until you love someone, especially if it’s gradual. It also depends on the level of alcoholism,
the level of negative impact on everyone else and how it changes their behaviour. Some people it turns violent and borderline psychotic, others happy and relaxed. If I had children then absolutely not.

Yes, I understand AA's ongoing attempts to hide its roots in a small Christian sect.

But for those AA members who see their "power greater than themselves" as the group, or a doorknob or similar, when that AA member is sitting at home trying to stop him/herself from going to buy a bottle of vodka then the group/doorknob/etc isn't there. It's just that person and their will fighting the addiction. That's all there is.

Yes, I agree that will power plays a part in the recovery process as does Step 2 Restoring Sanity - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity and Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him/her. Many don’t believe in God as in the God of the Church, but whatever they feel is their higher power, that can often be the power of the group. These two steps can have a huge positive impact on recovery.

Absolutely not.

I’ve seen friends stay with their alcoholic partners and everyone is miserable.

I have read AA and Al-Anon literature.

If an AA member chooses not to drink today, what are they using if not willpower?