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Original poster

To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

579 replies

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:15

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

OP posts:
TreeDudette · 12/06/2025 13:56

You haven't said where the DS19 is staying? Sounds like there is no room for him. You have 3 kids who are in the 3 rooms. Perhaps your DP can support him to find a room in a houseshare? Otherwise DP needs to move out with his DS19 and share with him. Not sure I see another solution. DS19 can't live on your sofa for long!

Diarygirlqueen · 12/06/2025 13:56

But what is your solution? Where do you think his child can stay? I understand you want to protect your child, but he's just doing the same. Work together on this, blended families are hard and compromise has to be given. Understand he has the same feelings for his son as you do for yours.

MounjaroMounjaro · 12/06/2025 13:55

When I asked the question about your housing situation I was thinking "I bet my own house that the OP owns the house and this man has moved in." And lo and behold: House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago. There I was, thinking I was being too cynical, but yet again we have a story of a cocklodging man and his deadbeat child.

Tell them to get out, OP, both of them. Your partner shows your son no consideration at all. Your son is in the way, in his opinion. Now you are really seeing what he thinks. Protect your son and get rid. I bet if you spoke to your son and asked him whether he'd be happier with or without this man, he'd say he'd be much happier without him.

FortyElephants · 12/06/2025 13:55

Busyquaver1 · 12/06/2025 13:52

2 older ones share and if they don't like it one of them is more than likely to find there own place.

You think she should impose an aggressive, weed smoking, sexually assaulting room mate on her son in her own house that she pays for and if her son doesn't like it he can move out? What the hell kind of parenting decision would that be?!

Travellingraspberry · 12/06/2025 13:54

I'd be suggesting DP move out and find somewhere with his son if that's his attitude!

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 12/06/2025 13:54

Even if you had no kids and three spare bedrooms, given this kid’s behaviour, I wouldn’t have him in my house full stop.

DottieMoon · 12/06/2025 13:54

It's your house which you pay for alone, tell your DP to sod off. Threatening to throw your son out of YOUR house so his son can have his own room. Why would you even tolerate this nonsense!

BodenCardiganNot · 12/06/2025 13:53

@Busyquaver1
Have you read what the op has said about the 19 year old?
It's also the op's house - why should her child suffer? Mind you he's probably suffered enough having his mother's partner move in 3 years ago...

TabbyCatInAPoolofSunshine · 12/06/2025 13:53

Busyquaver1 · 12/06/2025 13:52

2 older ones share and if they don't like it one of them is more than likely to find there own place.

have you read the weed and sexual assault update?

FortyElephants · 12/06/2025 13:53

So you had two kids with him and lived separately for many years in your own house until only 3 years ago - maybe your 'DP' needs to get his own place with his son. Why didn't you move in together until 3 years ago? That's very unusual

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 12/06/2025 13:52

Where is he at the moment? What is your solution to the problem. You say that ‘we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other’, but that’s not the case is it, there is nowhere for him. It doesn’t sound easy for anyone.

Absolutely understand that your partner wants to protect his son, and perhaps he believes that if his son were to live elsewhere things might get worse, but ultimately this is a 19 year old man, who smokes dope and plays computer games all day long except when out committing crimes. I’m sure that there are reasons for his behaviour (might the fact that you and DP have children aged 8 and 10 but your partner only moved in 3 years ago be one of those reasons, where you and his children secret?) and that he needs help, but that shouldn’t be at the cost of someone else, and really at 19 he needs to start taking responsibility and growing up. He certainly shouldn’t share with your son who is taking exams.

Is this going to be a temporary fix or a permanent thing? Is there a dining room/study that can be repurposed? Can you extend? Can your DP help set his son up somewhere?

Delphiniumandlupins · 12/06/2025 13:52

I think your DP is worried about his older DS but he's making no sense. Definitely do not disrupt your DS in the middle of his exams. Either you repurpose another room downstairs for his son or DP should move out with him. Short term, also, you could sleep beside your DD and partner with the 10 year old or DSS.

Original poster
Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:52

BodenCardiganNot · 12/06/2025 13:41

Why were you living apart from your dp when you had 2 children with him?

Basically I had DS2 quite early into the relationship with DP — bit of a whirlwind start if I’m honest. Then had DD about 2 years later. We were on/off quite a bit during those years. Lot of ups and downs, mostly around his ex and his son, and him not always stepping up. So I stayed in my own place and just cracked on with the kids, he’d stay over but wasn’t living here full time.

Things settled down eventually, he got more consistent and we had a good couple years where things were actually stable, so he moved in properly about 3 years ago. Thought we were in a solid place but now with all this DSS stuff it’s just chaos again.

OP posts:
Busyquaver1 · 12/06/2025 13:52

2 older ones share and if they don't like it one of them is more than likely to find there own place.

Nousernamesleftatall · 12/06/2025 13:52

So your DP lived elsewhere until your joint children were 5 and 7? Where did he live and why? That’s is very odd.

MyNeedyLilacBird · 12/06/2025 13:52

Im sorry but this DSS would not be coming to live in the house if it were me after what you put in your last post. You've got 2 younger children to think of.

His son is an adult and needs to sort himself out. I wouldn't be having a layabout who was accused of sexual assault in my home. Partner would be moving out of he insisted

TabbyCatInAPoolofSunshine · 12/06/2025 13:51

Newstartplease24 · 12/06/2025 13:46

Suggest that you and your daughter share and your P and his son share. In the smallest room in the house. See how he feels about that.

that is actually an option if he has to stay in the house...

justasking111 · 12/06/2025 13:51

His father can pay to house his son elsewhere. The mother has endured a lot from her son. It's time for dad to step up.

Growlybear83 · 12/06/2025 13:50

Where is your stepson sleeping at the moment? I really wouldn’t be prepared to have him living with me. I’d maybe put up with a couple of weeks while he finds himself a flat share but I don’t think you can’t disrupt your household to accommodate him if he’s as bad as you’ve said.

TabbyCatInAPoolofSunshine · 12/06/2025 13:50

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:37

To answer a few qs — yes the 2 younger ones are mine and DP’s joint kids. DS18 is from my previous relationship. House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago. So no, he doesn’t get to just start chucking my son around the house like furniture.

Re DSS… it was a long list that led to him being kicked out of his mum’s. There’s been constant drama. He’s been nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing, nothing came of it legally but it blew things up and she said she didn’t feel safe. DSS denies it all but his mum said she couldn’t have him in the house after that and booted him.

He’s not in any kind of education or work atm. Spends most of the day sleeping or gaming. DP keeps saying “he’s just been through a lot, he needs time” but I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean my son should get shafted. DS18 is a quiet lad, keeps to himself, he’s revising most of the time and barely makes a peep. He’s already been walking on eggshells since DSS arrived because the tension is high.

Oh. Cross posted with this. "D" P and his eldest need to move out and get a place together. This young man may need his father's support, but not at the expense of your other children, two of whom are too young to be exposed to this and the other one of whom is in the middle of (presumably important, A level) exams, for which his grades make a huge difference to his options.

I'm also assuming there's a good reason you didn't live with your younger two children's father when they were smaller?

Wolfpa · 12/06/2025 13:50

Where does your DSS sleep now? I would make most sense for the two older boys to share a room as they are legally adults.

MonkeyToez · 12/06/2025 13:47

I would not be allowing somebody accused of sexual assault to live in my home with two younger children that are both vulnerable and impressionable, never mind all the rest of it.

MJQs · 12/06/2025 13:46

So YOUR son is an adult at 18, but HIS son needs everyone kow-towing to him at 19?

that makes sense. Said no-one, ever

Your partner sounds pretty thick tbh

Newstartplease24 · 12/06/2025 13:46

Suggest that you and your daughter share and your P and his son share. In the smallest room in the house. See how he feels about that.

stealthninjamum · 12/06/2025 13:46

It sounds like dss needs a lot of support to
stop that behaviour. I’d be inclined to suggest your ‘d’p rents a two bedroom place for him and dss.