I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

Why are you not responding to people (including myself) who are asking if you have tried to find specialist instructors? I even gave you the name of one and didn’t even get any acknowledgement from you.

Can I ask whether you ride a bike?

If you don’t I would get a cheap push bike, go to a quiet estate, and practice the things which you find difficult in the car.

So, for example, if you’re finding roundabouts tricky then go and do 100 roundabouts on your bike until you are 100 percent confident about road positioning etc.

Oh dear, this was me! Multiple attempts. Did not pass until I was 40. "Gave up" on learning multiple times, seemingly no spacial awareness and so on.

I do genuinely believe you can acheive anything through hard work and perseverance. Thinking or saying anything negative about yourself or your abilities will definitely not help you!

Clincher for me came when I entered a profession where I had to drive. Its good that you have your kids needs to motivate you.

You are engaging only with posts that you can refute.

You won't try anything helpful so there's no point in people suggesting anything more.

You have decided its impossible.
It will be until you change your defeatist attitude.

I think you said you were moving to be closer to family? How does that fit in with your children’s education? Especially if they are in separate schools.

Obviously I know MN can't wave a magic wand and make it happen. I suppose what I was hoping is that maybe other posters who tried with difficulty for several years and then finally mastered it could tell me what it was that suddenly clicked in their brain so they were able to get it. What was the secret?

You have had lots of suggestions here, including from me, and keep dismissing them. That is the attitude which is the problem.

Your attitude is horrific, it's so defeatist. The fact that you're talking about giving your kids away if you can't pass a driving test is absolutely wild.
Driving, however handy, is not the be all and end all of life. Plenty of people can't, for many different reasons, and still manage to get themselves and their children are where they need to be.
Two of my best friends are in their 40s and can't drive, both have tried for long periods of time through the years, and it just hasn't clicked for them.
Another of my friends husband had a seizure at the wheel and now also can't drive, had to change jobs etc due to it, but they adapted and overcame.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, you'll never get through it if you keep being so negative. It definitely doesn't seem like your instructor is right for you. "All his students pass first time" isn't necessarily representative of the way you need to be taught. People learn differently, perhaps you need a different style of instruction.
Can you look for instructors that maybe specialise in low confidence drivers? Have an open conversation with them right off the bat with what you struggle with, and see if they can offer any solutions.
As previously said, you're very very hard on yourself, which isn't going to help you go in to it with an open and calm mindset

You live in London, so public transport taxis and Ubers presumably? Clearly money isn't an issue if you're spending money on 4 lessons a week ,must be £120 minimum, use that money on Ubers.

You can't possibly pass with your current attitude. You are negative, defeatist and appear to be completed stuck in the mission impossible mindset. (Have you spoken to GP about possibly depression?)

Have you sought recommendation for the best instructors in your area, especially those recommended by others who found it difficult?

Have you discussed it with your family? Have you asked for support or free time to get more practice in?

Your current approach isn't working and know you seem hell bend on deciding nothing will rather than focusing on what you can do differently.

Have you researched drivers who specialise in teaching people who find it particularly hard to learn? They exist so if you’re in London you should be able to find one. I’ve Googled, there are several who specialise in over anxious learners.

They might have a point though. I stopped driving as I felt I was a danger on the roads due to my inability to process what was going on around me. How I ever passed my test (6th or 7th go) I’ll never know.

OP an alternative perspective here. Think of solving the problem of transporting your children rather than thinking you driving is the only solution. Do your children have EHCPs and are you claiming/ applying for DLA for them? If they have EHCPs they will be eligible for school transport to their named school provided by the LA even if it is not a SEN specialist school. It may have annoying conditions attached e.g. someone needs to be at home as they leave and return abd having to have them ready quite earky with a long time window for drop off. My son was eligible for school transport to go to mainstream (not our closest) by this route. Even if you could drive you cannot be in both schools at once so at least one child is going to have to go on school transport/ a taxi. Have you looked at your "local offer" and made contact with the SEN transport? The DLA would provide money that can be used to cover the cost of taxi travel. Although the form is long and daunting you would get through it if you could dedicate 4 hours per week to it which you are currently spending on driving lessons. You can probably get more detailed advice on applying for EHCNA and DLA on the SEN chat.

Ah, living in London changes things. It’s a very difficult driving environment. Have you tried to learn anywhere else or have all your lessons been in London?

Honestly, it’s a bit frustrating listening to you say that you “must” learn this skill but also that you “can’t”. Something has to give. If you can’t learn then stay in London and give up on the idea of moving close to friends in a bad area for public transport.

to be honest, like many others here, I was just trying to be nice and say things to improve mindset.

if you’re not open to that literally the only other thing you can do is to keep having lessons. You should improve over time. Good luck.

Have you watched Scarlett’s Driving School on BBC iplayer? It’s about Scarlett Moffatt who took 13 year and 14 tests before she passed. Other people who have been learning a long time come to the school and 2 professional instructors watch them with a family member or friend and give lots of tips for driving and instructing. They often do pass after this help.

I think you need to enlist a friend to let you practice in their car (you pay for increase in insurance) between your lessons. My daughter is learning and her instructor said she should drive as much as possible with me or DH sitting in passenger seat. Practising is vital I think. Good luck with improving at driving. 🍀

It took me almost four years of weekly 2hr lessons to learn.

My first lesson covered pulling out from being parked on the left of an almost empty, wide street, and pulling in to the left again. I was really anxious and screamed (quietly!) a lot.

Progress was slow, obviously.

It took me 4 attempts to pass my test, over six months.

Once I'd passed my test (aged 38) I took myself off for short, familiar drives, with lots of pulling over and parking (used the easy streets I'd first learnt on). Talking myself through everything out loud. Had to really push myself to gradually go longer distances, and would be drenched in anxiety sweat every time.

About six months after having my own car I realised I was basically driving as normal without it being so terrifying. (Also realised that once I got over the fear of speed, motorway driving was easier/simpler than around town.) After a year I realised I was doing everything automatically and somewhere along the line it had just clicked. I kept my P plates on until this time.

Just explaining the timescale it took me.

You are doing so brilliantly with so much in your life, it's so sad that you can't see that. Not only a single mum, but both kids with additional needs, and yourself likely with undiagnosed additional challenges! You're managing so much so well every day. If you are neurodiverse yourself, you have likely spent a lifetime having people make out you're not doing well enough at one thing or another - this may explain the heartbreaking lack of confidence and the way you are beating yourself up for finding an incredibly difficult situation ... incredibly difficult.

I think going to local councillor, and failing that, MP, to sort SN transport is the best option. Many parents can't drive for various reasons so there has to be an option, and if there isn't they need to make one.

This will take the pressure off, and you can keep learning to drive in a more relaxed way, and get there in your own time.

I cannot stress how much I thought I wouldn't be able to learn, and how weird it was when I realised I was doing it!

This. And OP I’m not convinced you have the right instructor for you. This is so important. Would it be possible to find one who specialises in anxious/low confidence drivers? Maybe ask for recommendations on your local Facebook page?

You're measuring success in life by whether you learn to drive.

It's a useful skill and that's why it's become such a big thing.

But I promise you, when you are old and grey and on your death bed, no one will say 'ChangedName was such a brilliant driver, wasn't she?' or 'If only she'd learned to drive'.

It feels massive because of the impact on your life right now. But it is not you!

Based on your responses here, you tend to jump to the most dramatic worst-case scenarios. You absolutely need an attitude change. No, you’ll never drive if you stay thinking like this. Yes, you absolutely can do it if you decide you are a “driver”