I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

Ok at least you tried. Just because you don’t drive doesn’t mean your children will be better off with someone else. I’m a single mother and don’t drive for the exact same reasons you struggle. I can empathise totally because it makes you feel like something is wrong with you when everyone else seems to manage and there are seventeen year olds driving. I do get it. I did eventually pass, without extra practice outside of lessons. I didn’t carry on driving as I didn’t really need to and we live somewhere it’s possible to not drive. But the point is, I was the world's worst, most anxious driver, constantly talking and wittering on in my lessons because I was so nervous but I did pass eventually. I took my first driving lessons at 21 but kept giving up and starting again, never getting the hang of it. I finally passed at 38. I really do feel for you but you sound like a great mum not a failed mum.

Also an intensive course could be very helpful. Can you book some time off work and arrange a course while your children are at school? Then you wouldn’t need childcare.

How many tests have you taken so far? What has the feedback been?

How old are your children? I think you said they are 7 years apart? Is the elder child at secondary school yet?

There really isn’t a simple solution that every driver knows which will suddenly make everything click for you. It seems as though you want someone to say, “Just do XYZ and you will magically pass your test.” It doesn’t work that way. Like most skills, driving involves repetition and learning particular patterns, as well as being prepared for the unexpected.

If spatial awareness is your main stumbling block, look up videos that address this issue. It may seem silly, but you can also use the same ideas whenever you are walking, to get used to the idea of adjusting to obstacles and other objects around you. It’s something we all do naturally when on foot, so if you become conscious of how it feels and how you make adjustments while walking, it could be transferable to driving.

https://www.youngdriver.eu/venues/northern/elvington. She used this one. But I think there are lots around the country if you google under 17 driving schools.

OP, I completely sympathise. I am 38 and I have tried so hard. I've also been having lessons on and off for 20 years. I have had a total of FIVE different instructors, I've owned three cars, and I am on the insurance for our family car which my husband drives and has often taken me out in, for practice.
I just CAN'T do it. I've even had instructors tell me I'll probably never do it.
I know I'm not thick, I'm educated, I mange other people, I've raised a family. I'm a competent adult in all other areas of my life but I just cannot for the life of me learn to drive, my brain just does not work that way.
My best friend has a PHD and cannot drive either.
So please, please don't think it's because you're thick, you're not. I know plenty of thick people who can drive 😆we just all work differently, that's all.

I know it's embarrassing, I try and hide it from everyone for as long as I can because I know what they are thinking. That I am stupid, or immature or poor. I am none of these things.
I could judge them if I wanted to because none of them would be able to be self sufficient for more than five minutes without their cars, but I have learned how to get myself about without relying on a vehicle.

My mum really struggled to learn to drive.

Whst helped in the end was going to an under 17 driving school that’s on an old airfield.

So basically not learning on real roads which took the pressure off.

Her instructor also just focused on nailing one thing at a time. For example 3 point turns or parallel parking again and again and again until she cracked it before moving on to the next skill.

Once she had all the basics down she went back on public roads and was able to concentrate on other traffic rather than the individual skills iyswim such as being nervous at how to deal with a roundabout.

She’s a really good driver now and even happy on the motorway which is something she thought she’d never do.

Might be worth seeing if you have any local driving schools that use private roads/land?

Well it does. I do mine in the evening after they are in bed. You need to start seeing solutions rather than dead ends. Could you be depressed or anxious? I found antidepressants life savers to help a negative mindset

I haven't read all the thread however I had 6 tests over 5 years before I passed. What helped me was doing a week long intensive driving course. The exposure every day for a week was enough! I think I am probably dispraxic and still struggle with left/ right hand and spatial awareness but have been driving now for nearly 20 years. I would really recommend the investment in a week long intensive course. Good luck, I think if I can do it so can you!

Are you comfortable giving an approximate location? Maybe someone here could help? Otherwise, I really don’t know what anyone can suggest. Every possible option has been suggested and you’re not very open to help at the moment. You need some time to think things through and make a plan it seems.

If it's any consolation, I'm in the same boat (42, 3 kids, still learning, spatial awareness etc. terrible). I am really wondering if I am simply incapable of it and there is just something missing in my brain, despite the fact that I'm successful in most other areas of my life.

Sorry, but you’re doing it again!

Have a break from driving lessons for 6 weeks. Spend that money on therapy/hypno.

YOU need to take action and there’s not always a no at the end of any suggestion.

There must be others that are maybe not on that website? Do you live in the middle of nowhere or something?

I don’t mean to be harsh OP because i understand why you’re like this, but you’ve got a very negative attitude which won’t be helping with your driving. It seems as if you’ve mentally just given up, you don’t believe you will do it so you won’t be learning anything on your lessons, and every suggestion people are offering, you are pushing back. It’s like you are just stuck.

I know you’ve said you need to do it soon, but you won’t get anywhere with this hopeless attitude apart from waste more money to get frustrated and even more down trodden when things go wrong, so I’d suggest you take a break from lessons and in the meantime

• Keep watching driving videos over and over again till the concepts sink in (it’s actually a great way to learn as it takes the stress of actually being on the road out of the way). This helps if you also watch videos from the drivers perspective so you can get used to it (kind of like exposure therapy!)

• Look for specialist/disability instructors who have knowledge of anxious and/ or ND people and, if you struggle with aspects of it and need tips, ask! Don’t just sit there hoping you’ll get it. Your instructor might be able to offer stickers on the windows to mark out reference points as one pp said, or it might be that you would benefit from a steering ball to improve your steering.

You can find specialist instructors here

https://www.disabilitydrivinginstructors.com

Don’t give up, it seems like your defeatist mindset is a real barrier here. You may have learnt for 20 years but have you had several breaks in between? If so, that’s a bit different. Take a break, and don’t think about what happened in the past, start fresh!

You also need to start exploring back up options and help you’re just coming across as if you’re not even trying there either.

OP. This isn’t about driving. Look at what you’re saying! It’s absolutely catastrophising. You need some general mental health/peri support to reduce your stress and then everything incl driving will be far easier

You’re really not. I have no partner no family and no childcare and am also learning in my 40s, when it’s never been “natural”.

I know your attitude because it was mine and I still battle it. You need to switch from I’m a non driver to I’m a driver mindset. It’s no 1. And look into perimenopause. It can massively add to anxiety and overwhelm