I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

Can you close your eyes and visualise that you're in the car, can you see the steering wheel and parking brake, wipers and the like? Have you got a car to sit in and practise without driving anywhere? This would help you build up a permanent picture of the car as you do alot of moves without taking your eyes off the road.

I've poor spatial awareness and have to look at the road markings at times to make sure my road placement isn't off. I don't have a good imprint of left and right so have to use memory tricks with my watch or ring. I hate changing cars as I have to relearn the movements required. I don't parallel park out of choice and select a space that matches my parking skills.

I think the pressure might be making it harder for you. You will learn, can you afford a small automatic car like a Micra or Clio? I empathise with you having very little help to do this but you need to take a deep breath and stop berating yourself after each lesson, sometimes you can't do everything perfectly when you start driving and that doesn't matter. If you make it out and back safely you're on your way to being proficient.

OP, how many tests have you taken? You might be a better driver than you believe.

You don’t seem to be responding to people offering information and advice about help with transport to school (apart from to say you can’t get any). Is there a reason it can’t be provided? Does the SEN not meet requirements? Has a closer school been offered? For example, my friend’s daughter has dyslexia (so is considered an SEN pupil) but does not need help with transport so would not qualify for this.

No! Of course you can do it via Zoom. It works exactly the same.

And no antidepressants don’t work like that. Once you get used to them in a couple ofe weeks they are designed to quell anxieties.

OP, SEN transport is usually available if the journey is over 3 miles and it is the only school who can meet need.
Obviously, if there is a closer school who claim they can meet need, then the LA won't pay potentially hundreds of pounds a week for transport to a school of your choice.
My DC is SEN and I can drive, yet transport is provided because of these 2 criteria being met!
If you can secure transport for the DC, that will take the pressure off a little with needing to learn to drive ASAP.

Beta blockers to help with the adrenaline and panic. I can drove but hate it, it sends me into a nervous state. If I take beta blockers (low dose) it stops the heart racing/stomach fluttering/adrenaline sensations which gives me just enough capacity to focus on the actual task.

Why do you think most people have people helping them? That’s certainly not the case at all. Most of us just have to get on with things ourselves and shape our lives around what’s possible within our circumstances.

OP you say that 'we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great', can I ask why you would NEED to move to an area like this? Surely if you have to move, you can move where you like, to some degree, so why would you chose to move somewhere where there is no public transport to speak of?

Also, I have to say, that I have NEVER in all my life, and I'm in my 60's, met such a 'Negative Nellie' as you are. Everything anyone suggests, you respond with 'I can't do that', and I mean EVERYTHING! You really do need to change your mindset to have a hope in hell of passing your driving test, people have suggested all sorts of solutions to this, but every time, you say, 'I can't do that'.

The fact that you have two children with special needs, that will need to go to different schools, means that it is highly unlikely that you would be able to take them both, and arrive on time, even if you were the best driver in the world. So I think you need to focus at this point on how you CAN achieve this. There must be other people in your situation who have two kids, that start at the same time, but at different schools, how do they manage? The state can't tell you that your children MUST go to school, and then not provide transport, so in spite of the fact that you say they won't do that for you, I think you are wrong, and just haven't spoken to the right people. However, if you believe, having checked again, that transport won't be provided, then I suggest you email your MP, and ask them for help. Another place to ask for help would be Citizen's Advice. I feel sure that they will help you get the support that you need.

Once you've found a way of getting the kids to school, then, and only than, you can think about learning to drive again, and hopefully with the attitude of 'I CAN DO THIS'.

Sorry if you think I'm being harsh OP, but you really do have to get a grip on the situation, and this negative attitude definitely won't help.

I have not parallell parked ever ! Passed test reversing round corners .Roundabouts arent my strong point either .TBH my DH does the heavy stint of motorways and so on . Could you get a Taxi ? I thought that SEN children were catered for by the Council .

I know exactly how you feel. I accepted that, for whatever reasons, my brain just doesn’t work that way. It just can’t cope with all the multitasking that driving requires and I have poor spacial awareness (walking into table corners and door architraves is testament to that). I can’t follow choreography either. I’m not ND (I’ve done a million online tests and am nowhere near).

When I toddled off to my first driving lesson at 21 it never occurred to me it would be a challenge. I envisaged taking some lessons, taking a test and off I pop driving around happily. What a shock it was to me to find I might as well have been in a jet cockpit and told to fly. I have never improved since then (though managed to eventually pass). Driving just wasn’t for me. Over the years I’ve even had nightmares where I’m driving but can’t control the car, which would set me back even further.

I cant drive i did do a lesson once and had road rage but for the safety of others i didnt go back,
Im better with the bus or a train.

Have you tried every instructor in your area OP? I was in exactly your situation- tried for decades, so many instructors, so many fails- really, really bad fails (examiners stopping the tests earlier) instructors starting off saying everyone can pass then losing hope in me etc. Same as you i had to really knuckle down and commit to conquering the problem when I became a mum. And same as you I'm likely ND. I felt like a truly hopeless case and was incredibly ashamed of it until I FINALLY found the right instructor who understood how my brain worked. He was my eighth one. Don't carry on with your current one if there are any others you haven't tried. It's all about the right instructor. I'm still not a good driver and my license is automatic only but I can do it now and it's amazing. You will get there.

Please dont think you are"thick" .Your brain is wired differently is all.I learnt to drive when I was in my 20s, couldnt get the hang of it at all. I passed in my 30s with a lovely girl of about my age ,just like going out with a friend .Lots of laughs but finger on the pulse when it mattered .Also automatic car made all the difference and my friend came with me on practise as well.Maybe see if you can practise with a chum or relative .Also if you dont feel comfortable with someone move on (bit like dating really!)

I really feel for you, as you seem so discouraged. I don’t know if it will help, but do you narrate aloud as you are driving? It can be useful to focus your concentration and your driving instructor can interject where you’re going wrong (e.g., look in this direction first or turn the wheel this way or whatever). You can also narrate your way through a test when you reach that point.

I’ve been driving for 20+ years and my spatial awareness isn’t great. I avoid parallel parking whenever possible! If that is your main concern, is your instructor aware of that? If it’s more of a mental block, I agree with PPs that hypnotherapy is worth investigating.

Also I do think if the hypnotherapy doesn't work then you should think about pursuing a diagnosis of some sort, maybe dyspraxia or visual processing issues.

It sounds like you've completely lost hope and I can see why but please don't think like this. Your children would absolutely not be better off without you just because you can't drive. I know SEN transport isn't easy to get but in your situation your children should be a priority and for now I'd put all your energy in to getting that in place.

As for the driving you have a few options:

1. Hypnotherapy
2. Intensive course when the kids are at school
3. Accepting it won't happen and get taxis everywhere

OP I think you need to cut yourself some slack here.

Driving is a skill that some people find harder to acquire than others.

I found learning easy, but as per my pp my mum found it hard and she too was upset that she couldn’t do in her 40’s what I did at 17.

Thing is she had (still has) loads of other skills that I simply can’t seem to crack for example she’s brilliant at knitting and sewing - basically all crafts and I’m bloody useless 😂

Finding driving hard does not make you a crap person or crap mum.

I admire your resilience in keeping trying and think it speaks volumes about how good a mum you are to keep plugging away at this.

Ive had a quick google and there are under 17 driving locations in London so maybe this is worth a shot?

For my mum it made a big difference in taking the pressure off and anxiety of being on public roads so she could just concentrate on learning to drive and not about traffic management until she was confident that she had the driving skills bit nailed.