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Original poster

I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

464 replies

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:10

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 09/05/2025 19:15

OP, I have friends who choose not to have a car and take ubers everywhere, with 2 young children. It works out cheaper for them.

Do your children's require special equipment to be sat in a car?

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:15

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/05/2025 19:13

Not everyone is capable of driving. If you've had over 200 lessons in the past year and made no progress, you may have to accept this is a skill you simply cannot master.

Show quote history

So what about my children?

OP posts:
piccalili · 09/05/2025 19:15

Sorry to hear this. It must be costing a lot of money for you too. Do you have any other issues in daily life eg with spatial awareness? How often per week do you practice driving?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/05/2025 19:13

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:09

For me there are no other ways around it. SEN school transport isn't as easy to get as people think it is. And then there's outside of school as well. I don't have anyone who can drive them around and taxis are expensive. I want to just give up but I don't have the option.

Show quote history

Not everyone is capable of driving. If you've had over 200 lessons in the past year and made no progress, you may have to accept this is a skill you simply cannot master.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:09

Byebyechicken · 09/05/2025 19:05

There must be other options. If you can't drive, you can't drive! There's millions of people who can't drive and they have to work around it. Some of them have disabled children and still have to find ways around it. It's unfortunate but after 20 years of trying, I'm not sure another year is going to yield the results you're looking for.
What will you do then?

For me there are no other ways around it. SEN school transport isn't as easy to get as people think it is. And then there's outside of school as well. I don't have anyone who can drive them around and taxis are expensive. I want to just give up but I don't have the option.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 09/05/2025 19:08

QuartzIlikeit · 09/05/2025 18:30

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you just might not be able to learn. I know 2 people who genuinely can't manage to learn to drive as they have zero spatial awareness and cannot manage to do more than 1 thing at once in a car.

They are both not thick (using your words), have good careers, manage multiple people at work, have families etc but cannot for the life of them master driving not matter how desperate they are to do so.

I think that some people are just not able to 'get it' and it has nothing to do with being thick- just your brain & body work in a way that's not suited to driving.

You've said you've had lots of lessons, in an automatic car, have had different instructors etc but still can't manage it. It may be time to accept that it's isn't going to happen for you & make alternative arrangements.

I know it sucks, but sometimes you do have to accept your limitations. Sorry.

I know someone like that and they did pass in an automatic but they are terrifying to be a passenger with and tbh I can't believe they passed!

Byebyechicken · 09/05/2025 19:05

There must be other options. If you can't drive, you can't drive! There's millions of people who can't drive and they have to work around it. Some of them have disabled children and still have to find ways around it. It's unfortunate but after 20 years of trying, I'm not sure another year is going to yield the results you're looking for.
What will you do then?

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:05

4kids3pets · 09/05/2025 19:02

Eh I'm sorry but if you can't learn in an automatic after all these years then your actually a danger on the road tbh

Thanks, that's really helpful (NOT)

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:04

TheBerry · 09/05/2025 18:58

Have you made any progress at all in the last year?

What are your instructor’s thoughts on it?

What can you actually do? Can you drive down a road without hitting the curb? Can you brake in time at lights?

I can do that but not much else. I can just about manage a 3 point turn. Roundabouts confuse me and set me in a state of panic. I've tried parallel parking a few times but I always seem to mess that up.

OP posts:
4kids3pets · 09/05/2025 19:02

Eh I'm sorry but if you can't learn in an automatic after all these years then your actually a danger on the road tbh

MoominMai · 09/05/2025 19:01

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed This is such a sad post to read. I empathise with your frustration and the urgency of your need. From a practical perspective I’m not sure how you can improve on 4hours per week.

However as suggested by @Cakeandusername, if you haven’t already would definitely recommend taking some contingency actions and exploring possible transport provision entitlement for children with SEN given public transport isn’t possible.

Maybe (unconciously) because of the sheer desperate need to obtain your licence, the stress is preventing you from from focussing properly on those core principles of lane discipline, steering etc, that you mentioned and perhaps if there is an interim solution in place for a while it may lessen that and enable you to be in a better place to pass.

Wishing you all the best 🍀

Candlesandmatches · 09/05/2025 19:00

What are you having problems with specifically?
also have you considered hypnosis?

Jennifershuffles · 09/05/2025 18:59

It sounds like you might be dyspraxic. I can't drive and find that living in London helps! Can you move somewhere with decent public transport?

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:58

real13 · 09/05/2025 18:56

You can do this!!

Honestly, I’m as thick as shit and have zero common sense. I’ve got an appalling memory and I find learning new things INCREDIBLY difficult. I really struggle under pressure and find it hard to think on the spot.

My second driving instructor used to literally scream at me in frustration (horrible bitch). Anyway, I had so many lessons and I felt 100% sure that I was not capable of learning to drive.

I passed on my 3rd test and I cried my eyes out. I genuinely didn’t think I was capable. I remember thinking if I can do it, then anyone can.

I’ve been driving for 4 years, and got more confident at it the last 2. I just drive short distances to get me from A to B. I’m so glad I persevered.

Genuinely though, if I can do it, anyone can.

How did you do it in the end?

OP posts:
TheBerry · 09/05/2025 18:58

Have you made any progress at all in the last year?

What are your instructor’s thoughts on it?

What can you actually do? Can you drive down a road without hitting the curb? Can you brake in time at lights?

Artrunner · 09/05/2025 18:58

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:10

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

I was not as bad as this but in a similar situation and in the end my (now) dh put me on his insurance and took me out, I drove everywhere. Without having the assurance from the second pedals and safety of the instructor it forced me to actually learn how to drive and gave me the confidence I desperately lacked. Maybe the deep end ( if safe enough) is what you need too?

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:57

Evaka · 09/05/2025 18:52

I love your attitude! I know it doesn't help OP whose circumstances really are pressuring her to learn.

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed really sorry to hear your predicament. Sounds like you're really hard on yourself about this which can't be helping. Is there any way you can put the screws on the kids' dad to drive one while you manage the other on public transport? Appreciate you said he's useless but am just trying to think of any conceivable workaround.

Show quote history

He's not even in the same country as us so even if he wasn't useless it wouldn't be possible.

OP posts:
real13 · 09/05/2025 18:56

You can do this!!

Honestly, I’m as thick as shit and have zero common sense. I’ve got an appalling memory and I find learning new things INCREDIBLY difficult. I really struggle under pressure and find it hard to think on the spot.

My second driving instructor used to literally scream at me in frustration (horrible bitch). Anyway, I had so many lessons and I felt 100% sure that I was not capable of learning to drive.

I passed on my 3rd test and I cried my eyes out. I genuinely didn’t think I was capable. I remember thinking if I can do it, then anyone can.

I’ve been driving for 4 years, and got more confident at it the last 2. I just drive short distances to get me from A to B. I’m so glad I persevered.

Genuinely though, if I can do it, anyone can.

Cakeandusername · 09/05/2025 18:54

What does instructor suggest? Did he teach the person with learning difficulties differently? I know you haven’t got a diagnosis but could you suggest he tries same approach.
It sounds more like there is something affecting your co ordination or processing not nerves or anxiety so relaxation won’t help.

ViciousCurrentBun · 09/05/2025 18:54

How much have you spent on driving lessons? If you’re spending around £500 a month that could cover some taxis.

How far are the children’s schools from each other and how does it fit timings wise?

You may have to move or something radical and some people can't drive. My friend is one of them, she is 60 now and has taken 12 tests and failed, that’s both manual and automatic.

Evaka · 09/05/2025 18:52

MaggieBsBoat · 09/05/2025 18:46

I empathise.
The way I see it is, I’m a highly educated, clever woman. I cannot drive.
My FIL (for instance) is a tool who struggles to put a sentence together when it doesn’t involve shouting at his wife. He can drive.

Driving is no indicator or intelligence or ability.

I love your attitude! I know it doesn't help OP whose circumstances really are pressuring her to learn.

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed really sorry to hear your predicament. Sounds like you're really hard on yourself about this which can't be helping. Is there any way you can put the screws on the kids' dad to drive one while you manage the other on public transport? Appreciate you said he's useless but am just trying to think of any conceivable workaround.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:52

MaggieBsBoat · 09/05/2025 18:46

I empathise.
The way I see it is, I’m a highly educated, clever woman. I cannot drive.
My FIL (for instance) is a tool who struggles to put a sentence together when it doesn’t involve shouting at his wife. He can drive.

Driving is no indicator or intelligence or ability.

But it is an indicator of me being able to give my children what they need. Right now they're missing out on a lot purely because of their sole caregiver not being able to get behind a wheel and transport them from A to B.

OP posts:
ArtTheClown · 09/05/2025 18:50

Driving is just practice. Any monkey can do it

I suspect there are chimps out there that would be far better at it than me 😂

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:50

Cakeandusername · 09/05/2025 18:46

Have you checked re school transport. If they aren’t in local provision due to Sen you could be entitled to transport.
Speak to yourself kindly it sounds like you are really trying.

I've checked but it's not as easy to get SEN transport as people think it is. There are other reasons I need to learn too. Getting on a busy bus with two SEN with high sensory processing difficulties children just isn't feasible.

OP posts:
Member968405 · 09/05/2025 18:49

Driving is just practice. Any monkey can do it

Im sorry but I don’t agree. I learnt in my early 40s - passed 4th time, manual, - so yes, I eventually did that bit.

But I don’t enjoy it and will avoid it whenever possible. I have no confidence and I hate it. I gave many other skills 🤣

why should all humans be capable of driving? It only became an issue 100 years ago.