I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

Then it is probably time to seek some therapy for anxiety.

I too was going to suggest hypnotherapy OP, the therapist may be able to teach you to be calm when you're behind the wheel, which is usually half the battle when you're learning, why not email one and see what they say?

Also, and I know this sounds daft, but if one of your kids has some toy cars, try sitting down when you're on your own, and playing with them. It really helped my big butch DH to learn how to reverse a bloody great articulated lorry, even though he was used to driving big vehicles, he couldn't seem to get it in his head, until he bought a toy one, and saw how it actually worked. It will also help with your parallel parking, as if you 'park' 2 toy cars, and then reverse the third one in between them, you will get a feel for the point at which you need to start turning. Give it a try, you might surprise yourself.

Does your instructor give you reference points to help with your spatial awareness, or just expect you to get it?

No need to feel worse - you are already beating yourself up enough, and going into it with the idea that you cant do it will be putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself. I had something similar until I had this idea - it really shifted things for me.

Same, and also have advised my DD to learn it young if she plans to drive at all.
As for me - I've made my peace with it, I will never drive. But I don't have to, as we live in a place with excellent public transport.

OP, if you’re struggling and putting too much pressure on yourself, this is bound to make you anxious and dread your lessons each time and you’re not going to be consolidating anything you learn. There are a lot of resources on YouTube and TikTok etc from driving instructors that talk you through skills eg. conquer driving, zondo driving, advanced driving school etc. Watch a few of those, and if you’re anxious, try watching some videos on there from a driver’s POV. It really helps with awareness and anxiety.

What about them? If, despite your very best efforts, driving to a safe standard is not a skill you're capable of learning, then you'll have to find some other solution.

It sounds like you have to overcome the panic first as the technical side of driving is probably already there by the sounds of it. Sorry, not much help as that is quite hard.

Realistically, what would happen if you did just give up though.

If you cannot physically get 2 kids to school on time in 2 different schools then you can’t. DC1 can be late to school everyday, DC2 gets picked up late from school everyday and the council/SS can decide what they want to do about it.

I understand that it could be distressing for DC but you are in an impossible situation and should be getting help.

I had to give up trying to learn last year for various reasons - but one thing someone suggested to me that might have helped was to try exercise or physical activity that would help with co-ordination. Yoga, dancing, whatever works for you. Might be worth trying (I didn't pursue it because my sight deteriorated to the point where I couldn't have driven anyway). I'm sorry, really frustrating - hard not to beat oneself up about it.

I hear you OP - I hate driving. I know a PP asked this but what bits of driving can you do/feel confident about? FWIW I passed my driving test years ago and have never parallel parked since. I can't get my head round it. I can drive safely though!

I have a licence but never driven as frankly I'd be a danger out on the road. I have zero spatial awareness and zero sense of direction. I can memorise the highway code, but signs or road markings in real life completely throw me. Roundabouts - 100% forget about it. Nothing helpful for the OP sadly, I just absolutely empathise.

Hypnotherapy! You need to reframe this and how you see it and yourself

PS, as a PP said - the thing that also helped was realizing that lots of people I knew to be stupid could drive so if they could, I could also learn. It changed my attitude in a way that was really helpful (although its not a nice thought).

Have you thought about an intensive course? I learned in a week (although I had good road awareness beforehand because I cycled around London for years). But I think regular lessons would not have worked well for me - it was good for me to have more time in the car each day and really get my head around things.

Op I honestly can't imagine it's anything but the pressure.
I passed in the end ( failed 4 times over 10 years ) because I realised genuinely daft people from school had passed before me. I had absorbed the message ( from men) that women drivers were inherently a bit crap at some of it.

In the end my motivated was a bloke (ironically) I fancied who needed regular airport lifts. Did an intensive course and passed after 2 weeks.

I was a still a bit shit for years to be honest (2 prangs lots of dents). Mid 40's I can happily drive anything, anywhere.