I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

I would definitely second this. I failed 4 times 17-21, then again at 25, gave up for years but was under pressure with work to get my licence. I'm London based too. I booked a 2 day intensive course in Cambridge (quieter roads than London), did 4x hours solid each day with the test at the end of the second day, and passed. I've been driving for years since and am an excellent driver . Appreciate going away will be hard with the kids and no OH but I only did that to avoid another test in London, maybe you don't. For me it was ridiculous nerves every single test. Doing some solid driving for two days before then doing the test was so worth it.

Have you had a full eye check, including visual fields? My Mum tried to learn to drive for years - she’s neurotypical, no coordination problems, extremely intelligent - but just couldn’t get the hang of it, so she gave up. About 30 years later she had a visual field check, and it turned out she had numerous gaps in her visual fields, that would have rendered her incapable of driving anyway. She had no idea, because she just assumed that what she saw was what everyone saw. It hasn’t helped her in terms of driving, but at least it’s given her an answer to why she never managed it.

It’s cheaper than years of useless driving lessons

and about £70 a session and you need approx 6-10

I used to wonder why ‘stupid’ people could drive and I couldn’t. I came to the conclusion that they weren't overthinkers and just got on with it, whereas I overthought everything.

I feel really bad saying this but I was quite devastated when Jade Goody (rip) passed her test and started driving around with confidence as I just couldn’t. (Sorry Jade I don’t mean to be horrible). I couldn’t get my head round how she mastered it when I was so incapable.

Please stop calling yourself thick. Everyone has different skills and people are born with differing degrees of spatial awareness. This is not your fault.

I have to say though, I don’t think everybody is meant to drive. And those who really cannot be on the road, should not be.

I have not read the thread yet so hopefully people have made better suggestions.

Many people struggle with the same things you do. If they didn’t, instructors wouldn’t make YouTube videos explaining things which millions of people watch. You’re not weird, you just struggle with things and it’s making you anxious by the sounds of it which is making things worse and it’s like a viscous circle.

You say your children are SEN, do you also have needs? It sounds as if LA support to get the children to their schools would
be the best way to proceed?

I felt exactly the same, but I passed 4 years ago. I really love driving now! It’s made my life so much easier.
I tried learning a few times in my 20s (manual), and thought I would never get it.
Things that really helped me -

1. I learnt automatic only.
2. A really good instructor. He was really calm, explained things very clearly. Even if your instructor makes you a little bit nervous, then scrap them.
3. Do as many lessons as close together as possible.
4. I had a real problem with staying centre of my lane and veering, so I watched many YouTube videos and googled tips and tricks. The one that really helped me was this tip https://youtube.com/shorts/picNq_hz-eY?si=2qpud1hDKccufdo7

Good luck OP! You can do it. It’s really scary at first, but you do just get the hang of it eventually.

Please don't be so hard on yourself! You sound like a brilliant mum who will do anything for her kids. In my view you're actually setting a great example by showing that even if you find something hard, persevering is what counts. I've also had multiple attempts at learning to drive so know the feeling of 'I'll never be able to do this" all too well. My last instructor was awful and destroyed the minimal confidence I had - now I've got a great instructor that encourages me to make mistakes and learn from them...It's like night and day. He specialises in people learning later in life rather than 17 year olds which I think helps massively. Might it be worth trying another instructor?

In any event just wanted to wish you luck - you can do this!!!

If you have been learning for 20 years and still feel like you aren’t getting anywhere I would accept it is something you won’t be able to do. Lots of people don’t drive for various reasons and lots of people don’t own a car/don't want to own a car/can’t afford a car.

I know someone who has never learnt because they can’t read number plates and never got further than trying to do that. My adult dc has had to give up (I suspect dyspraxia) and the driving instructor says people with dyspraxia find it particularly hard to learn.

This is me. I was the same as OP, a million lessons over about twenty years, a hundred different instructors, manual and automatic but I couldn't do it. I just couldn’t process all the information. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t know what I was looking at or how to process the information I saw (I’m not ND but something is not working when it comes to driving). One of my tests I apparently failed (unbeknown to me) before I’d even left the test centre 😮

Amazingly enough I did eventually pass (I lost count how many tests, 6 or 7 or maybe more). I did have a couple of cars but hated every second and I did give up as it wasn’t absolutely necessary I drove. I seem to be in a minority though so hopefully because OP has to do it she will persevere more than me. If I can pass OP can, it just might take a few goes. 🤞

So I passed on my 4th attempt mid 20s but i didnt drive till 20 years later. Everything went so fast, i couldnt remmeber the rules (not really of the road but of the parking, maneuvers) i got refresher lessons 5 years ago with a great instructor who basically said to me all you have to do is protect your bubble. You are in.car in a bubble. Don't let anyone get too close . And to be honest , basically that's it. After that revelation I sort of relaxed more. Now I drive everywhere , the night before sick nerves have gone, i almost enjoy it on a sunny day in the countryside ... I don't remember weird formula for parking . Justndont hitnthecar in front or behind.
When you relax a bit the more you practice the easier it will get, honestly.

The othee tip he sid was to mlensurenthebwing mirrors sre djusted to what useful for you . And dip them when to need to see curbs, white lines etc when parking .

Good luck . You got this

There are great videos on the channels I have linked about reference points but other than that, if you’re struggling you need to tell your instructor so he can give you tips.

I came on to say this. You need practice in between lessons, and off-road if possible. I took my DC round Tesco car park so many times, to practice spatial awareness, turning, steering and parking, and just general handling of the car.
I hope you can find someone to help you.

Well it is certainly enough to be stopping you from learning. There are courses for driving anxiety but any therapist who works with anxiety should be able to help. Or do an intensive course, like I suggested earlier.

This is quite a good way to see it actually, we're just old souls who haven't quite evolved yet! Give us a horse and cart and we'd probably be fine 🤣

Look on YouTube too as that’s how I learnt to parallel park.

I don’t believe driving has any correlation to intelligence.

I know some very clever people who struggle to drive and I know some people who are incredible drivers but not overly intelligent by society’s standards.

In fact, the more intelligent you are, the harder you probably find it because you over think.

You deserve to be on the road as much as anyone else.
You can in control of the car and not the other way around.

https://youtube.com/@conquerdriving?si=A-jNYt4ke1k123EQ - This guy is brilliant. There are videos on every skill and he’s excellent at explaining.

https://youtube.com/@advancedrivingschool?si=RaFDkp9xrhhDz9ZB - similar story here

https://youtube.com/@zondodriving?si=fwKvkW3T0vRiIcaG - and here.

There are other options, it depends what works best for you, really.

As gently as possible, some people like me can't drive because disability makes us a danger to ourselves, our passengers, other people. You need to break the mindset that you can't be good at things because you can't drive. Honestly I am not surprised you aren't good at it, because the amount of stress you must experience around not being able to do something you have convinced yourself you HAVE to do, would make me fall apart at the thought of that thing.

You aren't a terrible mother, you are doing the best for your children. Taxis aren't that expensive if you limit your journeys and would otherwise be running a car. Your children may not have all the experiences that they would have had if you drove, but that won't harm them.

If it’s just your spatial awareness?

Are you always learning in the same car?

I am a good driver but I really struggle when I change cars because I can’t work out how big it is.

You want to get the smallest car possible and learn in this.
Then when you pass (which you will) get the same size car.

You need to continually practice.
Not have a few lessons and then give up for months because you end up losing all of your hard work and feeling even more anxious.

The biggest issue for you, is that you are not sat in a car on a daily basis and so you’re not getting used to being on the road.

I am a good driver and I think it’s because my mum always drove and so being on the road was normal to me.
I am also a gamer and that definitely helps with driving, cognitive awareness and hand/eye coordination etc. but most of the games are American (so may not be the best to teach you).

I would get on the road as much as possible.
Take public transport, cycle on the roads etc.

I am 100% getting my DC insured on my car because it’s the experience of being on the roads that is as important than the actual lessons.